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“I do. I’m not sure if that’s enough though. I don’t know how to make everyone happy.” I’ve always been fine with sacrificing my own happiness, but things are more complicated now. If I stay, I’m not finishing the program I committed to. If I leave, I am leaving Aro behind. His happiness is at stake as well.
“You don’t have to have all the answers,” she says.
“I know. If I could havesomeanswers, that would be enough.”
“Love is awful. In all the stories love is happy. In reality, it’s horrid. You feel sick to your stomach. You worry about everything. I don’t know if everyone gets what they want in this situation. Maybe at some point you’ll have to make a hard choice. But make sure you choose the one thing that you can’t live without.”
“Inspiring. You should write this down.” I'm only partially joking. Bri is straightforward. Her words aren’t soft, but they are honest.
“I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m saying that you’re normal. That these feelings are common. And other people manage to get through it and have a happy ending. You deserve that too.”
“Maybe someday I can come back, after the research is done.”
“You know it’s not a failure if someone else on Earth finishes this. It doesn’t diminish anything you did to get to this point.” She sits back and watches the words land.
I take a deep breath in and think about it. I’ve been holding onto this narrow definition of success. I’ve used it as armor. Initially it kept me safe. Now it’s keeping someone I love at arm’s length.
50
Aro
The city’s shield keeps the Atorum at bay for now, but it’s only a matter of time before they breach the protective dome. Once inside, there isn’t anything to stop the killing machines that are desperately trying to get in.
Our aeroglyde moves silently through the air and comes up behind the mass of swarming bugs. The plan is to maintain the element of surprise and once we are in position, it’s open season on these bastards.
It will be a multi-layered assault. Porters will roll out first. They will lay down canon fire, clearing the way for my unit to come through on the ground.
I bounce back and forth between my feet, hyping myself up. I’m going to hit the ground and summon my battleform. Now’s the time to put my stress theory to the test. I’m absolutely sure that once my feet hit the dirt, that power will pulse through my veins once again.
The aeroglyde rushes to the ground and lands silently. I activate my kinetic shield and jump down, feeling a rush of adrenaline coursing through me. I crack my neck and call for strength. A hum trickles through my body. The power is just dormant and needs summoning.
The porters come out blasting. Somewhere a piercing shriek draws the Atorums’ attention to us. As one unit they all turn and advance on us.
This time, I throw my arms out with a roar, trying to call to that power deep inside. Still nothing. I don’t have time to try again. One of the bugs lands right in front of me and turns its grotesque body in my direction. It knocks the blaster away before I can shoot. A cannon goesoff behind the bug and it’s incinerated right before my eyes. I look to see who saved my ass. Maak and I lock eyes before he turns the porter and continues blasting away. I grab the blaster and keep moving.
The plan is to divide the horde. Once they are split and we have a strong position, we’ll crush them together, limiting their movement, and picking them off one by one.
I stalk forward, trying to gather any thread of power with each step. My boots squelch through thick black ooze already spreading on the ground. Straight ahead, an Atorum is on top of a porter smashing into the plexi. Its sharp feet try to break through the thick exterior. The porter spins and throws the Atorum off. I shoot it out of the air, its pieces rain down on the ground.
A shrill alarm goes off, bringing all the Tilaks to their knees. We cover our ears. The signal calls the Atorum off, and in a blink, they launch themselves off the ground and up into the air and out of sight.
I look around and don’t see a single injured Tilak. Dead Atorum litter the ground around us. Smoke rises up from the dead ones that were hit with the plasma canon, coating everything with the smell of burnt hair. I pretend not to notice everyone watching me, probably wondering why I didn’t shift into battleform.
Tai steps to my side and surveys the damage. “I was hoping to see that beast mode again.”
“I wanted to give you boys the chance to kill some bugs too,” I say and try to shake off the sickening feeling in my gut. I should have been able to summon it. Doubt creeps into my head. Could it have just been a one-time thing? At some point I’m going to have to explain this to everyone.
We work our way through the wreckage back to the glyder, double-checking all the carcasses on the ground. The zing of blasters goes off occasionally. Tai and I collapse on the long bench lining both sides of the hold bay. The air heavy with the question: why can’t I attain battleform again? Lost in thought I don’t notice Maak until he’s sitting next to me.
“You’re welcome,” he says about the Atorum he killed when I was briefly disarmed.
“I could’ve killed it.”
“Not in that state,” he says nodding at me. “What’s up with that anyway?” he asks, referring to my lack of battleform.
“I honestly don’t know. I thought I would be able to shift today. It just refused to come.”
“It’s obviously the human. Your mate was in danger before and it called to your battleform,” he says.
