Page 120 of Unspoken Lies
It feels odd to also add that it has to be someone I trust, because I shouldn’t trust the men who brought me here. I also know that Liliana and Nacio wouldn’t have left if I was in danger.
My feelings remain unresolved from the past. I firmly believe that past life experiences should be learned from, but walking away from Jared, Elijah, and Theo isn’t something I can do either.
“What else?” Dr. Parker asks, sitting forward in his chair to lean on his forearms on the desk.
“Nightmares of the past, of drowning and dying,” I say matter of factly. I can’t change it, so I won’t cry about it. “There’s this intense feeling of dread any time I need to leave the house as well. I can do it if there are people expecting me to be somewhere, however, I need to convince myself to leave.”
Dr. Parker nods and asks more questions. The typical ones pop up, and they’re about suicidal ideation and voices.
I had an episode in the tower where I was fighting one moment, and ended up too close to the edge of the ledge. It was as if I just stopped thinking and allowed someone else control of my body. Elijah was right to drag me back, because I don’t always trust myself.
“I don’t currently have suicidal thoughts,” I say finally. “It’s been a rough couple of years. I do have voices but they’re more surrounding my depression. They enjoy tearing me downand making me feel like shit. I will not take Haldol or any antipsychotic drugs.”
“Haldol is some pretty heavy medication,” he says, frowning. “Have you been on this before?”
“My previous psychiatrist would prescribe it and it doesn’t work well for me,” I explain. “I was picked up a month ago on a forced commitment by the police, and I almost overdosed on Haldol because the orderlies injected me with it. I refuse to be trapped in my mind and forced to drool all over myself.”
“No Haldol,” Dr. Parker says firmly. “That’s not a medication I’d ever give lightly anyway. I didn’t really want to see you today. I’ve stepped away from certain parts of psychiatry to work in a more corporate environment. However, we can start with a few things and see how they work.”
He suggests a combination of two medications that often help depression and anxiety because they help boost serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.
“These two medications when taken together can help avoid the numbness some people say they feel when taking an antidepressant,” he explains. “I also want to prescribe an as necessary anxiety medication for when you’re having a panic attack. It’s fast acting and only when you feel it’s necessary.”
“I’ll probably never take it,” I sigh, shrugging. “I have an issue with forming bad habits.”
“What if I give it to Jared?” he asks. “I’m not a personal fan of just working through a panic attack if they’re extreme. Medication can also be partnered with therapy.”
“That’s not in the cards for me,” I say immediately, missing the floaty feeling of disassociation as anxiety floods my system.
“Fuck, your pupils just got huge,” Dr. Parker says, wide eyed. “I’d ask about why therapy isn’t helpful, but you’re on edge. Therapy isn’t for everyone, especially if you’ve had bad experiences.”
“One almost killed me,” I say, shaking my head. “That’s too much power to give someone. I won’t open up my veins simply to allow them to pour acid into them. I’ll take the medication only.”
“I have this feeling that life hasn’t been kind to you,” he says, pulling out his prescription pad to write out the script for my meds.
“You have no idea,” I mutter, standing to take the paper from him. “Thank you for this.”
“You’re welcome.” Dr. Parker watches as I walk out the door. I can only imagine what he’s thinking.
Fortunately, it’s not my business to attempt to figure out what he thinks about me. That line of thought can only lead to bad places. Jared meets me at the door, brow raised.
“I’m peopled out,” I confess, my eyes threatening to close. Between my fight with Elijah and being forced to trust my mental health care to yet another health professional, I’m overstimulated.
“I can take her,” Elijah volunteers.
I’m not looking forward to sitting in a car alone with him, but I don’t want to stay here either. I’ll suck it up.
“Thank you,” I say, not waiting for my husband to give his two cents.
“Can you fill her prescription on your way back?” Jared asks.
“I can,” Elijah replies, taking my script from me as he leads me out.
My eyes feel ridiculously heavy. I think my body is forcing me to take a time out. Yawning, I walk through the back door to the parking lot.
He doesn’t say a word on the way home, and simply unlocks the back door for me. I’m glad he doesn’t make small talk, because he’s shown that he’s prone to sticking his foot in his mouth today. I won’t starve in the house with Calvin. Elijah knows I’ll be perfectly fine here. While I know they’d planned totake me to the gynecologist as well today, I’m just too tired to go to another appointment.
Trudging up to the room I share with Liliana and Nacio, I pull off my clothes and grab one of Nacio’s shirts. After throwing it over my head, I crawl into the bed and face plant into the pillows. I have no idea what kind of dreams I’ll have.
