Page 480 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 7
“Suuure. So how big was he?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’re really not going to tell me?” She looked so mad. “That violates Single Girl Rule #9: If you hear about a well-hung man, share the news.”
“No. Because I didn’t blow him.”
“What if he’s one of the famous descendants of Hansel and Gretel and the wizard?”
“Wasn’t it a witch?” It was definitely a witch.
“Yeah, in the dumb kids’ version. Have you not heard therealversion?”
“No?”
“Well…once upon a time, there was a husband and a wife: Hansel and Gretel.”
“Pretty sure they were brother and sister.”
“Shhh. They were a couple. And Gretel was a total babe. Anyway, they tried and they tried, but they couldn’t conceive.”
“I thought they were starving?”
Chastity shook her head. “Maybe. The story doesn’t say. But they definitely couldn’t make a baby. So they set off in the woods in search of a cure for Hansel’s erectile dysfunction. Gretel suggested they leave pebbles so that they could find their way back, but Hansel was all like, ‘Na, real men don’t need directions.’ So of course they got lost in the woods.”
I thought about correcting her, but I didn’t want to interrupt. I genuinely couldn’t wait to hear how she was going to make this story make any sense.
“They walked and walked until they were practically starving…”
“See!” I said. “I knew they were starving.”
“Well yeah, now they are. But as luck would have it, they stumbled upon a house. All around the house, sausages were hung up to dry. Hansel and Gretel immediately started downing sausage after sausage until the wizard who owned the house came out and invited them inside. He pretended to be a nice young man, offering to feed them and give them shelter.”
Definitely a witch.
“One night, the wizard heard noises coming from Hansel and Gretel’s room. He thought someone was hurting Gretel, so he didn’t even bother to put on his nightclothes before going to check on them. As it turned out, they were making love. But Gretel took one look at the wizard’s footlong cock and immediately realized that she needed a real man to get her pregnant. So she locked Hansel in a cage and made him watch her get absolutely plowed by the well-endowed wizard.”
I blinked a few times as I tried to process what I’d just heard. “Well that took a weird turn. And isn’t there supposed to be something about an oven?”
“I’m getting there!”
“Please continue.”
“That continued every night for weeks, until Gretel’s belly swelled with the wizard’s bun in her oven. She had the baby, and they all lived happily ever after. Even Hansel, who begrudgingly accepted his role as their bitch and went into town every day to sell the wizard’s sausages.”
“Wow.” I honestly didn’t have any other words to respond to that story.
“Right! There aren’t any official records, but people have speculated that Gretel and the wizard’s baby grew up to be the duke of a small village. Because what else would he have done? He was clearly a total alpha if his dad was a freaking hung wizard.”
“That checks out.”
“It follows that the village would be renowned for sausages - both culinary and anatomical. Ever since this version of the story surfaced, girls have been backpacking around Germany trying to find these mythical sausages. But I think we just found the duke himself! I mean…he’s the Duke of Wurst. That translates to the duke of sausage. He’s Gretel and the wizard’s great great great grandson! It has to be him! And he’s #HungLikeAGermanSausage.”
Well that was officially the weirdest story that I had ever heard. “I’m curious,” I said. “What was the moral of that story?”
“Who says there has to be a moral?”
“That’s literally what a fable is. A short story designed to teach a moral.”
