Page 55 of Cruel Alpha Beast
“There’s no time to explain,” she says quickly. “Please, just keep kissing me.”
Her lips are wet and soft against mine. I love kissing her, feeling her arms around me, pulling me closer. And in any other moment, I would be overjoyed to feel her undoing my fly just enough to reach her hand under the waistband of my boxers.
But I can only focus on the heaps of information I’ve just received. And on the things fluttering through my brain—everything I’ve left unsaid.
As much as I love Lacey, her touch does nothing to make me harder right now. I’m far too preoccupied with my thoughts. And she notices, her face falling in disappointment.
Breaking apart, I look at her sheepishly. “It’s not you,” I say as soon as I see the confusion, the hurt on her face. “Lacey, hell no, it’s not you. It’s… It’s everything around me, right now.”
“Please, we have to,” Lacey murmurs. “It’s important.”
“I can’t, Lacey,” I tell her, and she removes her hand, stepping away from me. “Look, there’s something I need to tell you before I lose the opportunity forever.”
Lacey cocks her head to the side, sniffling back her tears. “What is it?”
“I am absolutely and completely in love with you, Lacey. Every inch, head to toe,” I admit. “I’ve been too afraid to say it because I worry I still haven’t earned your full love and affection. But now I can’t stand here andnottell you that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for us.”
Lacey backs up further, and it’s clear that something is coming over her in that very same moment. Her face fell in a way that I was dreading it would, only confirming my worst suspicions about telling her how I really feel.
“I’d ask if you think I’ve earned it, but it seems I’ve fallen quite short,” I say, glancing down at my feet.
When I meet her eyes again, I can see how much this revelation breaks her. I thought we had been in a good place lately, that she was falling for me all over again, but I guess I was wrong.
“I can’t say it back,” she tells me hoarsely, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Sawyer, you’ve surpassed a lot of my expectations over the last week. I thought I was getting closer to saying it, too, but I don’t think I realized just how deep these scars run until right now.”
It’s like my heart is being torn out of my chest by one of those shadow monsters from the forest. I still haven’t proven myself to her.
“I know you’ve changed,” she adds, heartbreakingly. “I’ve seen you be a much better person now. But everything you did, everything you said to me, they’ve left a huge scar that hasn’t fully healed.”
I can’t even say that I’m sorry. Words can never be enough.
All I can do is beat myself up more over my foolish ways.
“I’m so proud of you for maturing, but it’s just not enough for me to be able to say it back. I mean, what if you change your mind immediately after saying this?” she asks. “What if I reopen that wound, just for it to fester again? I’ve been so guarded all of these years, Sawyer. It’s all to protect me from getting hurt. And now that the stakes are so high—now that we have adaughterwho’s learning who you are, who’s falling in love with you, herself, I just can’t do it again…”
My own eyes fill with tears as she continues to ramble in front of me. I knew I had fucked up royally, but it seems I’ve shifted her life completely with my past transgressions.
I’m the worst person I’ve ever known. This just confirms it.
“Look, I know it’s irrational,” Lacey says through hitching breaths. “I know that I’m probably making a huge mistake right now. But I also know that if I get hurt like that again, I will never be able to forgive myself.”
All I can do is nod my head. I deserve this. And it’s only a fraction of how horrible I’ve made her feel.
“You deserve the truth, Sawyer,” she tells me. “Even if we both die in the next five minutes, I can’t let the truth go unsaid. Not with you.”
My heart crumples deep within my chest, but I continue to nod my head. “I understand, Lacey,” I tell her. “But even if I die in the nextminute, I will spend that last minute of my life proving myself to you, Lacey. I love you, even if you don’t love me back.”
Her lips part and open several times, but no words come out. She won’t let them. She won’t allow herself to tell me how she really feels.
I’ll just have to be more patient.
“If we’re lucky to live a lifetime together,” I continue, “then I’ll prove myself to you every day. If it takes you until we’re both old and gray, then I’ll wait that long, and even longer. And if I turn into a fossil before you can even think to say it, then so be it, as well. I will just love you until then and beyond.”
I turn to grab the backpack and leave the kitchen, hoping to find something else useful in that musty old book Monroe gave her. But before I can even reach for one of the straps, Lacey steps forward and takes my elbow in her hand.
Her eyes still glassy with tears, she pulls my face against hers, kissing me with less reckless abandon than before. Just as I will wait for her to say she loves me, she waits for me to pull her closer, to melt my body against hers.
After what feels like a lifetime of tender, sweet kisses brought about by the honesty we’ve shared with each other, I feel the front of my pants start to tighten. Lacey’s hands drift between us once again, and she pulls my stiffening cock from the depths of my boxers.
