Page 83 of The Blue Rose
I went on her old Facebook page, and there were a couple posts, from fake people who didn’t truly know her, saying they missed her and hoped she comes home safe.Everyone thinks she ran away.Then there’s the mean messages blanketing her page, saying they hope she stays gone and pray she never comes back.
Little do they know, she never will.
The covers I’m snuggled under are keeping me warm, and the only sound is the ceiling fan going around and around.
I can’t believe my dad knew what I did and didn't tell me or try to get me help.I chew on my nails, a habit I picked up recently, one I do when I’m anxious.I know we couldn't tell anyone I killed two people, but he could have done a better job helping me cope.How did he just let me forget? Let me hate him for years?He even disposed of Jessica's body and got rid of all the evidence. It’s been five years, and we were never questioned about her disappearance. Which is weird, but I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth.
A small knock sounds on the door, making my body curl up tighter under the covers.
“Serena?” Sharon asks on the other side. “Can I come in?”
Instead of answering, I just grunt and hope she takes that as a ‘leave me alone’ demand. She doesn't. Instead, she opens the door and walks over to me, sitting on the edge of the bed. She rubs my back, my body freezing at her touch.Who does she think she is? My mom?I move away from her touch, digging myself further into my blankets.
“Honey; it’s been three days. Your father and I are worried,” she whispers in the sweetest voice.
Her voice may be sweet, but I’m not ready to talk to her or anyone. I turn away from her, not wanting to even look at her, hoping she’ll catch the hint and go away. “I know what you went through was traumatizing, and now reliving it feels earthshattering, but I wanted to let you know I’m here for you. When you’re ready to talk.” I feel the bed shift and hear the door click closed.
Finally.I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out the chaos of my thoughts.I’ll talk when I’m ready, but it won’t be toher. Even though my dad didn’t cheat on my mom, he fell for someone else too quickly after her death.He didn’t mourn her long enough.There isn’t a set time for it, but six months seems too fast especially with how long my parents were together.
They were made for one another. Their love story was my favorite, and when Mom got sick, their love never faltered, but I could see them both breaking inside.
They met when they were in college. Mom was working at the school library; her sanctuary, she claimed. She always loved reading, proclaiming it’s the best escape. When she was reading, if she was really into a book, she said it played out like a movie in her head. Sometimes when she took a break from reading and would go do something else, she would think ‘what was I just watching?’ only for it to be a book she was reading. I didn’t understand; I never found joy in reading, but after she died, I started reading her romance books. I became absorbed in the stories, like she was, and I finally understood what it meant to get lost in a book. It’s a feeling like no other. A world you never want to escape. The slump and loss you feel after reading a really good book is soul sucking, but picking up the next one brings back that high feeling.
Dad was the playboy on campus. The baseball player with a different girl every week. Never settling down, never giving his heart to anyone. Until he saw Mom. He never went to the library, avoided it like the plague. Said ‘books distract me from the game’. He needed to have better grades in order to play the game. Which meant he had to go get a book for class, but he couldn’t fathom spending his beer money on a book. Luckily, thelibrary had a copy. He went in and saw Mom sitting in one of the aisles eating a granola bar. She was on break, reading one of her romance novels, and when dad saw her he dropped the book he was holding, claiming ‘it was love at first sight’.
They didn't get along right away. Mom knew exactly who he was and wouldn’t give him the time of day, which made Dad pursue her harder. They were a real life enemy to friends to lovers. It took a while, a lot longer than my dad was expecting, but he eventually secured her. The heart he never gave anyone, he finally gave it to my mom.
That’s why I can’t wrap my head around how he moved on so fast. I throw the covers off and shakily stumble into an upright position. My head is a little dizzy from lack of food and staying in bed for three days straight. I needed to talk to my dad, but first I needed food.
“That smells good; can you make me one, too?” Dad asks when he walks into the kitchen.
I dip my head, take out two more slices of bread and put together the grilled cheese. I slap another slab of butter into the pan watching and hearing it sizzle. My dad sits down at the kitchen table, and I can feel his eyes staring at the back of my head.
I turn off the burner and place our grilled cheeses on separate plates, grabbing a bag of cheddar Ruffles and the tub of cottage cheese in the fridge. Mine and Dad’s favorite snack. I set everything down, placing my dad’s plate in front of him .
”Thanks.”
I don’t acknowledge him. The cheese pull is so satisfying, and the crunch from the bread is exactly what I needed. Humming with delight, I do a little dance in my seat without thinking about it. I take a chip from the bag, dipping it in the cottage cheese. Dad does the same, and we smile at one another, a peaceoffering from me to get more information out of him. We sit in comfortable silence, enjoying our lunch.
The snack sounds gross, I know. Most people hate cottage cheese, but as a little girl wanting to eat everything her parents did, I love it. From the moment I first tried the cheddar flavor mixed with the cold curds of the cottage cheese, to when the smile spread on my dads face as my eyes lit up at the flavors, it has always been a favorite. Thinking back on the memory of how mom was disgusted by the combination and then dad chasing her around the kitchen trying to get her to try it makes this moment sitting across from him easier now. I grab a big chip from the bag and a huge dollop of cottage cheese, thinking about how Mom took her first bite and was pleasantly surprised with the taste. It became a staple snack in the Raven household from that day on.
“I’m ready to talk.” I say, wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my hoodie, nervous energy surrounding us.
My dad closes the bag of chips and puts the cottage cheese back in the fridge. He's stalling, appearing to be as anxious about this conversation as I am.
“Let’s talk.”
“I don’t understand how you could move on from Mom so fast.”
His eyes widened, surprised that is what I chose to start with. “I didn’t move on fast,” he whispers, tracing invisible lines on the table. “I still love her. I will never stop loving her, but I love Sharon too.”
“How could you still love Mom but love Sharon too?” I ask, anger lacing my tone. He isn’t making any sense.You can’t love two people at once.You stop loving one person to start loving the next. The heart isn’t meant to love like that. Mom was his soulmate; Sharon is not. There is only one twin flame to each person's soul, and Mom was that for Dad.
“Serena, listen; please.” Dad grabs my hands. “Your mom was my person; I will never stop loving her, and she will always be in my heart. Sharon knows that.” He takes a deep breath, like he’s having trouble saying his next words. “When your mom got sick, we both stayed strong for as long as we could, but when we got the news from her doctor, we had a talk that night.” He starts to sniffle and looks away, squeezing my hands a little harder. “She told me she wasn’t long for this world, and, in order for it to hurt less when she left, I needed to start to let her go.” He lets out a pained laugh, tears collecting on his lashes. “I told her she was crazy, that there was no one else for me but her. Then she met Sharon, one of her nurses when things got really bad, and she had to stay at the hospital. She saw how kind her soul was and, even if it wasn’t romantic, she wanted me to meet her.” He looks at me, tears falling from his eyes. “When I met her, I was not kind, kind of how your mom was to me when we first met, but as your mom was worsening, Sharon was there for us both. We both started to love her for the person she was. Your mom…” He takes a shaky breath, his tears dripping onto the table. “She told us to be happy together after she passed. We both thought she was crazy, but after she died, we found solace in one another, and our friendship turned into love.”
Now I’m crying, my tears matching my dad’s.Mom was the one who introduced them?She pushed them to be together after she died. I can’t believe my mom would do that. She loved my dad furiously, but she didn’t want him to be alone and fall apart after she left us. It makes sense, and I guess Sharon put Dad back together after I ran away.
“How come I never saw her or even knew about her until after Mom died? Why would you hide that from me?”
