Page 57 of The Deer and the Dragon
But that wasn’t something I was ready to say.
“Why does it matter? With Silas in play, I mean? I don’t fully get why it’s so important that now the Nordes are involved.” I asked. I didn’t have to look at her to see the way she stiffened. “I mean, I want Caliban back more than words can say. I’ve been so in love with him for as long as I can remember. It’s consumed my thoughts and ruined my life for ten goddamn years. But it doesn’t have to be ruined. He’s real. We’re real. I’m not crazy. I can let myself fully love him back. And I’m stressed as fuck knowing that Azrames doesn’t know where he is. His disappearance is my fault, and I know it. But…things have been like this for thousands of years, right? I don’t mean to be dismissive, but how much would change if—”
Gone was her levity. “Everything.”
My stomach twisted at the way she’d said the word.
“Do you think humans will be spared once the stalemate is over? Gods ruled with iron fists on your soil. If the tide turns…if the war is over…everything changes. You don’t get to be a normal human. Life as every person on this planet knows it is done.” She turned so that her back was to thepassenger’s side window, facing me fully. “And when that war is over, who do you want reigning on earth?”
She was talking about the Apocalypse.
I drummed my fingers against the steering wheel as I returned my eyes to the blur of pavement. Seconds ticked into minutes as I pictured the last book of the Bible: the prophecy of God bringing heaven to earth. It was a forgone conclusion that he would win. It had sounded like a wonderful thing.
And I could be the catalyst to the book of Revelation.
A concrete wall slammed down around my thoughts. I shielded myself from the implications as I decided in no uncertain terms that no, I was not ready for the world to end. And no, I would not be a tool in the last battle.
I wanted to sleep in, to drink coffee, to watch TV. I wanted to get drunk with my friends and have sex out of wedlock. I wanted to take mushrooms at the aquarium. I was unwilling to entertain the idea that it could all be taken away from me in the blink of an eye.
I changed the subject. “But that brings us back to Silas. He saved my life more than once. Shouldn’t I be concerned about what happens to him?”
She flared her hands dramatically. “Who knows! Who cares? There are defectors all the time. Life is hard on both sides, so who’s to say who has it better? They both believe in their cause, and in that way, I guess neither side is wrong. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You’re a Norde. If you wanna bond yourself to me”—she flexed her brows—“skip on over to our side, forget about your prince, let me be your goddess.”
I took my eyes off the road again. The car vibrated against the rumble strips once more until I jerked it back into its lane. I wasn’t sure what shocked me more, the jolt of the road, the threat of near-crashing, or her statement.
“Are you serious?”
The sound of her laughter was like silver bells. “Hell would be so mad. Bonds are forever, so there’d be no gettingout of it. And then I’d have to answer to Odin. I have no interest in meeting up with the Aesir ever again.”
I kept my eyes on the road while I waited for her to elaborate.
“You think you have family issues? He can be grumpier than you before coffee, except with more gore and viscera. Honestly, he’d probably cast me out and let Hell deal with me.” It took a while for the laughter to dissipate. I’d almost thought she was going to press play on the audiobook again. Once her smile faded, she amended, “I would do it, though.”
The joy between us died as a rare gravity colored her words.
“I would,” she repeated. The air in the car felt thick as she said, “Not for me, but if you decided that you didn’t want that life. If you didn’t want Heaven or Hell, I’d take the hit so you could join your people.”
The remainder of our drive was far less talkative.
Fauna resumed the audiobook. It helped ease the gravity that had settled with her message, but I no longer had it in me to whine, and she couldn’t rally the energy to mock.
We had to stop several times, both for candy and for the restroom. I don’t know why it shocked me that Fauna had a tiny bladder. Despite knowing she’d locked herself into a mortal form to go on this journey with me, her having human needs was still somehow surprising.
She allowed me my ever-growing silence as the clock wound down.
My anxiety swelled as the evening faded into dusk. We’d spent nearly nine hours in the car. The drive had been an eternity, but as the town neared, I wasn’t ready for it to end. I needed nine more hours.
“My parents will be asleep by now,” I said quietly when we were less than twenty minutes from the speck on the map where I’d been born and raised. There were no highway lights this far from their town. We were alone in the black. “They always go to bed early. We can’t arrive at their house after dark.”
“That’s fine,” she said. “We’ll get a hotel tonight and go tomorrow morning to rifle through Aloisa’s things. If you want, we can even wait until—remind me their names?”
“My mom and dad? John and Lisbeth.”
“Great. We can wait until John and Lisbeth have left for the day and we have the house to ourselves. Okay?”
I breathed out a sigh of relief at the proposal I hadn’t even considered. Of course we could break in. If things went well, we wouldn’t see them at all. I might not have to relive our final fight. I might not have to see my mother’s face after the condemnation, the damning of my immortal soul, the red face, the tears that had streamed down her face, the tiny droplets of spit that had flown from her mouth as she screamed. I could get in, get the sølje, and get out.
My anxiety remained a cinched corset, unwilling to grant me oxygen as the speed limit lowered from seventy to fifty-five to thirty. I eased into the small town and crept down Main Street, stomach churning against years of suppressed childhood memories. Fight or flight ticked through me like a clock as it turned back the hands of time, sending my hands clammy and creating a gentle bead of cold sweat over my forehead and upper lip. Fauna silently reached over from the passenger seat and wrapped a steadying hand over my knee, giving it a squeeze. She left it there as if to reassure me of her presence as we eased into a parking lot.
