Page 11 of Rescuing Dr. Marian
I’d never been money-motivated, but I was competitive and high-achieving.
Winning was a rush. Doing the right thing, being the best—thosethings motivated me.
“Is this just cold feet?” I demanded, turning to face her. “Maybe it’s situational anxiety about all the big changes happening. Getting married. Double-boarding in anesthesia. And if so…”
“Tommy, do me a favor.” Ella sat up, her top knot listing precariously to one side now. “Don’t think about what you’vebeen planning to do, or who you’re planning to marry, or who you want to kiss, or what gender anyone is. Put all of that out of your mind. Instead, tell me what you want your life to look like and the qualities of the person you want to share that life with. What are your ideal traits in a partner?”
I tried my hardest to do what she’d described, ticking each one off on my fingers. “Honesty and loyalty. A hard worker who understands my demanding career and unpredictable hours. Kind. Empathetic. Loving. Someone who likes to go on adventures and doesn’t mind my big, nosy family.”
“Hey!” she squawked with a laugh.
“Someone who wants kids. Someone who shares my sense of humor. Someone who’s passionate about things but who can also sit quietly with me and justbe. Someone who likesThe Great British Baking Showbut also likes…” I stopped and wondered if my long-standing obsession with Captain America and his spandex suit meant something different than I’d always thought. “Superheroes,” I finished lamely.
The view out of the hotel window caught my eye, and I walked toward it. The bright moon laid down a wavering stripe of light across the water, and a couple sat side by side in the sand watching the waves.
“I want someone who can tell when I’m unsure of my path and helps me talk it through without pressuring me,” I admitted softly. “I want someone who doesn’t pretend to be someone they’re not in order to impress people and who doesn’t expect me to be someone I’m not.”
Despite my best efforts, I’d been thinking of my discussion with Foster when I said that last bit. But when Ella remainedsilent behind me, I realized what I’d inadvertently admitted about my current relationship.
We both knew Kari had encouraged me to pursue anesthesia because her mother was the head of a thriving anesthesia practice. We also both knew that Kari had once convinced me to leave the hospital short-staffed rather than miss an appearance at a charity dinner. And if Kari enjoyed sitting quietly together, she’d never expressed it. She hated activities that felt like “wasting time.”
I swallowed. “Maybe I want to figure out myself before sharing my life with anyone at all,” I said, trying the words out for the first time.
They weren’t new words. In fact, my parents had used similar ones many times when I was in high school, and again when I was in college. And again when I’d told them that Kari was ready for us to get married.
At every turn, I’d rejected them. “I know myself,” I’d insisted. “I know what I’m doing.”
But did I really? When was the last time I’d considered whether all these things I was achieving were what I truly wanted?
I’d gone into medicine because of experiences I’d had on the trail or while climbing. The first had been when my cousin Cami had fallen down a hillside at my grandparents’ place in Montana. The second had been when my uncle and I had come across a man having a heart attack on the side of the trail leading to one of our favorite rock-climbing sites.
I’d become a doctor to help people in their scariest moments.
Ella made a soft, sympathetic sound. “I know it sucks, but I think you’re right. You owe it to yourselfandto Kari to figure it out.”
I stared at the moonlight streaming through the window for another moment, thinking about Foster’s warm hands on my skin, the look in his eyes before we’d kissed on the beach. Then I turned to my cousin. “I’m going to call it off. First thing tomorrow.”
I expected the words to feel heavy, and in a way, they did. I dreaded facing Kari in the morning even more than telling my family the wedding they’d flown all this way to attend was canceled. But they were freeing, too.
“If you want, I’ll be your personal bodyguard when you tell everyone,” Ella promised.
I gave a half laugh and walked over to the bed to wrap her up in a fierce hug. “How about you and I get spectacularly drunk afterward instead?”
“Deal. I love you, Tommy. No matter what, okay?”
I nodded. “Love you, too,” I said. “And thank you.”
After I left Ella’s room and returned to my own, I sat in silence for a long moment, letting the reality of what I was about to do sink in. Then I moved to the hotel desk and pulled out a notepad. I needed to leave some kind of message for Foster. An explanation for my strange behavior tonight.
But after nearly an hour, I was still staring at a blank notepad.
What could I possibly say that would explain why I’d kissed him like he was oxygen and I was drowning, then pulled away and claimed to be straight? That would convey that our timetogether had meant so much to me, I was about to upend my entire life based on that brief connection?
In the end, I kept it simple:
Foster,
Thank you for tonight. For the conversation. For the kiss. For more than I can say.
