Page 83 of The Herald's Heart
“I cannot help you find what you seek if you do not tell me what it is.”
What did he truly seek? All his life, he’d wanted to come home, to be welcomed at Hawksedge Keep. Yet he’d given up all hope of that without a thought because he wanted more a world with Larkin in it. He longed to share that world with her, not simply to know of her from a distance. He wished to share each day, each night with her. He would die a happy man if he saw her face with his dying glance.
“How did you come to this place?” he finally asked, wondering in the same breath why he asked. Why hadn’t he answered the anchoress’s question.
“Our heavenly father led me here, child. But that is not what you wanted to know.”
Was he so obvious? And how could he ask what he really wanted to know:What kind of man will I be if I renounce a promise to God no matter how hasty and ill considered? Is my love for Larkin God’s gift? Is it right or wrong to pursue that love, when I made promises that should prevent me?He couldn’t ask those questions of an old woman who knew more of prayers than people.
“I came for a blessing.”
“Are you certain you deserve one?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you know your own heart?”
What nonsense was this? “Are your blessings not freely given to all who seek them?”
“Aye, but I do not think my blessing is what you truly seek. You spend too little time in chapel and will not see what you seek unless you pray.”
Talon admitted that single-mindedness often blinded him to possibilities. As for the rest, she was wrong. He knew what he wanted. Larkin. He did not mind dedicating his life to God, but he wanted to do it with Larkin by his side. “I tell you I came for a blessing, and you do not believe I seek one. Why think you I came here?”
“I know not. For that, you must search the heart.” She began to sway.
“I know my own mind. I want a blessing from you.”
“Aye, then. Blessings on your mind, my son.”
“You have your blessing. Now leave Dame Margery be, she is weary.” Mother Clement made to close the window.
Talon braced his arm in the window frame that held the shutter ajar. “Nay, that is not what I want.”
The anchoress leaned heavily on Mother Clement. “I told you, did I not, that you must search the heart first?”
“You mistake me.”
The dying woman looked closely at him, and her eyes widened as they had on the first day that she’d seen him. “Nay.” She hid her face in the abbess’s shoulder. “I mistake thee not. All rests within the heart. You told me so yourself.”
Abandoning the battle to close the window, Mother Clement half carried Dame Margery to her bed. When the anchoress was settled, the nun began to pray. “Hail Mary, full of grace...”
Talon turned from the anchorage in disgust with himself for seeking solace where he knew none could be found. He should know better than to seek anything from another. He gained what he had on his own and would keep it on his own. He promised God his life for Larkin’s recovery form Le Hourde’s attack. To imagine that promise displeased the Lord was nonsense. Wasn’t it?
He let his mount graze and settled himself against a nearby tree trunk. Dissatisfied he might be, but he would not leave anyone, nun or princess, to deal with death on her own. He was not a cruel or callous man. Even though keeping the vow he’d made felt like the greatest cruelty known to man.
Sometime later, Mother Clement emerged from the anchorage. “She is gone.”
“I will pray for her soul.”
“Are you satisfied with the blessing she gave you?”
“Nay.”
“Remind me what she said.”
“That I must spend more time in the chapel, but I would find what I most desired in the heart. It makes no sense.”
“Perhaps. There is more, and now that she is gone, it is for me to tell. Come, walk with me. I must tell the other nuns of Dame Margery’s passing and ask their help with the vigil and burial.”
