Page 93 of Embers of You
“Morning,” she mumbles softly.
“Morning.”
Her eyes pop open, and I know she can read me just as easily as I can read her. “What’s wrong?”
I swipe her hair off her forehead and don’t answer. So many things run through my head, the main one right now being that I don’t want to let her go.
“I don’thaveto go to work today if you need me to be here,” she offers easily and I shake my head.
“No, we all need to get back to normal,” I insist.
“I don’t think there’s getting back to normal.” She runs her hand along my jaw that has more hair on it than I’ve had in years. I usually avoid shaving on my days off, but haven’t been able to have a full beard since I became a firefighter. “But we can start getting used to the new normal.”
“Yeah,” I agree. There’s a pang in my chest even before the next words leave my lips. “Which is why you and Bennet should probably go back home.”
Her hand freezes. “You want us to leave? I mean of course, I understand.” She moves quickly, getting out of bed, and I want to drag her back.
“Sutton, no. I mean I just don’t want you to think you have to stay here. You have your own house and I don’t want you to feel trapped.”
“No. No, I get it. Obviously you and your mom are grieving. I didn’t mean to invade your space.” She’s gathering her stuff, and I feel like an idiot for thinking letting her go was the smart thing to do when pushing her away feels so wrong. I watch her dress and toss her things into her bag like she’s in a rush to leave.
“I didn’t mean right now.”
“It’s fine, I’m going to go to work, and I should drop Bennet off at home first.”
I don’t like her home not being here with me.
I’m not making sense, and I know it, but I can’t seem to find the words to tell her to stop. I can’t say the three words that would change what’s happening. So instead, I don’t say anything. It may be a mistake, but I just let her go. I still walk her to her car, but I can tell she’s trying to leave as quickly as possible. I can’t help myself as I pull her into me for a soft kiss. She melts into me like she always does.
I still don’t say anything because I can’t bring myself to tell her goodbye. Neither does she and every second of silence between us has my heart sinking lower and lower in my chest.
The second she’s gone I know I’ve royally messed up, but I also don’t know if I’m going to be able to fix it. How I would fix it, or if I even should.
I walk back into the house, and Ma is there which is surprising because I’ve barely seen her out of bed all week.
“Where did Sutton go?”
“She had to go to work.”
“And she took Bennet with?”
I hesitate. “Yeah, she’s going to go home for a little while.”
I notice the hurt that crosses her face. “Oh. Did she not want to stay here with us anymore?”
“No, that’s not it. I told her we should try getting back to normal.”
She wraps her sweater around herself tighter and I can see how tired her eyes are and how much weight she’s lost. The pain of everything has hit her the hardest. Of course it has. My dad and I had our problems, but he was the love of her life. She’s been so busy hiding while I’ve been busy avoiding…everything. I feel guilty, as though I’ve neglected her by being so caught up in my own mind.
“What exactly is normal, Jameson?”
I shrug. “Just as normal as we can be considering.”
“Normal would be moving on with your life, not ruining it.”
“I’m not ruining it, Ma I want to be here for you.”
“You are. You always have been,” she pauses before continuing, “you also need to let Sutton be there for you.”
