Page 35 of Ember's Heart
Colton
The last week has been hell. After storming out of town, I’d driven aimlessly until I found a cheap, out of the way motel. I’d called my parents to let them know I was alive and mostly okay. Mom’s words hit hard, her disappointment heavy in her voice as she gave me an earful and accused me of repeating my past mistakes, letting me know that Ember didn’t deserve to go through the pain all over again. The following day, I’d sent Scott a text, a short, clipped apology, telling him I wouldn’t be able to volunteer at Habitat for a while. Afterwards I met Alejandro at a small, old-fashioned diner, our first official session.
There was, however, one person I hadn’t called. One person I knew I should have, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Ember.
Now, I was at a small cabin Alejandro owned, tucked away deep in the woods, a place he’d bought after his own discharge from the Armywhen he’d needed to be alone. It was rustic, one open room for the kitchen and living room with a wood-burning stove, the bathroom was right off the kitchen, and there was a bedroom next to the bathroom with just a bed, and a small table. It wasn’t much, but it was quiet. Isolated. Exactly what I needed to get my head straight. And when Alejandro offered it to me instead of the dirty motel, I jumped on it.
I was back at the same diner, nursing a black coffee as I waited for Alejandro to arrive for our next session. We text or call each other daily, but we’d agreed to meet in person once a week.
As soon as Alejandro walked in, he spotted me, offered a small, knowing smile, and walked over, extending his hand. “Colton,” he greeted, his handshake firm. His calm demeanor was a stark contrast to what I was feeling. “Alejandro,” I replied, gripping his hand.
Sliding into the booth opposite me, he asked, “How have you been? Have you been working on the exercises I gave you? The ones to help you deal with those feelings when they hit?”
I shifted uncomfortably, looking out the window. “Yeah, I’ve tried. It’s… just been a lot. Sunday was a complete disaster.” I didn’t have to recount the fireworks and the panic attack that followed, or the argument with Ember. I’d already told him. The shame burned in my gut even as I told him. “I was actually feeling positive. I thought, maybe, just maybe, things were going to be ok. It’s like all the progress I made with Ember went to hell. I told her I wasn’t good enough. That I was broken.” Looking back at Alejandro, with desperation and hurt in my voice, I continued, “I told her to get away from me. I walked away from her again.“
I went on to tell him about my nightmares and waking up in cold sweats. How they’ve only gotten worse since the Fourth of July.
Alejandro listened, his expression unreadable, occasionally nodding. “What you’re describing is normal. It sounds like you’re experiencing a classic flashback response, Colton. PTSD. It’s your brain’s way of protecting you from the trauma of that day. The anger you felt, the need to push Ember away… that’s a defense mechanism.” He paused, his gaze thoughtful. “But the part about not being good enough… that’s deeper, Colton. That’s the guilt. The belief that you’re inherently flawed because of what happened. It’s the guilt because you survived when others didn’t.”
He leaned forward slightly, his voice softer. “You said earlier you feel like you ‘revert.’ What you’re actually doing is facing your trauma. It’s a difficult, painful process, but it’s necessary to heal. You’re not reverting, Colton. You’rerevisitingthe day of the attack, but this time, you have the tools to navigate it. And the courage to try.”
I looked at him with curiosity. “You really seem to understand all this,” I waved my hand between us, “but you never mentioned what exactly happened to you.” I said to him, suddenly intrigued to know more about the man I’ve been spilling my guts to this past week.
Alejandro’s expression remained calm, though a brief flicker of something that liked pain passed in his eyes. “Like you, Colton, a mission went wrong. I was betrayed by someone I thought I loved and could trust. But that’s a story for another day.” He gave a slight shake of his head. “What matters now is your recovery. Regardless of the hell you’re in now and how dark things seem, there is a light. I found my light when I was least expecting it, when I thought I was completely lost. You will too. And I’ll be here to help you.”
It’s been a couple days since I met with Alejandro. I was back at the cabin, the sun was beginning its slow descent as I sat on the old wooden porch step, the weight of my phone in hand. My thumb hovered over Ember’s number.
I couldn’t call her. Not yet. I couldn’t deal with actually talking to her, with hearing her voice, or the pain I knew I’d hear in it. But I had to at least send a text. I owed her that much. My heart pounded against my ribs as I typed out my message.
Firefly,
Ember, I don’t even know where to start, or what to say.
First, I guess I need to say, please don’t delete this before reading. Next, I need you to know, I’m so sorry. For the past, for what happened on the Fourth, for everything. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, or anything from you. I know I sound like a broken record, repeating the same mistakes, saying the same old words, but I need you to know it wasn’t you. It never was. I’m truly sorry for the way I acted, for the pain I caused you with not only my actions, but my words.
Leaving town wasn’t me running from you. I need to work on myself. I am working on myself, Ember. I’m finally facing past demons, trying to heal. All I ask is for you to wait. This time will be different.
I swear it.
I’ll make up for everything I’ve put you through. I want forever with you.
You, Ember, my Firefly, are and have always been the only one I wanted forever with.
I love you, Firefly.
Please wait for me. Have faith.
I hit send before I could overthink it, my thumb shaking slightly.The message was out there, a raw, emotional plea I hoped Ember would see in my words.
Chapter 27
Ember
Ican’t believe we’re in August already, this summer is flying by. It’s already been a full, agonizing month since Colton left town, leaving me reeling and the familiar pain that his absence left me with before.
Three weeks since that raw and emotional text message he sent, pleading for my forgiveness and asking me to wait. Since then, there had only been a couple of short, vague texts, usually just a check-in, a brief “thinking of you.” It felt like there was a constant tug-of-war going on inside of me. Part of me, the hopeful, foolish part, wanted to believe what he was saying, to hold onto the promise of a future with him. But another, more jaded part, questioned everything, seeing only repeat actions of the past.
This morning, Garrett and I were in one of the empty workshops on the farm finishing up packing the last of the Farm to Table mealkits, ready for local customers to pick up. Keeping busy and the scent of herbs and tomatoes around us was a welcome distraction and helped get my mind off Colton and what I was going to do.
