Page 15 of Rescuing Dr. Marian
The following conversation—in the same empty meetingroom where Foster had walked away from me with pain and contempt in his eyes—was one of the worst of my life.
In the end, I didn’t tell Kari the truth about kissing someone else. It might have mademefeel better to confess but would have only hurt her further. Kari deserved better than to be hurt more than she already was.
Instead, I told her another truth. That I was confused about what I wanted, that I needed time to reassess… and that I was so very sorry.
Kari crossed her arms in front of her chest, drawing attention to the sashes her best friend had thrown over our heads in the lobby earlier. “We’ve been together for a decade, Tommy. How much more time do you need?” she demanded. “Is this about the anesthesia thing? Because this is an incredibly immature way of handling it. My mother will be disappointed if you back out on her mentorship, but she’ll get over it.”
I blinked at her. “You think I’m calling off the wedding to get out of pursuing an anesthesia specialty?”
“What other reason could there be?” She lifted her hands and let them flop back down to her sides. “Everything else has been lining up perfectly, just the way we planned, and now this.” With the kind of disappointed grimace you might give a tantrum-throwing toddler, she added, “It’s not like you, Tommy. You usually have your shit together.”
Kari didn’t look hurt. She looked annoyed. Frustrated.
“This isn’t about my career,” I argued. “Or notjustthat. I feel like I’ve been on this carefully planned trajectory for a long time. College, med school, residency… find a nice partner and settle down. Start a family. I’ve had such a perfect image in my head of what Ishoulddo, I didn’t stop to consider what Iwantedto do. I don’t want to get married until I figure that out.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” She waved a hand. “You want to have a successful medical career and a wife who understands and supports that career. I want to be that wife. And I’m prepared to give you a family, too. That’s the dream.”
The memory of stubble scraping my chin, bourbon-tinged lips pressing against mine, and the strong grip of thick fingers on my thigh made my head swim.
“It was,” I said, recognizing immediately how right it was to say that in the past tense. “Itwas.”
An image flashed through my head—a scene in which Kari’s and my future children, dressed in matching outfits and with perfectly combed hair, stood by the fireplace at her parents’ country club for family portraits. I imagined them being told to sit quietly and use their manners. To be mature and not “ridiculous.”
And then I remembered a scene from my own childhood. When I was just learning to read, I’d confessed to Uncle Teddy—my most fun uncle—that I couldn’t remember the soundthmade. Teddy had pulled a Sharpie pen from his camera bag and drawn a “cheat sheet” on my forearm of the lettersTandHnext to drawings of a feather, a mouth with a tooth, and a thumbs-up. I’d refused to wash it off before our family’s Christmas party, so our family photos that year had featured a tow-headed boy with Sharpie drawings down his arms and hands… and a giant grin on his face as he held up his very own copy ofThe Thing That Went Thump.
That picture was far from perfect. But the life it captured—asupportive family, a mom who cared more about my happiness than my appearance—thatwas perfection.
“I want to live a life that’s genuine,” I admitted to Kari. “I want to deviate from the plan sometimes. Even if it’s messy.”
“Which is fine, but not onmywedding weekend,” she snapped. “C’mon, Tommy. Ten years together without so much as a fight over a toothpaste cap being left off, and now this? I don’t understand.”
Kari was right. We never fought. I’d thought it was a sign of how strong our marriage might be.
But what if it meant something else entirely? The realization that my parents had fought plenty over their forty-year, rock-solid marriage only left me more confused.
The trick, I realized in that moment, was that in order to fight for something, you had to care about it. Truly care. Care enough to make yourself uncomfortable and vulnerable. Care enough to make yourself known.
I could see now that I hadn’t done that with Kari. So maybe it shouldn’t have been a surprise that even after ten years, she didn’t understand me well at all.
“Tell me right now, Tommy.” She folded her slender arms in front of her chest, the Bride sash crinkling and shedding glitter onto her skin. “Is this cold feet, and we need to talk it through? Or are we done? Because if you’re calling off the wedding and we leave Hawaii without getting married… we’re over.”
Sweat broke out on my skin despite the cool bite of the air-conditioning. My stomach felt like it was filled with battery acid. My respiration rate was elevated, and my heart thundered. Was this what my panic attack patients felt in the ER?
Meanwhile, Kari didn’t have a hair out of place. Her carefully applied eye makeup hadn’t smudged. She was still perfectly put together when I felt like I was spinning apart.
Her cool confidence made me doubt myself for a second.Wasthis just pre-wedding jitters?
But the warm press of Foster’s hand still lingering on mine told me it was much more. I squeezed my fingers into a fist.
I didn’t believe in love at first sight, no matter what my uncles said, and I knew Foster would rightly never want anything to do with me, even if we ever happened to cross paths again. But kissing him had felt so fucking good, being with him had felt so freeing, I couldn’t simply go back to the life I’d been leading. I would not be rushed into a life-long commitment I was suddenly and very clearly sure I wasn’t ready for.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. I licked my suddenly dry lips and swallowed. “I don’t know what I want, but it’s not this. Not right now. I’ll catch a flight home today and be out of the apartment by the time you get back.”
Kari’s jaw tightened. “Fine. I need to tell my parents. Take care, Tommy.” She nodded once… and then the only serious relationship I’d ever had walked out the door.
I blew out a breath and made my way down the resort’s hallway to my room, avoiding the lobby, where my family was hanging out. If I knew the Marian clan, they’d be banging down my door momentarily, asking questions, offering quiet support, and gently teasing. They’d understand my decision—hell, I suspected my parents had been biting their tongues about my relationship with Kari for a while, so they might even be relieved. But I still wasn’t ready to face them yet.
I glanced out the window at the beach below. Palm trees swayed lazily in the breeze coming off the ocean. People on loungers read books, scrolled phones, or took sips of cold drinks while talking to friends or family. Everyone seemed happy. Content. Relaxed. All the things I’d expected to be when I’d arrived last night… before a chance encounter with a beautiful stranger had led me to question everything.
