Page 63 of Once a Villain
The missing wasn’t the problem, though.I made him into a slayer because you loved him and he loved you, Eleanor had said.Because if he killed the people you loved most, you’d never trust him again. Because when he fought back, he’d see you for the monster you are. He’d never trustyou.And it worked, didn’t it? You’ll never feel the same about each other again.
Nick picked at the grass between them, his head down. “I wasso angry,” he said softly, “when Eleanor showed us what happened at Holland House.”
Joan swallowed. He’d seen Joan kiss his previous self. The Nick she’d first fallen in love with. She could still remember the heat of his mouth against hers. She’d told him that she loved him, and then she’d unmade him. She’d killed the boy who’d been a monster slayer. And this Nick had been reborn in his place.
And Eleanor had shown Nick all of it. The kiss. The betrayal.
Joan shut her eyes, trying to fend off the memory of it. His dawning horror as he’d watched. “I’m so sorry,” she said. The words felt inadequate. “Nick, I’m—”
“Don’t—” Nick said, so harshly that Joan flinched. He paused then. When he spoke again, it was softer. “Don’t apologize. Please.”
Joan tried to make out his expression in the dark. What did he want from her if not an apology?
“Why didn’t you tell me that I’d killed your family?” he said hoarsely. “You let me think that you killed the hero just toremove him from the board. You didn’t tell me that I’d murdered the Hunts first. That you’d killed me to bring them back.”
Tears stung Joan’s eyes. She blinked them back, clasping her hands tight in her lap. “Youdidn’t kill my family.” This Nick had never hurt her at all.
“A version of me did. And he did it toyou.Yourfamily. You remember them dying.”
Joan could taste the tears at the back of her throat. She really didn’t want to talk about this. “Youdidn’t do that,” she said again. “You’re not him.”
“But Iam. I’m him in different circumstances. Isn’t that what we keep saying?” He plucked a blade of grass, fingers restless. “I’m sorry. I’msosorry. I keep thinking about what I said to you in the carriage afterward. I knew why Eleanor had shown us that scene. She wanted to manipulate me. To hurt you. Iknewwhat she was doing. I should have asked you what had really happened, but I pushed you away instead. I think that’s when I lost you.”
What was he talking about? “I lostyou,” Joan whispered. “I let you believe that monsters were benign, when they were actually stealing human life. I could have told you the truth, and I didn’t. And then I asked an Argent to control your mind.” It hadn’t even worked. Nick had broken the compulsion. But she’d tried. “I violated your mind. I lostyou!”
Nick tilted his head, the dark strands of his hair falling over his face. “You were afraid of me. Eleanor said that I killed your family. That you were there when it happened. That you had to run for your life.”
Joan was there again suddenly. The thick butcher-shop smell of blood was in the air. Gran groaned, agonized as she died under Joan’s hands. Joan squeezed her eyes shut, but she could see the bodies littered in the gardens. She could smell the sickly scent of crushed hydrangeas as she’d run.
Sometimes, she felt like it was all still happening—like she was still stanching the wound in Gran’s chest; still fleeing through the maze. That she had never left that maze. But it had happened two timelines ago. Two lifetimes ago. And Joan was the only one who remembered it. She breathed in now, concentrating on the smell of wet grass. “He came to me seeking peace at the end.”
Nick gave her a long look. He knew she’d avoided what he’d said. “You told me he was a hero.”
Joan remembered that conversation.Not just a hero, she’d explained to him.You werethehero.Like King Arthur.People told stories about you. Made art depicting you.“He wasn’t so different from the gladiator version of you inthistimeline. They both fought predators and protected the weak.” She hesitated. All the Nicks had had the same aura of goodness. Wherever he was, she always felt herself turning toward him, like he was true north. “You said before that you lost me, but I know when I lost you properly. You chose to save me instead of the rest of the world, and I know you regret it.”
“Is that what you think?” Nick said.
“You went against everything you believe in. And now you can’t stand it. Now that you’ve seen this world.”
He huffed a laugh as if he couldn’t believe what he washearing. “You know... sometimes, I catch you looking at me, and it’s like...” He shook his head. “Like you’re comparing yourself to me and finding yourself wanting. Like you’re ashamed of what you are. But I don’t see myself like that. I don’t seeyoulike that.”
“Nick, I’veseenhow you avoid me now. Eleanor gave you a choice—me or the world—and you chose me. I know you hate what you did.” And, by extension, he had to hate her too.
“No,” he said flatly. The word was like a solid wall. Joan felt as if she’d run into it. “If Eleanor gave me that choice again, I’d choose you again. Every time.” His dark eyes were certain, and he sounded unmovable. As if the statement had a foundation that extended for miles. “You know what I hate?” he said. “I hate that my other self hurt you. I hate that Eleanor used me to hurt youagain. And—you’re right—I hate that I made this world. But I don’t hate you. I never could. I’ve loved you from the moment I first saw you.”
Joan shook her head. She wanted to believe it too badly for it to be true.
“You told me once that my feelings for you were just a remnant of another timeline,” Nick said. “An echo. Something that someone else once felt. But you’re wrong. My feelings don’t belong to anyone else. They’re mine. Foryou. I would always choose you.”
“Nick...”
“You should hateme,” he said softly. “I killed your family. I made you run. I hurt you so much. Over and over. I’m sure there are things that I did—ways that I hurt you—that you’re not telling me even now.”
Tears welled in Joan’s eyes again, and this time she felt them fall. “I love you. I never stopped.” She drew a shaky breath. “I’ll love you until I die,” she said to him honestly.
Nick reached for her cheek to thumb away the tears with one hand, and then he was kneeling up and shifting closer, an arm around her waist drawing her in. Joan’s heart stuttered. He was going to kiss her.
Behind them, the drysnapof a leaf made her jump. She pulled away, startled.
