Page 93 of Rescuing Dr. Marian
I was upset I’d missed the chance to go, but I also knew thatit was way more important for the helicopter seats to be filled with medical and helo specialists than a SAR guy.
“That kid’s in good hands,” I murmured. “Hope they’re okay.”
Jasper nodded and poked at his pasta. “I hate that someone got hurt, but I’m glad Tommy got a chance to get out of here.” He made a face. “Trace was kinda ripping into him all afternoon about going out alone during a storm. He was, ah… loud.”
I winced as I took the seat across from him. “I’m sure Tommy already feels bad.”
“I’m sure he does. But I get why Trace was upset, too. You’ve got to own up to your mistakes and try and do better.” He gave me a half smile. “That’s maybe the most important thing I’ve learned at SERA. Definitely worth the four times I had to apply before I got picked.”
His words surprised me—not that he hadn’t gotten in on the first try, since Trace was incredibly selective, but that Jasper had tried again, and again, and again. When the program had started, he’d been cautious to the point of being evasive, ducking responsibility and deferring to louder voices. I hadn’t been impressed. But Tommy had encouraged me to give him a chance, and Jasper had stepped up. A lot.
“I’m glad you stuck with it,” I said after a beat, keeping my voice even. “You’re a rock-solid student.”
“Yeah?” Jasper gave a short laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “Shit. That means a lot. I, um… I know I wasn’t when I first got here.”
I raised an eyebrow, inviting him to continue.
“I’ve wanted to come to SERA forever. Dream thing, youknow? But then about seven months ago, just after I got accepted for the summer cohort, I was the first EMT on scene at this really bad multi-car MVA just outside Golden. Woman’s car flipped down an embankment. Kid strapped in the back.” He exhaled, his eyes fixed on a point over my shoulder like he was seeing something beyond the dining hall’s wood paneling. “The mother was screaming at us to save her kid. She seemed to be shaken but mostly okay. Kid was nonresponsive, so he’s the one we focused on. We didn’t realize that the mom was suffering massive internal injuries, and…” He broke off and shook his head. “I let a mother’s fear dictate my response instead of protocol, and because of that, she died.”
“I had no idea,” I said quietly.
“Nah. Didn’t exactly volunteer that info.” Jasper hesitated, then added, “I was scared, you know? Not to talk about it, just… scared I wasn’t good enough, I guess? Like, if I couldn’t save her, did I even belong here? SAR’s the only thing I ever wanted to do, but it felt like my own brain was sabotaging me. Like it was safer not to try than to fail and have someone get hurt. Not logical, I know, but…” He tapped his temple and screwed up his face. “Messed me up anyway. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just stay small and safe.”
Like it was safer not to try than to fail and have someone get hurt.His words hit a little too close to home.
“What changed?” I demanded.
“Well. Couple things.” Jasper smiled, slow and sure. “Remember the missing kayaker drill, back at the beginning of the course? I told you I didn’t want to be in charge of nav. I was freaking out and hoping you’d hand it off to someone else so Iwouldn’t mess it up. But you said, ‘I trust you to do it.’” He looked up at me, eyes bright. “And I thought, well, okay, then. I don’t trustmeright now, but I trusthim. So if he thinks I can do it, maybe I can.”
I blinked. I’d had no fucking clue he’d take anything I said so seriously. “And you did.”
“Yeah, I did. And then the second thing… After the crash with Dr. Marian’s sister, he came to talk to me. Thanked me for organizing the gear and said it helped.” He grinned. “He’s a good guy.”
“The best,” I agreed, my voice scratchy. “The very best.”
“Right? So, I asked him, ‘How were you able to handle that, Doc? How’d you learn to keep it together?’ And he told me, ‘Training. Courses like SERA help you learn not to react out of fear, to trust yourself and the people around you. Every time a drill goes right, your brain realizes you can handle it, and that builds confidence. You can’t always control the outcomes, but your job is to show up, do the right thing to the best of your ability, andkeepshowing up, even when it’s hard.’ And I was like,shit, he’s right. I realized if I kept reacting out of fear, if I let it make me hide away and stick to what was safe, I might not be there for the next person who needs me.” He shrugged. “I did the best I could for that family that day, and I know that I made the choice that mother would have wanted.”
I swallowed. Hard. Because all I could think about was Tommy.
Tommy with his steady hands in a crisis.
Tommy, who came apart crying my name.
Tommy, who’d called off his wedding and walked away froma life that didn’t fit because it was the right thing to do. Even though it was hard.
Who’d showed up, and kept showing up… even after I’d tried to hold him at arm’s length and pretend this thing we were building was something I could bear to throw away in a couple more weeks.
Maybe I’d been doing the same thing Jasper had. Maybe the fear of being hurt had made me want to stay safe in my familiar small town. In my comfortable job.Alone.
I looked over at Jasper and nodded. “Thank you. For telling me.”
He shrugged, but his smile stayed in place. “Sure. You helped me when I really needed it, Foster. You’re a good guy, too.”
And damn if that didn’t make something shift in my chest.
“Thanks for looking after this punk,” I said, nodding at Chickie. “I owe you one.”
“No worries. Oh, hey, Trace said to tell you to come find him after you got a bite to eat. There’s leftover pasta in the fridge.”
