Page 84 of Sacred Vow
“You two fucking suck,” Zeph mutters as I get to my feet and find my drink.
Chloe and I stride down to the water’s edge as Zeph remains stuck in his fallen chair, and as Chloe swooshes her feet through the water, I drop to my ass and let the heaviness of my situation wash over me.
“This whole Caesar thing has really fucked with your head, hasn’t it?”
I shrug. “I think I really love him,” I tell her. “And what’s worse is that I think he’s actually in love with me, too. Or maybe I’m too obnoxious and just think that he does because he treats me like a queen, but either way, I don’t see a way that I ever get to have what I want.”
“Do you even know what you want?” she asks, moving up and down the water in front of me. “You’re twenty-two years old and only just graduating from college. You should be focusing on what the world has to offer. Living it up and using this time to make mistakes and learn from them, not falling in love with emotionally unstable men who tell you from day one that a future together is never going to happen.”
My shoulders slump, and I brace my elbows on my knees. “To be fair, I didn’t think I was capable of falling in love with anyone, let alone Zephyr’s dad. He was supposed to be a wild one-night stand, but it spiraled out of control. He’s just . . . He’s larger than life. Every time he walks into a room, my body is already buzzing with electricity. It’s as though my body knows he’s there before my eyes have even seen him. And the way he touches me. I don’t think he even realizes he does it, but he’s so gentle with me. It’s as though I’m the most precious thing in the world, and he wants to protect me at all costs, and while I don’t need him to save me, I love that about him. He makes me happy, and every time without fail, he gives me those stupid little butterflies in the pit of my stomach. I’ve never had that with anyone before, and the idea of having to try and forget that and move on . . .”
I let my words fall away, knowing if I were to keep going, I’d surely break.
“Shit. I was hoping this was more of an infatuation, but you’re actually in love with him.”
I nod before falling back against the damp sand with a frustrated groan. “I’m fucked,” I tell her. “I can feel that there’s something there between us. Something real, but I don’t think he’s ever going to be ready. He’s just going to keep pushing me away because of his demons, saying shit about me deserving better, and that if I were smart, I’d run as far as I could. But I don’t want anyone else. I just want to belong to him.”
“How does he know he’s not ready?” she asks. “Maybe he’s just like you and doesn’t understand what he’s feeling or what he really wants.”
“It’s deeper than that. He hasdemons,” I say, shaking my head and saying the word as though it tastes like poison on my tongue.
“What kind of demons are we talking about?”
My shoulders lift in a shrug. “He hasn’t exactly opened up about it. And by that, I mean he hasn’t even attempted to bring it up at all. But I’ve done some research, and while I haven’t gotten his side of the story, I understand it. He’s been through some shit.”
“Are we talking held hostage by the mafia and tortured for years on end kind of demons, or mental health, needs to be locked in an asylum type of stuff?”
“I’m talking murdered someone and did ten years in prison.”
Her eyes widen as her head whips toward me. “Oh fuck.”
“Yeah, but like I said, he hasn’t opened up about any of this,” I tell her. “But from what I can gather, there was some kind of custody battle between him and his ex-wife back when Zeph was just a newborn. Something must have gone down, and what should have been a simple handover turned into an almostkidnapping that ended up with Caesar killing the ex-wife’s new boyfriend.”
Chloe lets out a low breath and drops down in the sand beside me. “Holy fuck. That’s heavy.”
“Yeah. I can’t imagine what he went through. Zeph too. They both must carry a lot of trauma. But Caesar ended up doing ten years behind bars, and I suppose that’s why he feels I deserve better, but—”
“That’s really why you think he’s pushing you away?” Zeph asks, cutting in, suddenly standing right behind us. “Because he’s a convicted murderer, so he clearly must not deserve to be loved?”
I cringe, not having realized that he’d managed to free himself from the fallen chair. “Shit. How much of that did you hear?”
“Uhh, all of it,” he says, giving me a blank stare as though I’m the biggest moron he’s ever set his eyes on. “You’re standing barely ten feet away from our campfire. What were you expecting? That I’d pull a pair of soundproof headphones out of my ass?”
I pick up a stray pebble and toss it at Zephyr’s chest. “Okay, genius. Care to fill me in then? Why’s he pushing me away when he clearly feels something real with me?”
His lips press into a hard line, clearly torn on what he should say. “It’s not my story to tell. You should really be talking with Dad about all of this, but there’s so much more to it that you don’t know and won’t understand. What happened that night . . . That’s not where his demons stem from. Yeah, he had to take a life, but he’s proud of what he did to save mine, and if you ask him, he’d tell you that he’d do it all over again, even if it meant rotting behind bars for another ten years.”
I suck in a breath, my gaze focused so heavily on Zephyr as I realize just how right he is. There’s still so much I don’t know orcan even fathom about what happened that day—or over the ten years that followed.
I feel my eyes beginning to fill with tears, but I blink them back. “So if what happened that day isn’t the reason he’s pushing me away, then what is?” I ask, my tone filled with fear, unsure I’m ready to get the answers I’ve been so desperate for.
Zeph lets out a small breath and drops down between me and Chloe, a fresh beer in his hand. “Again, you have to talk to him about all of this. It’s not my story to share, but think about it, Tilly. He did ten years in prison. Nobody escapes that unscathed. The things he had to do, the person he had to become just to survive . . . It changed him, and that shit left scars. He’s worked hard to put all of that behind him, but it’s not just going to happen overnight. It’s not one of those things you can simply force somebody to forget. He’s not magically going to be ready to let you in just because you’ve decided you’re in love with him. Don’t get me wrong, babe. I think you could help him in a way that nobody could ever see coming. I think he needs you more than he even realizes, but he’s got to be open to that first, and pushing him on it is only going to send him spiraling in the wrong direction.”
“I . . .” I shake my head. “I don’t even know how I’m supposed to help him with that.”
“He doesn’t need your help, Tilly. He’s done the work. He just needs you to love him without question, without judgment, without prejudice. Just be unequivocally you, and the rest will just . . . follow.”
“And how the hell am I supposed to do that when he sent me packing?”
