Page 100 of The Now in Forever
But as we spent more and more time together, I knew it was. I didn’t know how to bring it up at first because I didn’t want to ruin our new thing. When I finally did, I was so worried I would fuckthis all up. After fate and the universe decided to give us another chance, I couldn’t. But it really feels like I have.
I’d like a do-over. Will you come back to LA?
Let me know what you think.
Love,
Ed
I read and reread it until the screen burns my eyes.Love, Ed. He put love at the end. Does he love me, or is that just how he signs his informal emails? And he asked me to come to LA… For how long? Is he asking me to move there too?
Either way, I can’t. I won't give up my bookstore, not when it’s all coming together. My fingers tap lightly at the keys. Typing, deleting, retyping, deleting. Finally, I hit Send.
Message sent: Monday August 19th 1:13 p.m.
Ed,
Recently, I have discovered that I have a tendency to walk away when things are hard or intense. I take the safe route to protect myself. Like not exchanging numbers when we met a decade ago. I was terrified you’d ghost me. And recently suggesting we not talk. I was trying to save face after going to LA and feeling like you didn’t want me there. But instead of running from hard conversations and sharing our feelings, I have gone thebottle it up, keep it to myselfroute, which won’t help anyone. So here goes…
Thank you for inviting me. Really, truly, thank you, but I can’t go. At least not right now. I’m about to see a man about a bookstore!
I don’t know where that leaves us. Hopefully, we can figure out a way for there still to be us.
Owning my own bookstore has been my dream since I was a kid. I only have this one life, and I have to go for it. If anyone can understand that, it’s you.
You’re welcome to visit me whenever you like. There’s plenty of room in my new place. Did I mention the bookstore has an apartment above it? It’s gorgeous—hardwood floors, a view of the ocean. Would you like to come see sometime?
Love,
Hattie
Brewing another cup of coffee, I open the email and get to work.
About an hour later, a new email pops up.
Message sent: Tuesday August 19th 2:43 p.m.
That’s awesome! Congratulations.
You’re busy working on your book and about to start this new endeavor, and you don’t need to be checking your phone all the time for texts from me. So, I would like it if we could keep emailing. I don’t want to stop talking to you, but I also know we both might need space to focus on our own stuff right now.I know in the past, people haven’t shown up for you in long-distance relationships, but I promise you I will.
Let me know what you think.
Love,
Ed
Setting the phone down, I take a hefty sip of coffee then stare out my window at the rolling waves. Iwouldlike time to focus on the bookstoreand on editing my book without constantly thinking about Ed. Email would be a good way to stay in each other’s lives without dominating it with a million texts a day.
I take a deep breath and pick my phone back up.
Message sent: Tuesday August 19th 2:57 p.m.
That’s a great idea.
It takes a solid week of going back and forth with Anh on edits. Once the business plan is perfect, I make an appointment with the bank. Anh offers to come, but I assure her I can do this on my own. Despite the cool gray day, I am sweating in my sensible blue button-up shirt. The walk to the bank is flat, but the way my heart is hammering in my chest, it feels like I’m running straight uphill. The bank looks like it’s straight out of the seventies, with lots of brown. Brown tiles, dark wood, and orange chairs. Pushing my shoulders back, I take a deep breath and head to the counter.
“Hi, my name is Hattie. I have an appointment.”
