Page 90 of Fierce Love
I can’t let Mickie raise another child, doomed to suffer the same abuse as me. I can’t let Verna rot in jail for whatever Mickie and Niall have done. There’d be no relief for my brother or sister without Verna around, no one to temper Mickie’s emotional swings.
Since I met Nate, my deepest desire has been him. Just him. But I can’t let that life be what I desire now. It’ll come at the expense of too many others. Turns out my deepest desire, the one Celia warned me would have a price, is to keep my sibling safe, to keep Aunt Verna out of jail.
I stand at the desk, numb. The kind of numb that used to take over whenever my mother sliced into me one time too many is settling across my consciousness. Bile rises in my throat at what I know I have to do, the only choice that guarantees the outcomes I can live with. I can’t save us all.
I swallow down the idea of Nate, the future we hoped for, the one I’d almost started to think we could have, and I take out my phone to name my price to the one person I know who can pay it.
Chapter Forty-Two
Hollyn
“So you went to my mother?” Nate prompts after I tell him about Aunt Verna’s arrest and my limited options. His tone is neutral, like he’s processing everything in slow motion.
Maybe it’s my tears, the fact that I’m barely getting the words out, but he’s being incredibly gentle. I’m still in his lap, and he’s been listening intently, a crease between his brows.
“Yes,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. The next part makes my heart feel like it’s being ripped from my chest, and I’m not sure if I can get the words out. “I… I… bargained our relationship for my aunt’s release, for my sister’s life.”
Nate sucks in a deep breath, and he releases it slowly, the air hissing through his teeth. His reaction is what I’ve been dreading since I returned, the reason I’ve been guarding my secret so closely. He won’t be able to forgive me, and I can’t blame him. He’s blameless in all of this.
I went to Celia willingly. No one forced me. No gun was put to my head. I knew what I had to offer, and while I understood some of what it would dotome, what it could doforme, I know now that I didn’t consider Nate enough during the process. His feelings weren’t on my radar the way they should have been. My aunt, my sister, and me—I didn’t have mental or emotional room for anyone else that night.
Even now, I’m not sure I can bring myself to regret my choice. Maybe I should, but I kept me, my aunt, and Kin as safe as I could. That’s worth something. The years we had together, shielded from the chaos my parents brought, meant something. Even if I broke my heart and Nate’s in the process.
“I think I need…” He covers his face with his hands and seems at a loss for a minute before dragging them down. His expression is haggard. “I think I need you to sit somewhere else while I process this.”
“Okay.” I scramble off him, chest heaving, and I sink into the couch, running my hands along my thighs in quick motions. “Okay.” I can barely contain my sob. “I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know you won’t forgive me.”
“I need you to explain to me what you mean by you bargained for your aunt’s release and your sister’s life, because that can’t be all of it. You fuckingdisappeared, Hollyn. I need you to explain to me very clearly what this deal entailed.” He flicks his hand toward the pile of papers and the manilla envelopes on the floor. “Because everything I just read makes me think this betrayal goes really fucking deep.”
“I don’t know what you read.” But more importantly, I had no idea my aunt had copies of the paperwork between me and Celia.Ido, of course. In my apartment in New York, I’ve kept everything Celia gave me, made me sign from that night and the years in between. Why would Aunt Verna have copies?
Then I catch sight of the open bottom drawer for the first time, and I can’t get over the amount of cash. We were always paycheck to paycheck. Why would she have that much stashed away?
Is the drawer Nate unlocked what my mother was looking for? Hadn’t that been what Mickie said, Aunt Verna had her papers and some money?
Tears streak down my face faster than I can wipe them away. Confusion is swirling through me mixed with something akin to regret, but I don’t even know if regret is the right emotion. I did what I felt I had to, and part of me is desperate to cling on to the sense of rightness that’s been my constant companion for years. The choice was impossible, and I went in the direction that incurred the least amount of damage to everyone I loved.
But all of it feels really fucking wrong when I’m sitting across from Nate, and seeing, knowing,understandingthe impact my choices had on him. He didn’t get to choose his future. I knowingly ripped the one he wanted right out of his hands.
“The deal has a lot of parts,” I say, struggling to keep my voice steady. “I knew that night that she’d likely ask me to ghost you.” Saying it out loud makes me feel a thousand times worse, and my stomach is threatening to revolt. I swallow down the bile caked around those decisions.
Nate stares at me, his expression devastated, his blue-green eyes haunted. I understand now what my deal cost him, and he doesn’t encourage me to keep talking.
My breathing is shallow, and I lick my lips. “Celia said…” I take a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm my out-of-control nervous system. “She said she could get the charges dropped on my aunt. Said if I stayed away from you while my parents were in jail, that she’d help me get custody of Kinsley before they could get her back.” My voice wobbles, and my chin is shaking so hard I’m barely holding myself together.
“You disappeared,” he says, and I can hear the anguish in his voice.
“I said… I said you’d look for me.” I meet his gaze. “She said she’d take care of that. New school. New program. A bit of distance. I wasn’t that special.” And at the time, I’d let myself believe that because I was young, because I wanted it to be true, because I wanted to believe that Nate wouldn’t be devastated by my choices. It was easier if the only person being ruined was me.
Nate slumps back into the chair and stares up at the ceiling, an air of defeat around him. “And?”
“Just before I finished my degree, your mom contacted me to say she could get Kinsley out of foster care and to New York with me. Which is… which is what I wanted.” My voice has grown thick again with tears. “Celia didn’t want me on the island. Said she’d take care of the custody arrangements.” I take a couple of deep breaths because this next part stings. It’s how Celia has kept me over a barrel. “I didn’t realize what that would mean.” That letting her handle the details, staying off the island until the last moment, would only give her more room to screw me. “Technically, your mom has legal custody of Kinsley. I have temporary physical custody.”
Nate shoots forward, his elbows landing on his knees. “Mymother is Kinsley’s legal guardian?”
“If I broke our agreement, I’d have to repay any money Celia gave me during my transition to a different college. I forfeited the scholarship I earned, and Celia paid for my degree instead. She also said she’d remove me as the temporary guardian if I didn’t stick to our terms around contacting you.”
“But you haven’t stuck to the terms. Not since you’ve been back.”
