“It was a mean thing to do. I was lashing out, in my own way, because I’m fed up with all this stonewalling. I just want to find out who killed Carol.”
“Hey, babe, I was pissed off at Hammond, too.” Viktor gave his anxious mate a quick hug. “In the long term, you upsetting him was far better for him than if I did it in my way.”
“More pretzel making, you mean?” There was a hint of a smile tugging at Ant’s lips.
“I thought I’d try my hand at making baguettes, instead.” Looking down, Viktor winked at his mate. “Take the dough, roll it out, give it a decent pummel to knock the air out, and then shape it into an elongated oval and slash a few cuts through thetop surface to allow the air to escape. What do you think? Fancy a baguette for lunch?”
“Let’s grab burgers and go and give Able a run in the park.”
Chapter Nineteen
Churning guts, inability to think straight, Ant was upset in a way he hadn’t been before. Sure, there had been people who had let him down in the past. Ant imagined that it was part of living a life among other people. If he simply lived as a hermit, never seeing anyone, that would be the only way to guarantee that sort of disappointment didn’t happen.
But to have two people, who he had respected and looked up to be so clearly manipulated by a person or persons unknown... It was a situation he’d never dealt with before. Frankly, it was disconcerting and caused Ant to feel all forms of anxiety, which again was not his normal way of being.
The burgers had been edible. Ant barely tasted them but accepted them as the fuel his body required. Able had a lovely time in the park – dogs seemed to have a knack of doing that, no matter how their master might be feeling.
But it wasn’t until later, when they were back at the house, that Ant felt he should try to articulate why he was feeling so on edge. Perhaps Viktor could help. He knew his feelings were bleeding through their bond, but so far, Viktor hadn’t said anything. In contrast, Able’s head had been almost glued to Ant’s knees since they’d arrived home, so clearly his emotions were impacting his dog as well.
Ant was still trying to work out how to even start a conversation about the feelings he didn’t understand when Viktor beat him to it.
“Babe,” Viktor said gently, “have you ever been angry?”
“That’s a very broad question,” Ant said. “I’m not sure what you mean. Angry at myself or at another person? Angry ata situation? I need more details, otherwise this borders on a hypothetical.”
Viktor chuckled softly – he clearly wasn’t as upset as Ant was feeling. “I’m well aware that you don’t like dealing with hypotheticals, but in this case the question was necessarily broad. There’s a lot about your life before we met that I still don’t know, which is why my question focused on a specific emotion. It’s up to you to decide whether that feeling was because of something a person had done – meaning you were angry at them – or a situation.”
“Anger is an emotion mages are trained not to feel. It generally leads to people acting in an irrational manner.” Ant remembered those training days well. “I’m a level twelve mage. I could do a lot of harm to people or property if I couldn’t control a base emotion.”
“Controlling it doesn’t mean you haven’t felt it. Anger is when you have that fire in your gut, your head is pounding because your blood is racing around your body so fast. Your fists clench, your whole body is primed for you to lash out, and you’re barely holding onto your sanity by a thread.”
Leaning back, Ant turned his head so he could see his mate’s face. “That doesn’t sound like a healthy way to feel. Most people experiencing emotions that intensely would be causing harm to themselves as well as others.”
“Okay, maybe not that intensely.” Viktor was grinning at him as if he found the whole thing amusing. “It doesn’t matter how your anger manifested, only that you feel it. The reason behind it doesn’t matter.”
Completely distracted, Ant said, “Surely the reason matters. People wouldn’t want to be walking around feeling like that forno reason at all. That would suggest they were having medical issues.”
“Humor me and answer the question, babe.”
“I’ve interacted with a wide range of people,” Ant said, thinking about the different aspects of his life. “My students frustrate me sometimes – they show so much promise, and then they go and do something silly. Even Bridget has frustrated me at times, although, no…” he added quickly, “I’ve been frustrated with myself, not understanding what she’s talking about, rather than being frustrated with her. That’s not anger, though, is it? Because most sane people wouldn’t be angry with themselves. That would be pointless.”
“In my experience, frustration comes from a situation that doesn’t go the way we thought it would. You can be frustrated at yourself, someone else, or the situation,” Viktor said. “Anger often results from a person or situation hurting the individual, causing them a type of pain they can’t process, so they get angry and lash out instead. Not all the time – the world is still full of assholes - but among decent people that would be a common reason why they got angry at a specific person or situation.”
Pain? Pain!Ant’s mind immediately jumped to a situation he still struggled with. “When I saw those people, Officer Casey and Banks… When they emptied their guns into you. Yes, you were in your vampire form, and yes, my logical brain knew that those bullets couldn’t hurt you. Buttheir angerand hatred toward you – I could taste it in the air, it was so tangible. That scared me, and that hurt me. My magic wanted to respond, to lash out in the way you describe, but that wasn’t possible. I was unconscious, and the anger was at a spiritual level because I was out of my body at the time.”
“Not many people could say that about feeling angry.” Viktor’s hand was on his arm, stroking up and down as if trying to ground him.
“There have been other cases, especially back when I first started scene reading. I would see a horrific crime as if it was happening right in front of me. People’s stupidity, callousness, their sheer lack of caring for another life…” Ant inhaled sharply as Able whined and nudged his nose against Ant’s belly.
“Sorry, Able, I’m fine, I promise I’m fine. But that’s what I mean about not showing that anger, V.” Ant struggled to find a way to explain.
“The mentor I had at the time warned me time and time again to push those feelings away. I couldn’t do anything about the scene I was seeing – it was in the past, it had already happened. I was warned repeatedly to ignore any normal person’s typical response to what they were seeing and use the jumble of negative emotions I was feeling to focus. Focus on the details. Focus on the person doing the things they did. He showed me that by focusing on what I could do – collect details – I could at least get justice for the victims.” Ant huffed. “I’m not sure why you’re asking about this.”
“I am trying to understand the tangle of emotions you’ve got going on in here.” Viktor lightly tapped Ant’s chest. “It’s like you’re tied up inside, and to me, it was as if you wanted to lash out and scream and rant about what happened today with Bains and Hammond, but you didn’t know how to.”
“I’m not sure anger’s the right description for how I’m feeling right now. There is some pain there - at how all of a sudden, they stopped treating me with respect - but there’s nothing I can do about that.”
Ant could see Viktor’s point, though. “I’m disappointed in those two. Does that make sense? And I feel…when I learned what Bains had done… How could he be so stupid? He’s been married for decades, he’s won awards for the good work the police have done under his guidance. And then one night, with a bit of booze in his system, he falls prey to a flash of sexy leg under a flouncy skirt. Why? His cock bounces up and he potentially throws his whole life down the toilet? It doesn’t make sense. Make it make sense.”
