Page 53 of Heartstrings & Horizons
I decide to leave it at that as I climb into the backseat of Dean’s truck and steel myself to head back to the reality that awaits me, no matter how bleak. I keep my eyes trained on the scenery as I replay our weekend on a loop in my head. It’s Miles who breaks into my memories a little while later. “Are you going to tell us about your weekend?”
I sigh, resigning myself to the knowledge that I won’t be able to postpone the inevitable interrogation. At best, I can get ahead of their questioning by telling them as much as possible while still keeping some of the more sensitive details to myself.
“It was great, man. She was… everything I thought she would be and more.”
“Are you going to admit you’re in love with her?” Dean asks with a hint of exasperation in his voice.
Dean has been my best friend since childhood. He knows me better than anyone; still, it wouldn’t be fair to Paige to announce my feelings without telling her first. Our eyes meet in the rearview mirror in silent communication, and I’m grateful when he lets the question go unanswered.
That’s the thing about my friends – they know when to push and when to let things go. I couldn’t ask for a better brotherhood and I don’t doubt that they will bring Paige into the fold with open arms when the time comes.
Chapter 20
Paige
? Matilda - Harry Styles
The instant I stepped into Dad’s truck, his face filled with a mixture of worry and concern. I know I must have looked like a wreck, with makeup smeared across my cheeks. He pats my thigh in solidarity as I do my best to hold back more tears. It’s a miracle the well hasn’t dried up yet. I bring Cade’s hoodie to my nose and inhale.
“Happy Birthday, kiddo.”
“Thanks, Dad. Sorry, I’m not exactly a good travel companion right now.”
“No problem, Pipsqueak. Wanna talk about it?” He knew I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend at the airport, but I kept the details vague. I can’t tell if he’s fishing, but I don’t miss the moment his gaze snags on my ring finger. Shock washes over his expression, but he quickly reins it in, waiting for my response.
I know I can’t really ignore the elephant in the room, so I blurt, “I’m engaged.”
“Yeah, I gathered that by the rock on your finger.”
Inhaling a shaky breath, I begin my well-rehearsed speech, “I know this is going to seem like it came out of left field —”
“You could definitely say that,” he cuts in.
“We kept our relationship private for a long time. It’s not personal. We had a lot to figure out.” I anticipated that I would have a lot to answer for, so I made sure I was prepared for any eventuality. “His name is Cade. He’s 27 years old, and he lives in Oak Ridge, Kentucky. We didn’t plan to rush into things the way we did but it feels right, Dad. Once we realized we lived so far apart, we agreed to be friends, but if I’m being honest, there was always something more there. I really want you and Mom to support me.”
“Are you done?” he snaps. I nod and brace myself for what comes next.
“I want you to be happy.”Ok this isn’t too bad.“But you can’t really be serious. What happens when long distance doesn’t work out? How do you plan to finish your degree and have a relationship with someone who lives in another country? You’re 23 years old, for fuck’s sake. You have a whole life to live.”
Deep breath, Paige. You knew this was coming. “I know this is a shock and I understand that we have a lot to talk about, Dad, but can you at least respect me enough to let me make my own decisions for once? He makes me happy, more than anything else in my life ever has.”
“That may well be the case, but you should be focusing on getting your degree, not traipsing around Toronto with some guy you hardly know.”
“I dropped out, Dad.” I blurt out the words in frustration, and it’s too late to take them back so I decide to soldier on. “I was depressed and failing. I don’t want to be a teacher, I never have. There was so much pressure to follow the path that you and mom laid out for me. I have other dreams and I want to choose me for once.” A stunned silence fills the cab of Dad’s truck. I’ve never spoken about this before and truthfully it feels like a weight off my chest.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m disappointed in you, Paige.”
I’m speechless. The words replay on repeat in my head for the rest of the drive;“I’m disappointed in you”.They’re the words every child dreads, and they pierce straight through my already bruised heart.
The rest of the drive passes in silence. Every mile takes me further away from Cade and the intricately woven pieces of our time together. My father’s words weigh heavily on my chest, rendering me unable to take a full breath.
We were really close when I was younger, before a gaping chasm tore apart our fragile relationship. After my parents’ marriage fell apart, our former bond dissolved, due in no small part to my own unintentional interference. The happy days of them dancing in the kitchen, or laughing together on movie nights were few and far between for years — my discovery only helped to expedite the process.
I have vivid memories of waking up to shouting voices carrying down the hallway to my bedroom. I never could go back to sleep once the vitriol reached my ears. My older brother was fortunate in that his bedroom was on another level — he never bore witness to the hostility and resentment that my parents tried to hide behind closed doors. I don't think Luca ever forgave me for my role in their divorce, or my subsequent decision to move in with my dad and his girlfriend. If I’m being honest, I never really forgave myself either.
Deep down, I know all of those things, yet I’m still desperately clinging to a childhood that no longer exists and a relationship with my father that has long since wilted.
When we arrive at dad’s house outside of Ottawa, I head straight upstairs to my designated guest room to decompress. The last thing I need is a run-in with Susan to add to this day’s events. I pull out my phone hoping to find a text from Cade letting me know that he’s landed, but instead I’m greeted by a voicemail from my mom. A shiver rushes up my spine, a heavy sense of dread taking over my body. I reluctantly press play.
