Page 72 of All the Ways You Save Me
I turn Josie’s offer to move to the Bay Area over in my head. I think it’s time to move on,reallymove on from here, from Adam, from Garrett for good. Because I’m not sure how many dinners like this I can sit through, how many casual mentions of Adam I can take. I drove along the river road on my way home the other day, and I started crying so hard I had to pull over.
When I arrived to my empty apartment, I paced around, wondering what everyone on Sandy Harbor was doing. I pictured the fishermen ordering their usual beers. Ian and Chloe’s good-natured banter. And Garrett. Was he helpingChloe out behind the bar, wishing it were me back there serving drinks? Did he gaze across the narrow path between our houses, hoping to see my kitchen light is on?
I wandered into the bedroom to unpack my clothes, and my legs nearly buckled as the scent of salt and sea air rose from my suitcase. I picked up a gauzy blouse and held it up to my nose. It was the one I wore the night of the bonfire, and it smelled like the ocean, and woodsmoke, and Garrett. I set it on the bed, knowing I’d sleep with it that night, wishing it was Garrett I was curled around instead.
“I missed you while I was in Mexico,” Jason says softly, leaning closer and pouring more wine in my glass.
I gaze past him, out into the living room at the photo of the three of us as kids. I had it framed for Jason when he moved into this house. Looking back, it was almost a year before he took it out of the box. Is that because of the guilt he’s been carrying? I want to ask him about it, to come clean about what I know, but I promised Garrett I wouldn’t. Instead, I focus on Adam’s smile. For the hundredth time, I wish I’d printed more photos of him before my phone was destroyed in the river. That feeling hits me even harder now, knowing he’s out there, and I’ll never see him again. I couldn’t even bring home any recent photos of him; it would have been too dangerous.
“Maddie, will you give us another chance?”
I don’t know what to say. I told him that we were over, but he’s persistent. He’s always been persistent, and that’s how he ended up wearing me down the first time. But I can’t fall back into a relationship. And he doesn’t deserve that either.
I shake my head sadly. “Jason, I can’t. I’m sorry. I care about you so much. But I’m not in love with you.”
He slides forward on his chair. “Maybe you don’t know what love is. You think it’s what you had with Adam, but you were seventeen. That’s infatuation. And he died before you hadto deal with any real hardship. Not like you and me have. We’ve dealt with so much together.”
A decade ago, I believed what Jason is saying was true. Even a few months ago, when I was pushing myself to plan our wedding when my heart wasn’t in it, I told myself that real love isn’t the fairy tale I had with Adam, and every moment won’t feel like fireworks. Real love is living your life with someone who cares about you, like Jason.
But if this past week has taught me anything, it’s that love is so much more than being comfortable and secure. I know that kind of love that makes you want to sacrifice everything, that makes you want to risk everything, really does exist.
And with that, it hits me, and I stand up. “I’m so sorry, Jason. I need to go.”
He gapes at me. “What do you mean,you need to go?” I know he thought it would be easy to convince me to give our relationship another try. But someday, he’ll look back and know this is the right thing. He deserves someone whose heart pounds and body ignites in his presence. Who can’t wait to see him again the minute he leaves the room. He deserves someone who will love him completely.
The way I love Garrett, and the way he loves me. We lost a decade together. I’m not willing to lose any more time.
As soon as I get home, I call Garrett. He answers on the first ring. “Madeline,” he says, his voice slightly breathless, as if he’s been waiting by the phone for me to call.
“Hi. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” he says and then swears under his breath. “We shouldn’t be talking like this.”
“Then why are you answering the phone? Why didn’t you block my number?”
He growls. “Because, damn it, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
“I couldn’t either. How is everyone there? Did Chloe find someone to work at the bar?”
“Not yet,” he says. “I’ve been filling in. You caught me on a break. It keeps me busy, so I don’t go home and stare at the house next door, hoping for a glimpse of you in the window.”
“Did you do that when I was there? Hope for a glimpse of me in the window?”
“Every damn day.”
For the first time since I left Sandy Harbor, I feel my lips curve into a smile. “And you calledmea stalker.”
His low chuckle carries through the phone, and I’d give anything to be there, laying my head on his chest, feeling the vibration move through me.
“Garrett, I don’t want to live like this. Knowing you’re out there and not being able to see you.” I sink down onto the bed. “Ican’tlive like this. What if I leave here? I could move to the Bay Area for a while, until things settle down. And then I could come and be with you.”
“Madeline, you don’t know how much I want this. But it’s too dangerous. There’s always a chance those guys could follow you here. It would put you in incredible danger. I’ve been okay living my life looking over my shoulder because I knew that you were safe. If you were here with me, I’d never sleep at night. I’d live in constant terror that Waylon and his guys could find us at any moment.”
I freeze. “What did you say?”
“I said I’d never sleep at night knowing I was putting you in danger.”
“No. Not that part.” I lunge to my feet, my heart pounding, breath coming in short bursts like I ran up a hill.
