Page 83 of Rarely Pure and Never Simple
Damien met her gaze, though his voice trembled. "Dr. Parma, I did a terrible thing."
"Did you accidentally hurt him, dear?"
"Yes—I mean, no. Not like that. Not the way I'm always afraid of. I… should never have let it happen."
"Let what happen?"
"I became attached to him."
She drummed her fingers slowly on the table. "He didn't return the feeling?"
"I think he did, which is even worse. Especially because I think he also still loves someone else."
"The literal human heart only has four chambers. Only so much room," she offered softly. "When we talk about attachments, of which there are so many sorts, the figurative human heart has no such limits."
He buried his head in his hands, his eyes burning. "I should never have let it happen. I've hurt him. But it can't be. He has to realize that eventually. I was selfish and childish to let it happen. But Blaze… he needs someone normal. Someone more like him. Someone strong and… sane."
Her chair scraped across the floor, and her hand settled on his knee. "You are sane, Damien. There are some things that distress you and things you react to more strongly than other people, but you're one of the sanest people I know. Don't you think you deserve to be happy, too?"
He managed to speak again after several slow breaths. "It's not a matter of deserving. It's a matter of realities. If he stayed with me, if I let him love me, there would be a night, maybe years from now, when I'm not myself. When I turn on him in the dark and see someone else standing there. I would kill him. Someone I've come to be very fond of, and I would have killed him."
"There's no way to know what would happen."
He finally lifted his head. "There's one certain way to prevent it. I'm going home. He'll most likely come looking for me. Don't tell him where I am. "
"Damien… He'll find you if he's determined enough. It's what he does."
He flung himself to his knees and buried his head in her lap, something he hadn't done since he was young and shattered. "I don't want to be like this anymore."
"My poor Damien," she whispered. "You are so much more than you were. You're becoming more all the time, and I wish you would see that."
"I knowI'm wasting good words." Shudder straightened the plackets of Blaze's coat with a pat. "But you could stay. Help the cause, now you've seen how bad things can get for vari kids. You'd be welcome. More than. You know that, right?"
Blaze stared up into the pale, barely-blue morning sky, pulling in a slow, careful breath. Part of him was tempted. Just give everything up and stay. But this wasn't his life. When he could look at Shudder again, he managed something like a smile. "Your kids don't much like me."
"They would! I know they would once they know you."
"Shuds…" Blaze took him by the shoulders, running his hands back and forth in a soothing motion. That Shudder could stand here with him in the cold to see him off spoke to how much better he was, but he still squinted in the glare, his complexion still a little gray. "You know what I'll say. And you know why."
"He could come here, too," Shudder whispered. "You could go get him and—"
Blaze snorted. "No, I fucking can't. He won't be waiting. He left me. Just like you left me."
"I didn'tleaveyou." Shudder leaned his forehead on Blaze's shoulder. "Youwouldn't come with me. And we can argue that point until the oceans dry up, but even you should see this is completely different, you hardheaded mule."
"It is." The breath hitched in Blaze's chest, and the next thing he knew, he was wrapped in a hard embrace.
"My poor Bailey. I'm sorry."
A half sob got out before Blaze caught himself. "He thinks he's dangerous. Doesn't think he, I dunno,deservesanyone or some shit. Never came out and said it in so many words. But I… I thought he understood by now we were both safe. With each other."
"You're good together, Blazey." Shudder stroked his hair, rocking him like a child woken from nightmare. "Anyone can see that. And people do…" Shudder hesitated and swallowed hard. "Theydofind each other again, you know."
"I guess. Maybe." Blaze set Shudder back and wiped at his eyes. "Anyway. I'm going home to Raleigh. Probably have jobs waiting by now. You be careful, you madman. Stay here with your kids and be safe."
Shudder's laugh was both bright and brittle. "I'll have to until the headaches go away. After that? No promises."
"Terrorist."
