Page 43 of Rarely Pure and Never Simple
Blaze fumbled blindly and found a hand, squeezing gently. "You don't have to tell me. It's okay. But I'm not really mad, all right? You just had me worried. A little."
Damien gave him nothing, not even a monosyllable. Maybe the loss of control embarrassed him.
"Come on." Blaze tugged on the hand he held. "Lie down with me, you nutjob. It's gonna get cold in here, and I need my beauty rest."
Nonverbal still, Damien spread the three heavy blankets over both of them and lay down next to Blaze, facing him but not quite touching. Not that Blaze needed snuggling afterward, but it was a little disappointing, the whole two steps forward and three steps back thing. He nestled under the blankets and closed his eyes.
"Blaze?"
"Hmm?"
"I am sorry. I ruined things again."
"Fuck no. You were perfect. It was fast and dirty but it was perfect. And I got to grope your very fine ass."
Though he didn't laugh as Blaze had hoped, Damien did scoot closer. When Blaze held out his arms, he snuggled into them and rested his head on Blaze's chest with a soft sigh.
Maybe it was only one step back, after all.
Damien triedhis best to banish his confusion and anxiety the next morning. He'd had sex with Blaze, with big, beautiful, badass Blaze, and it had been quick and dirty, as Blaze had said, and glorious and scary as hell. He wanted more. He wanted to run. He wanted to scream with joy. He wanted to die of shame.
He wasn't ashamed of having sex with Blaze, though it might have been a horrendous lapse in judgment. No, he was deeply ashamed of his reaction after, when Blaze had looked at him with such tender hunger. Sheer panic ambushed him, and he had to get up and move. He was ashamed of the screaming anxiety and of making Blaze so angry after the wonderful gift he had given Damien.
A mist-shrouded dawn let thin, shifting bands of light into the cave. Blaze slept beside him, his face still too pale and drawn but more peaceful this morning. Damien slid out of the blankets carefully and dressed, teeth chattering in the early chill. There was no time for shame or regret. They had work to do.
He made sure Blaze had clean clothes and his weapons beside the mattress. Everything else he bundled up and carried down to the car to pack. Better that he do this alone, while the canyon was quiet. He could spare Blaze his packing rituals one morning, at least. The crickets still sang. Birds fluttered in nearby branches and zipped past. If he closed his eyes and imagined the sound of gently lapping lake waves, he could almost imagine himself home.
Almost.
The wind murmured too plaintively in the rocks. The trees didn't say the right things. Distant voices reminded him that his solitude was an illusion. He shuddered when he recalled that people had been in his vehicle, people he didn't know. This could take a while.
He counted out his breaths and moved slowly as he packed and repacked, sorted and secured. If he moved too fast, his hands would tremble. He would fumble and twitch, forcing himself to start over. How he wanted to be home in his stable, predictably solid spot. How he hated being on the move like this, trying desperately to build temporary solidity out of smoke and air.
Sometimes, like now, he wished he could cry. He hadn't in years, but it would be a relief, wouldn't it? He finished closing the last latch for the final time and sat down on the gate to the Raptor's back door, staring at the shifting mist. Had tears ever been a relief?
A crunch of gravel interrupted his struggles to remember. Shudder was making a careful arc around the car to approach him head on. Blaze must have explained some things. Another man might have had a moment's angry embarrassment. Damien simply was relieved.
"Good morning, pretty!" Shudder's smile reached him well ahead of the rest of him, a smile that reached into Damien's heart and demanded reciprocation.
He tried his best and hoped Shudder understood. "Good morning."
Shudder hopped up onto the gate, far enough away for Damien's nerves not to scream. Although, now that he thought of it, his nerves hadn't twitched at Shudder's proximity the day before. Another buffer? Was it possible? He'd spent so long not meeting another, and now they were coming out of the woodwork. Stonework. Something.
"Where's himself?"
"Sleeping."
"Ah. Lazy bum." Shudder winked and grew marginally more serious. "He did look rough yesterday, poor bastard. Probably tells you he's fine, doesn't he?"
Damien nodded, not trusting his voice. He wanted to know what Blaze had shared with this man, and he didn't want to know in a desperate way. Had Blaze loved him? Did he still?
"That's all right. We need to talk. Come on." Shudder hopped down again and waved toward the longhouse. "Let's get you some breakfast."
With the odd feeling that he was being hijacked, Damien closed up the Raptor and followed. Odder still was the feeling that he could trust Shudder, at least as far as breakfast.
Blaze woke with a gasp,his heart hammering.Something's wrong. He rolled fluidly to a crouch and had a gun in his hand before he realized what the wrong entailed. Someone should have been beside him warm and safe when he woke.
"Damien?"
