Page 78 of Game Changer
It doesn’t take much for me to give in. In fact, nothing sounds more enjoyable than escaping from my thoughts for a bit, so I follow him outside to my car. Rather than climb inside, we opt to sit on the hood, since Cameron doesn’t want to risk getting a contact high. The memory of Maya giggling in my passenger seat sends a stabbing pain to my chest that nearly brings me to my knees, but I push the thought away and spark up the blunt, inhaling deeply before blowing a ring of smoke into the crispy air.
After a minute or so, he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?” Darkness envelops us, a single streetlamp providing enough of a golden glow to make out our expressions.
“There’s not much to say.” I shrug. “I can’t change anything about the situation. Letting her go was in the best interest of both of us, you know? But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell.” Cameron leans back to rest his elbows on the hood of my car, nodding as if deep in thought. “It wasn’t going to work out anyway. Well, I keep trying to convince myself of that, at least. We want different things out of life. She wants to travel, whereas I prefer to stay in Arizona for the rest of my life. She’s outgoing, and I’m shy. Hell, I couldn’t even play college ball because performing in front of large crowds had me going into a full-blown anxiety attack.”
Cameron tilts his head to the side. “Do you wish you could have played in college? I mean, now that you’ve gotten the medication to keep your anxiety under control, do you regret it? Not playing?”
I’ve thought about this question a lot. When I told my parents I wouldn’t accept my full ride to State, it kept me up at night wondering if I’d made the right decision by giving it all up. My parents were nothing but supportive, but I could tell they were concerned, too, even though they’ll never admit it.
“I did at first, but when I started volunteering in the youth program, it made me realize there was a different side to football, one where I didn’t have to be in the limelight as much but could still enjoy the sport. It still makes me feel like I’m letting people down or like coaching is some downgrade, but traveling around the world with the media breathing down my neck if I ever made it professionally sounds like a nightmare. I’m not—” Fuck. I didn’t expect to have this conversation tonight, but I’ll blame it on the weed loosening things up. “I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be you.”
While the admission hangs between us, I feel Cameron’s body tense beside me. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come on. Don’t act like you didn’t know I strived to be you growing up. You’ve got it all, Cameron. Always have.”
He snorts. “You, out of anyone, should know looks can be deceiving, Ethan.”
“I understand thatnow, but when we first got into high school? You towered over the rest of the guys in our grade. You had the game to pick up any girl in school. People flocked to you everywhere we went because of your confidence, and you played football soeffortlessly. The pressure didn’t matter, and it irked me that I couldn’t be the same way. Even now, you’re about to graduate college and enter the draft while I’m a year behind, probably even further behind now that I’m changing my major.”
“But that’s okay,” he replies. “There isn’t a rule book to life, man. Sure, I went to college straight after high school, but that’s not everyone’s destiny. Our accomplishments come at different times, and whether it’s one month or five years from now, all that matters is that theyhappen, right?”
I take another long pull from the blunt, rendered speechless.
“And being anxious about traveling and wanting to stay in Arizona doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s simply your preference. Being a homebody is normal. Wanting to play video games rather than go out and party isn’t a bad thing. All of these things that you’ve tried to change about yourself? I promise you’ll enjoy life ten times more if you accept the things that make you who you are rather than run yourself into the ground trying to fight them.” He bumps his shoulder reassuringly into mine. “The truth is no one wants to change you. You’re enough, and I’ll bet anything you’re enough forhertoo. Fear of traveling and all.”
Allowing his words to sink in, I laugh softly to myself. Leave it to Cameron to give me life-altering advice. “It’s more complicated than that. I may be enough for her, but I’ll never be enough for her parents, and I won’t get in the way of their relationship when they mean so much to her.”
“That’s fair.” He sighs and slings an arm over my shoulder. “Well, I hope they change their minds, but if they don’t, you’ve got a pretty kick-ass group of friends who’ll help you through it.”
“You mean, when they aren’t calling me a sarcastic ass?” I can’t help but smile at the sound of his laugh. It makes me want to call my sister and thank her for making him happy enough to bring it back after so many years of him silencing it.
“Are you going to deny it?”
I roll my eyes, and a comfortable silence falls between us while I finish the last of the blunt before sliding off the hood to stamp it out with my shoe. “Not that I’m complaining or trying to sound ungrateful, but you realize you could have said all this over a video call, right? How long are you here for, anyway?”
He checks the time on his phone. “I have to be back at the airport in three hours for a red eye.”
“What?Why the hell would you fly out for only a few hours?”
“Because.” He holds my stare, the cocky, arrogant jokester nowhere to be found. “You’ve been there for me at my absolute lowest, Ethan, even when I didn’t deserve it. It doesn’t matter how many miles apart we are—if you need me, I’ll be here. You don’t have to go through this heartbreak alone, and you won’t so long as you have me by your side.Brothers, remember?”
Through the liquid sheen coating my eyes, I pull him in for another hug and clap him on the back. The bond between us is unbreakable. “Brothers,” I affirm. “For life.”
Although it’s torture living next door to the girl of my dreams while simultaneously not being able to do a damn thing about it, having the support of my friends makes it tolerable. Cameron’s right. I don’t have to go through this alone. I’ve avoided leaning on others in the past, opting to wear a mask to become the version of me I thought they wanted. But tonight, I’m back to being fully myself with Cameron, just like we used to be as kids, and it’s a reminder that I’ve come so far from where I started.
There’s still a gaping hole in my chest where Maya should be, but I can’t allow myself to be consumed by that feeling and retreat back into the version of myself at the beginning of the semester when I used todreamof having my life figured out. Now I’m here, enjoying college for once, and I’ve discovered a career that’ll be fulfilling for me.
I can’t give that up.
All I can do is continue to take steps toward the future I want, and pray to whoever the hell I need to that one day Maya can be part of it too.
Forty- one
Maya
My entire life, I’ve tried to please everyone around me. My parents, my friends, romantic interests. Any room I entered, I’d imagine how to make others smile, and I didn’t even realize that by doing this, I was hurting myself in the process. But my eyes have been opened after losing Ethan, and now I find it laughable that I ever thought I was selfish. Yes, I respect and appreciate everything my parents have sacrificed, but I’m also worthy of everything America has to offer, and that includes my career and the person I want to be with.
Which is why I knock on the door of my childhood home at midnight with more force than I intended. After a minute or so, a golden shimmer of light flickers inside, and then I see my mom peek out the blinds of the living room to check who it is. I hear a tiny gasp, and then she’s throwing the door open and hugging me so hard that she knocks the air from my lungs.
