Page 63 of Puck My Stepbrother
Normally, I hit the ice fast, struck opponents hard, took no shit from anyone, and always found ways to get the puck into the net. But all that had changed thanks to a ginger-haired guy I’d pined over for years. You know that phrase about being your first thought when you wake up and your last before you go to sleep? Yeah, that.
I had to do something.
Before you think I’m a total creep, I walked into Spot Coffee that day by coincidence. I just happened to see Quinn there with his friend what’s-his-name. I couldn’t stand to call him by hisname or call him Quinn’s boyfriend. Because he wasn’t actually his boyfriend. They hadn’t made anything official, which worked to my advantage.
In the last month, I hadn’t cared about anything that wasn’t Quinn Standish. Before, I’d only cared about hockey. Well, hockey, girls, and the occasional guy. I took my mental frustrations out on the ice. I satisfied my physical needs with those girls and the occasional guy. They’d all been more than happy to hop into bed with me, and I’d definitely enjoyed my share of fun, but none of them had really mattered to me. I could’ve taken or left them.
With Quinn, everything had changed. I wanted his body, just like I had with the others, but I couldn’t just leave him now that I’d had him. I wanted something more. When I was with Quinn, I felt like I was on top of the mountain, like I’d already won a Stanley Cup. It was the most exhilarating feeling on earth, and I couldn’t give it up.
When I wasn’t with him, Iwantedto be. It created a hollow and empty feeling inside me. I felt like I’d lose my mind if we spent more than a few minutes apart. Part of me realized why I felt that way, and what made Quinn different from the others.
But could I admit it, even to myself?
“What’s wrong with you, dude?” Detenbeck asked.
I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. At this point, what was left to say?
We sat in the locker room after everyone else had filed out. I knew he’d stayed just so he could grill me. I couldn’t get mad at him for going a little rough on me. The rest of the guys hadn’t even looked at me when they’d left the room.
And I knew he meant well. This wasn’t personal—he was going tough on me because I needed a swift kick in the ass. Trust me, I’ve done the same with my share of teammates. Problem was, we’d passed the stage of a kick in the ass being able to help me.
“You’re gonna have to pull your head out of your ass,” he said. “We can’t keep losing like this. Not if we want to repeat as champions.”
“I know.”
“That means you can’t keep playing the way you have.”
“It’s a team sport, bro. We win together, we lose together. Isn’t that what Coach Hardison always tells us?”
“He does. And normally that’s true. But it really only counts when every single member of this hockey team is giving one hundred and ten percent.”
“Hold on. Are you saying that I’ve been giving the Larkin Lions less than one hundred and ten percent?”
Now it was Detenbeck’s turn to avoid answering. He was totally thinking something, and I could guess what. But I couldn’t deny lacking the intensity I normally played with. Any other time, I would’ve practically bitten the goalie’s head off for even making that suggestion. I wouldn’t allow anyone to suggest I was anything less than the toughest motherfucker on the ice. Now I could barely disagree with him.
“So what if I haven’t been myself lately?” I asked.
“It’s a big deal, Levi. These things come with consequences. When we lose, you can’t say,it’s just a game.”
“And you can’t say,it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the gameeither. Trust me, I get it.”
“Be a smartass all you want, Levi. That doesn’t change the fact that you’re hurting your own future…and that of everyone else around you.”
“Fuck off, would you?”
“Don’t start, Levi. You know I’m speaking truth here.”
“It’s a slump. That’s all it is, nothing more.”
“I know what a slump looks like, Levi. It’s when you play like shit for no good reason. This is different. I’m seeing a different guy on the ice.”
“I’m telling you, it’s nothing.”
“So you’re denying that you’ve got something else going on?”
I wanted to tell my teammate the truth. I had serious feelings for Quinn Standish that reached beyond anything I’d felt for him growing up. It wasn’t just about getting in his ass. And it wasn’t just about him becoming…what? My boyfriend?
In Quinn Standish, I saw someone who made me see the world differently. He showed me feelings I’d honestly doubted I could experience. He made me question who I really was. Most of all, I saw someone I could be with for the long haul.
