Page 113 of Sweet Escape
“What if I lose her?” My biggest fear comes tumbling out before I can stop it.
Mama smiles sympathetically.“What if I lose your daddy? What if I lose you or your brothers? It’s a risk we all take when we open our hearts to love. You have to decide if it’s a riskyou’rewilling to take.”
“Head or heart?” I ask.
“That, my sweet boy, was heart, but my response would be much the same either way. You can’t spend your life living in fear of what might happen. That’s not living.”
“It’s my fault, Mama.”
“What do you mean?”
“The accident. Losing Jess. It was my fault. It should’ve been me.” I bury my face in my hands, trying to hold it all together.
“Wilder, look at me.” When I look up again, her gaze holds mine, unwavering empathy radiating off her in waves. “Do you think Jess would want you to be in her place? Do you think she would have chosen to spend her life without you?”
“No, but?—”
“It could’ve happened to anyone that night. It was a series of misfortunes that led to her death, and none of what happened rests onyourshoulders. Let go of the guilt that’s eating you up. That’s no way to live. Not for you, not for anyone. Jess would be happy to know her heart is beating for someone else now. She saved many lives that night. Take solace in that.”
In my gut, I know she’s right, but that doesn’t make it any easier to face the truth. Even if Icouldlet go of the past, that doesn’t change that I’ve already caused so much damage to my relationship with Liv by holding myself back.
“She told me she loves me,” I say. “Olivia, I mean.”
She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Then you should consider yourself fortunate to have the love of such a special woman. To love and be loved is the greatest gift.”
I rub a hand over my temples. A pang of regret settles in my bones. “I didn’t say it back.”
She pats my cheek, giving me a wry smile. “She knows. A good woman always knows.”
“I don’t want to fail them.”
“You won’t. All you have to do is love them. Everything else is extra.”
I stand to leave, pulling Mama in for a brief hug. “Thank you.”
I make it all the way to the doorway before her voice calls me back. “Wilder?”
“Yeah?”
“Head or heart?”
“Heart.”
My fingers play with the weathered slip of paper in my pocket, my thumb sliding carefully over the small fold in the center before I bring it out to read the words for what must be the thousandth time since I pulled it from the fortune cookie.
“Love doesn’t have to be once in a lifetime.”
I’ll never know what compelled me to keep it—to lie about the contents and tuck it away for safekeeping—but it felt somehow essential to my wellbeing. I couldn’t bring myself to toss it away with the trash, even though I loathed its sentiment from the very beginning. Not anymore.
I follow the cobblestone path toward the back of the cemetery, stopping beside the overgrown oak with the orange and red leaves scattered around its base. It’s my first time seeing the black granite headstone, with her name etched across the front with a beginning and an end. I move closer to the stone, swiping the fallen leaves from the surface. Stepping back, I slide my hands into my pockets, wishing I could reach out and touch her one last time.
“Hey, Jess. It’s been a while.”
A soft breeze tickles the hair at the nape of my neck, bringing with it a calm that settles under my skin and soothes my ragged nerves.
“Did you do it? Did you send them to me?”
She won’t answer, but somehow I know. This has Jess written all over it.
