Page 60 of Rarely Pure and Never Simple
"Just crash here?"
"We're hidden here in the rocks, and no one's going to stumble around in the dark to come after us. There's no reason to push on tonight."
When Blaze just nodded against his arm, Damien knew it was the right decision. No snarly remarks, no protests that he was fine any longer—those things were worrisome. "Have a seat on the tailgate. I'll be right there."
The look from Blaze was so fogged and confused that Damien actually gave him a gentle shove in the right direction. He stayed with Shudder for a few moments, checking vitals and pupils. His eyes reacted as they should, and his pulse was steady, so Damien moved to the back of the vehicle to dig out the medkit.
Blaze sat on the tailgate, his injured leg propped up as he leaned against the Raptor's frame. His eyes were closed, his face pale. Damien couldn't recall seeing him so defeated, even after he had taken a bullet in the lung. He shoved a water bulb in Blaze's hand and waited until he gulped the whole thing down.
"I can't get to it through your jeans," Damien admonished softly.
"Any excuse to get my pants off," Blaze grumbled, but what should have been a smartass comment came out weary and flat.
"Yes. You know how I love your underwear choices."
At least that got him a short bark of laughter as Blaze pulled a blanket from the back and peeled out of his jeans. That day's selection was almost tame for Blaze, a pair of gold-lamé microbriefs, perhaps more practical for a firefight than, say a see-through lace pouch and thong. Damien forced his eyes away and covered Blaze's lower half with the blanket so he wouldn't chill.
The gash on his left leg ran from ankle to knee, hardly a nick, but it wasn't so deep that Damien had to worry about suturing the wound shut. He cleaned it, Blaze's bouncing right leg the only sign he was in any pain, and then sprayed the dermaplast over the whole thing. With luck, infection wouldn't set in.
Blaze heaved a shuddering sigh when Damien finished and dropped his head in both hands.
"Hey, you should get inside. Get warm."
"When we were kids…" Blaze started, his voice muffled by his hands but not enough to hide the shaking. "When we were kids, we thought we were invincible. Nothing could touch us. And fuck if he doesn't still think he is."
"Blaze, it's not—"
"We were gonna work together. Maybe it would've all blown up in our faces, but then, back then it seemed like the perfect dream. Get our tracker licenses. Do this shit side by side. But all this Robin Hood crap he does twisted his brain. I couldn't keep him safe anymore."
Oh, Blaze. You loved him. You still do. "You need to lie down. Please."
"I can't keep anyone safe, Damien. No matter how fucking hard I try, how big and bad I am, I can't."
Blaze broke off, his breaths hitching. Afraid that any offer of comfort would cause a flood of tears, Damien patted his foot. "Coat off. And the guns. Climb in the back and lie down. We'll all sleep in the cab so we're both there in case Shudder needs us, all right?"
With another long, shuddering breath, Blaze nodded and began to peel out of the requested items. His hands shook, but he clambered into the back without another word, reclined Shudder's seat halfway, and folded the other flat. Damien's spine itched that nothing had been done in the proper order and everything was a rumpled mess, but he could do this. He had to. Blaze resting was more important than assuaging his twitches.
Damien closed up and straightened up in the back as much as he could. He was about to curl up in the corner by the back door when Blaze spoke again, his voice raw and ragged.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Settling in?"
"Down there? You want me to kick you in the head in the middle of the night?"
Blaze had a point of sorts. Carefully, trying his best not to shake the cab and disturb Shudder, he crawled up front and wedged himself between Blaze and the sidewall. Much as he liked Shudder, he didn't want to disturb Shudder's sleep if he slept badly and twitched in his dreams.
"Was that so hard?" Blaze grumbled when Damien pulled the blankets over them both.
"No."Yes. Oh, yes, this is hard. Because I want to stay here. I want you with me, and it's a selfish, destructive thing to want. Especially since you're still in love with him.
It would be selfish even if Blaze no longer cared, but it was doubly so when he so obviously did. When Blaze scooted close and settled his head on Damien's shoulder, his heart developed a fissure, as if one of Shudder's earthquakes had worked its way inside his anatomy. He swallowed hard. Some day that fissure would split wide, and all the poison in him would spill out.
He would need to be sure he was alone when it happened, far from any other soul.
Blaze leanedagainst the car the next morning, his arms crossed over his chest. Damien would be piloting the skimmer, but he still insisted on his packing routine. Too much unsettled, maybe, to go without the necessary rituals.
"Look, I'm sorry about last night."
