Page 45 of Marry Me…Maybe?
Taking a deep, bolstering breath, she smoothed her shaking hands down her hair and mentally pulled herself together.
She was just going to have to do what she always did.
Put a brave face on it.
Theo walked around the streets for an hour after leaving Emily’s house, finding cold comfort in his solitude, and focusing on theheavy slap of his feet against the pavement to try and keep his mind off what she’d said to him.
After his anger had finally faded to a dull glow in his stomach, he allowed himself to turn it over in his mind. She was right, of course. He’d known it deep down in his gut as soon as the words had left her lips.
He was a coward.
He shouldn’t have let his mother railroad him the way she had. It was actually pathetic, how he’d resorted to lying to her to get her off his back instead of having an honest, frank conversation and sorting things out once and for all.
But honest conversations had never been his thing. Nor had dealing with the dark swirl of feelings he’d been battling for years now. His foray into the futile world of losing himself in willing bodies had plugged the gap for a while, but once he’d realised it could only be a temporary measure, he’d pulled himself out of it – only to be left feeling exposed and lonely. So he’d hidden away from the world. But he still wasn’t free. Not until he faced up to what it was that kept him so emotionally aloof from everyone in his life.
He’d accused Emily of being afraid and not loving herself, but he was just as guilty of that as she was.
More, probably – because at least she threw herself into new experiences. He hid. Like the coward he was.
He stopped outside a quiet-looking bar on the street, realising it was late and the city was winding down. It would be so easy to step in there and find solace in the bottom of a bottle of whisky, like he used to; maybe even pick up a willing bed partner. But he knew he wasn’t going to do that. He couldn’t live with the shame of giving in to that again – not when Emily was being so brave.
Deciding it was too late to try and get home, he walked to the nearest hotel and booked himself into it for the night.
Slumping fully clothed onto the bed, he let the memories of the last few weeks play through his head, ending with the last few minutes he’d spent in Emily’s company.
He couldn’t stop thinking about how wild her eyes had looked when he’d held her away from him, and then how hurt when he wouldn’t react to her after her tirade against him.
He rubbed a hand over his face in frustration. He should stop being such a fucking wuss, shying away from anything vaguely resembling strong emotion, and do something – something helpful.
He wondered whether she was asleep right now.
He doubted it.
The thought of her driving herself to Guildford in the morning made his gut clench with worry. There was no way he could let her do that – it would be negligent of him as a fellow human being.
She probably wouldn’t want him there, but he couldn’t in all conscience leave her to deal with the funeral and her hostile family on her own in case they broke through her bubble of protective denial and she found herself having to deal with some truly horrendous feelings alone.
He knew how it went. He’d been through it himself twice already – once with Hugo, then again a few years ago when his father had passed away.
With that decided, he closed his eyes and finally allowed himself to drift off to sleep, feeling more positive and self-assured than he had in a very long time.
After waking early Theo took a shower, then redressed in the dark suit and tie he’d been wearing last night for the film premiere, the kismet of it giving him a small zing of satisfaction.
This was right. It was meant to happen.
She answered the door to him wrapped in a towel, her hair wet and hanging loose round her shoulders.
‘What are you doing here, Theo?’ she whispered, a mixture of shock, wariness and what looked suspiciously like hope flickering in her eyes.
He rubbed a hand through his hair. ‘I’ve come to drive you to the funeral. I can stick around all day today. I don’t have anything at home that needs my attention,’ he said, refraining from adding ‘as much as you do’ to the end of the sentence.
She must have felt the implication, though, because she gave him a scathing look and wrapped her arms around her middle. ‘You don’t need to do that, Theo. It was never part of our deal. You don’t need to play the role of comforter. We’re not in a proper relationship, remember?’
He sighed. This was going to be tough. She’d make sure it was. ‘I know I don’t need to. I want to. And, so what if we’re not in a traditional relationship? I’m not going to just walk away and leave you to deal with this on your own.’
She batted away his concern. ‘You should. This has nothing to do with you. No good can come of you sticking your nose into the mess of my family’s affairs.’
‘Don’t be so fucking obtuse, Emily. I’ll decide what is and isn’t good for me. I’m coming with you to the funeral,’ he said, putting up a rebutting hand before she could object. ‘This isn’t open for discussion. I’ll drive you there and stand near the back, so you can find me if you need me or ignore me if you don’t.’
