Page 102 of Every Broken Promise
Astrid blinked, and a tear fell out.
“I don’t understand,” she said in disbelief. She tried to pull her hands from mine, but I wouldn’t let go. “Did you know how I felt about you, too?”
I almost paused to question her on her own feelings, but I shelved it for later. Hearing her say that did give me some hope that I wasn’t too late.
“No. I mean, there were moments when I thought we had something more, but I never let myself think or act on it… Lookat my dad… For half my childhood, he was a dead man walking because of Mom. EZ and Sabby were fucking in love. It’s been eight years and EZ hasn’t moved on… I told myself being your friend was all we could be because that way I would never lose you… I didn’t want to risk losing you.” I let out a humorless chuckle. “And it still happened anyway.”
“It was unfair for me to expect you to pick your girlfriend over me,” Astrid said. Her words were low and controlled, and I knew she was trying to keep her emotions in check.
I squeezed Astrid’s hands in mine. For reassurance and to make sure I had her attention.
“There shouldn’t have been a choice at all. It was you. It has always been you, Astrid, and even if you don’t want me, it will always be you.”
Her eyes looked in mine, and they were filled with wonder, but also with pain.
“Sam was always jealous of you,” I added.
Astrid scoffed.
“She was jealous of me?”
“You were smart, had a scholarship, and knew what you wanted. And even if I didn’t show it, you had me wrapped around your little finger. I might have dated other girls, but I was never theirs because I was already yours.”
This was the part that was going to hurt her, and so far, she was still letting me hold her. All I could do was hope she didn’t pull away now.
“You were going to college, you wanted to go out and explore what the world had to offer, and I was going to stay here. I wanted to grow the business and help my dad out. I was dreading college because you would leave, and no one would be intimidated by the fact that you had a guy best friend. Our history wouldn’t mean anything to them. You would go out and date, and I would stay behind in this small town. When Samaccused you of ruining prom, I could have done more in that moment, but all I could think of was that you were hurting. I didn’t go to Sam because I chose her over you. I went with her because I wanted her to stop making shit worse for you.”
I winced at the next part because it made me sound like a fucking ass, and I found it hard to stare into those hazel eyes.
“I was going to have a word with her in private. I didn’t feel right bitching her out in front of everyone. Not when I had shared many of my firsts with her, and I knew she was acting that way because of her insecurity toward you.”
When I met her gaze again, she was blinking away tears.
“In trying to remain friends, we made a mess of everything,” she confessed.
Her small hands in mine were the only thing keeping me grounded at this point. When I let go of them, I could see the disappointment in her eyes.
I took this as a sign to keep going. With my thumb, I brushed the underside of her eye and removed the moisture that had gathered there.
“I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you,” I confessed.
Astrid took a shaky breath.
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
I stood up and paced in front of her. My hand went through my hair as I searched for the right words to say. The words I wanted wouldn’t come. Then I turned around, and I saw her sitting there, looking lovely as ever, but she was in pain. There was only one thing that mattered to me.
“Why are you here, Astrid?”
“I don’t know,” she confessed, but it sounded like a lie.
This couldn’t be all we had. A trail of broken promises and half-truths to cover up the feelings both of us had raging inside us.
I had been careful with Astrid. I did not want to push her because I feared I would lose her for good. But I also didn’t want to be in this standstill forever.
“I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” I finally spoke my truth, and her eyes widened. “I couldn’t stand to sit back and be a passenger in your life…not when I want to be so much more.”
Astrid stopped breathing for a few seconds, taking in the information, and I knew laying all my cards on the table was the only way this would work. Being scared got me nothing—it left me alone and hollow for four years. This time, when I crouched in front of her, my face was right by hers—we were so close I could breathe in her uncertainty.
