Page 53 of The Now in Forever
Ed takes a swig of his beer, and it feels like he’s buying time. I run my thumb over the smooth glass in my hand and don’t say anything. Iwait. I’ve waited for ten years to hear this. What’s a few more minutes?
“I wanted to be there. I did. It just…wasn’t possible. Do you remember that night we were together how my mom was home?”
I nod.
He sighs. “She lost her job. At the time, she said she was laid off. But part of me knew she was lying. My mom has a problem with pills. It wasn’t the first job she lost. But this time, she couldn’t find another one. While I was at the residency, she accidentally set the house on fire. I’m not even sure what happened. I’m positive she was either drunk or high or both. She says she had a seance with all these candles, and the spirit got out of hand.” He runs a hand over his face. “She was already behind on the mortgage. She had to sell the house. Then she met a guy online. He lived in Seattle, and she moved in with him. He was a big drinker. So, they would just get fucked up.”
He turns his can on the table; the condensation runs off the aluminum. “Toward the end of the residency, I got a call from the hospital. My mom fell off the railing of her deck trying to hang Christmas lights from the roof while drunk and high. I went to Seattle to take care of her. Moved her out of that place and into a friend’s for a bit. She was so pissed at me. We all lived there in this tiny apartment. Broke as fuck. We were in Portland on the day I was supposed to meet you. It was all such a mess. How could I meet you and bring you into that? That day we spent together, we felt so connected. Like you really saw me.”
“It felt that way for me too.”
He reaches across the table and runs his fingers along mine. “When you’re trying to do everything you can to survive, the last thing you need is to be with someone who sees straight to your soul.”
My chest feels heavy, my breaths shallow.
Hecouldn’tcome.
It all makes perfect sense. He needed to be with his mom. Somehow, it feels like there’s something missing from this story. I can’t put my finger on it. But maybe it’s just that I’ve been waiting so long tohear the reason, built it up in my head, that now that I have it, it doesn’t feel like enough. Like the end ofLost.
“Did you ever get my message?”
I look up into his face. The light from the candle kisses his cheek, catching his green eyes and making them sparkle like sunlight on a lake. “Message?”
He runs his hand on the back of his neck. “I couldn’t help trying to find you online. I sent you a Facebook message and a friend request. When you never responded, I figured you were pissed.”
“I’m not on Facebook.”
“Now, but I sent this like the day before we were supposed to meet.”
My brows knit together. “I was on Facebook in high school, but I deleted it before we even met.”
“No, it was you. It had to be. How many Harriet Stevens are there? And the profile picture was a book.”
With a swift movement, he whips his phone and scrolls down, down, down. “Here it is. Shit. Now it’s blank and just says Facebook user. I swear it said Harriet Stevens and had a picture of a leather-bound copy ofPride and Prejudice.”
He hands me the phone. The date says December twentieth. He’s not lying… He really did send it before we were supposed to meet. I read the gray bubble.
Hattie. I think this is you. I hope this is you. I know we said no texting, and I get it. But I wish we had exchanged numbers just in case. I can’t be there tomorrow. I wish I could. Please know that I truly, deeply wish I could. But it’s just not possible. My life is a mess. I wish I could explain more, but it’s not completely my story to tell—or maybe it is and I’m not ready to tell it. Please know I’ve thought about you every second of every day since we met. I wish I was going to be there tomorrow, but I just can’t. Text me.
His number is in a separate bubble. I can’t stop staring at the screen, too bright in this dark bar. Our lives would be so different if this had been me.
Ed breaks into my thoughts. “I was sure you read it and ghosted me.”
He moves his hand from mine, running it over scratches in the table. “Do you think you can forgive me?”
I can hold on to this hurt over him not being there that day, like I have for nearly a decade, or I can let it go like a balloon floating up into the atmosphere.I can feel the string of the balloon slipping through my fingers, but at the last moment, I yank it back down to earth.
“What about the signing? I even gave you my name. You had no idea who I was.”
Ed lets out a long breath. “That whole tour was a shit show. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you, though.”
I reach up to tuck my hair behind my ear. “My hair was short and blonde that day.”
Ed raises his eyebrows. “Blonde, huh?”
I nod. “It was my breakup hair. I was very into the movieSliding Doorsat that time, and I took a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow from that movie into the salon.”
“Never seen it. I’m sure it looked amazing. I wish I could remember. I was behind on my second book. Then my mom went off with some other guy. She moved to New Mexico. I wanted to cancel the rest of the tour, but they wouldn’t let me.”
