Page 29 of Leo
“That’s what he said.”
“No fair!”
We laughed at our inanity, picking at our salads while the kids and Mike were somehow managing to make solving a puzzle into a full contact sport in the other room.Finally, I pushed my bowl aside and admitted, “I think I fucked up.And I think I fucked up so big Ambrose might not forgive me.”
“Walk me through it again,” Naomi ordered, suddenly all seriousness.“Starting with what happened between you two after we left.”
“I’ve already told you twice.”
“Then tell me thrice.”
“You’ve been waiting for ages to use that word in a sentence, haven’t you?”
She sighed.“You’d think my constant quoting ofSchitt’s Creekwould’ve led me to use it at least once in conversation so far but nope.”She pulled my portion of the pineapple fried rice to her side of the table.“Have you considered the fact that, since he’snotfucking off, and he’s actually trying to honor the boundaries you set, it means he’s in this for real?It’s not just some fling with the cute funeral director?”
“No,” I muttered, poking at my salad once more.“Why would he be?What the hell could he possibly get out of dragging things out with me, Naomi?”
“Leo.”
I glanced up only to be pelted in the forehead with a piece of pineapple.“That’s for being a putz.And this”—she flicked a bit of rice at me—“is for having your head up your ass.”
I brushed the food off my t-shirt and frowned at her.“Seriously?”
“Yes, you’re seriously a putz with your head up your ass.How long has it been since you’ve talked to Ambrose?”
“We texted earlier.He asked me how my day was, I told him about the flower mix up for the lobby arrangements today, and he told me about testing an eggnog cookie recipe for the winter menu.”
She stared.“And then?”
I shrugged.“That was it.”
“Oh.My.God.You are pathetic.Both of you.”She reached for the salad to get another projectile, but I beat her to it.“Hey!You got papaya in my eye!”
“Next to your eye.You’ll live.”
“Hmph.”She popped the fruit in her mouth and glared as she chewed.Finally, after she swallowed, she said, “Have you two talked any more about this?Whatgoing slowmeans?Or did you both just go off half-cocked and pump the breaks without deciding what that looked like for you?”
“No,” I drawled, drawing the word out far too long.“I mean, he knows I’m putting Edward first and—”
“And,” she interrupted softly, “do you even know what that looks like for you?What does putting him first mean?You’ve been saying it for six years, but I don’t think you really know, Leo.Is it what your dad thinks it should be, some sort of martyrdom for daring to be a single parent by choice?Or is it something else?Like maybe making sure Edward is healthy, safe, and happy?Like making sure he has a dad who isn’t miserable?”She popped another piece of papaya into her mouth and raised her eyebrows.“Well?”
“I really want to be mad at you right now, you know.”
“That happens when you know I’m right.”
“But I don’t,” I complained.“No matter which choice I make, it feels wrong.Telling myself that putting romance entirely on the backburner is the way to go ends up with me moping around and missing Ambrose.Dating Ambrose ends up with me trying to find my kid after he runs off from school because I wasn’t paying enough attention to how bad things were getting!”
“Bullshit.”
The living room had gone quiet.Mike’s too-cheerful suggestion of a movie definitely meant that we’d gotten too loud in the kitchen.After a handful of seconds, the sound ofThe Mandaloriandrifted through the house.Naomi leaned froward, lowering her voice when she said, “It’s fucking bullshit and you know it, Leo.You’re so smart, but so freaking obtuse sometimes.You’re looking for an excuse for this to fail.”
“No, it’s going to fail because I can’t be Edward’s dad and Ambrose’s… whatever we were trying to be at the same time.I justcan’t.”My eyes burned and my chest ached.I want to.So, so bad.I’m so tired of being alone, and Ambrose is the first man I’ve clicked with like this.Naomi reached out and covered my hand with hers where it rested atop the table.Her eyes were bright with unshed tears.“Hell, is now the time you tell me you can read my mind?”I demanded, voice thick.
She shook her head.“No, you giant dork.I know you.And it’s all on your face.All of that,” she said, gesturing between my chest and my face, “is just out there in the open.And I know you well enough to know what that face means.”She squeezed my hand again.“You’re screwing yourself over, Leo, and using being a dad as an excuse.It’s hard—so fucking hard—but you gotta let go of that bullshit your dad put in your head.Ambrose isn’t going anywherefor now, but he’s not going to wait forever.He deserves to be happy, too.And what you guys are stumbling toward might not be forever, but you won’t know till you get there.”
I sniffed, the sounds of Edward’s feet pelting across the wood floors dragging me up out of my wallow.“Have you been watching a lot of Hallmark movies or something?”I asked Naomi.
She rolled her eyes.“My office has a bunch of new inspirational posters up.I’ve internalized them.”
