Page 4 of Promise of Destruction
But I don’t want to kill myself.
Death has stalked me my whole life… when I was two and my infant sister drowned, when I was ten and my mom died in the car accident that I survived, when my grandmother passed two days after my eighteenth birthday.
There’s more, but those are wounds that cut too deep… wounds that if I open, will not heal.
But just as nearly every day in the last twelve years, once I’m over the bridge and the city opens up before me, I can breathe again. At least, I can breathe enough to sigh as the text message notification chimes across my speakers.
“New text message from Marissa.”
I already know that it will say something about how ridiculously late I am.
I’malwayslate. I’ve run through life late to everything… my own birth and graduation, late periods holding onto a sliver of hope they wouldn’t come, and my chronic tardiness at the job I took out of spite but actually desperately need.
I tap the button to have my text read aloud, and the robotic voice even seems to scold me as she reads, “Your first round is on me. I bet Khan thirty dollars you wouldn’t make it before trivia ended.”
I ignore the text as easily as I ignore the car speakers butchering Khan’s name and pulling up to the back of the bar.
Pete grins as he sees me approaching, the studs in his lips wiggling as he does. “Lookinggood, baby.”
“I know.” I tease, rubbing his arm. “You look like you need to lay off the energy drinks and cocaine.”
“You vicious vixen,” he presses his hand to his heart like I’ve just stabbed him in it, but the smile never leaves his face.
“You love me for it.” I give him a quick hug. “But seriously, get some sleep tonight. Your heart can’t take all that abuse.”
“My dick could.” He winks suggestively, knowing full well that I’mnottaking the bait.
I smile the way I always do.
At this point, I’m not sure if he really wants to sleep with me or if it’s just a habit to flirt with me. Either way, it feels kind of nice to not be damaged in his eyes. Lord knows the rest of the world looks at me like I’m a teapot without a handle, one little slip from shattering and scalding everyone in the process.
“I’ll see you later, Pete.”
He lets my hand slip out of his reluctantly and I throw the heavy door open to a small room that is so dark and clouded with smoke that it’s just fortunate I know my way through it on memory alone.
The men sitting at the small table have all adjusted to the dim and the haze, and they see me before I see them.
“Princess.” The grating of a chair sliding back against the floor swallows the chorus of greetings, and my eyes adjust just in time to see Tony’s chubby face before he’s kissing both of my cheeks and pulling me against him. “To what do we owe this pleasure? It’s been weeks since we’ve seen your face around here.”
“I’ve been busy.” I smile and wave around the room at the men I’ve come to know as friends over the years. But friends don’t dodge each other, so either I know deep down it’s because that’s a lie, or it’s because I’m a terrible friend.
Maybe it’s a little bit of both.
“Too busy forfamily?” Tony clicks his tongue. “You know we worry about you when you aren’t around.”
“You don’t have to worry about me.” I grin, punching his arm playfully. “Come on, you guys know I can take care of myself.”
Tony matches my lightheartedness. “Sure, you can, I know. But I promised I’d take care of you. You know that.”
“I know.” I nod, mustering a smile. “And you’ve done a good job, but it’s been almost a year. Do you plan to have me check in with you every day for the rest of my life?”
“Or mine.” He shrugs his thick shoulders and claps me on the back.
“Fair enough,” I shake my head, laughing. “Since we’re on the topic…” I break off, unsure that I want to go there. I do, of course. I want answers, but I’ve asked every week for the past year, and every week the question has been met with silence.
“I know what you’re asking,” he warns with a shake of his head, “and I’m sorry, but I don’t know.”
I don’t know if I’m grateful to Tony for answering the question before I could ask it, or if I’m annoyed that he still has nothing to give me.
