Page 182 of Love Arranged
Iquit.
And honestly I’m sick of running. Sick of hiding. Sick of pretending that life will get better without me putting in the hard work to make it possible.
Trevor already stole my parents and my childhood from me, so am I going to allow him to take Lily and our future away too?
No. Not anymore.
I’m going to fight for her and us, one therapy session at a time, because Lily is worth it, but more importantly, so amI.
I considered canceling a few hours before my therapy session, but Doctor Martin has a zero-tolerance policy for no-shows within twenty-four hours, so I have no choice but to attend.
Doctor Martin, a middle-aged woman with a Jamaican accent and braids adorned with golden cuffs, spends the next hour getting to know me and the constant grating voice in my head rather than making headway.
Discussing my OCD diagnosis isn’t anything new. I’ve been to therapy before, but since I didn’t trust the psychologist who reported to my uncle, I always held back. I was cautious with my responses, never quite letting anyone peek behind the curtain of my mind.
Today is different because I force myself to answer honestly and openly, not wanting my own stubbornness to prevent me from making headway. I respond to all of Doctor Martin’s questions like a willing patient looking for answers to mylife’s biggest problems, and I’m rewarded with non-judgmental commentary in return.
I didn’t have high hopes when I began the session, but when the psychologist doesn’t even blink twice at me describing the tracking bracelet I bought Lily, she earns some of my respect.
“Are you able to share more about other compulsive tendencies you have?”
I go through the basics, including my concerns with safety, food prep, and contamination, before I dive into my Lily-based worries.
“Sounds like a lot to manage.” She scribbles something on her notepad.
“That’s why I’m here.”
“What made you want to take this step after…” She scans her notes. “Over twenty years feeling this way?”
“I need to figure out a way to manage my anxiety and process my past, both for myself and my girlfriend.”
Her eyes soften behind her glasses. “Lily, right?”
“Yes, but right now our relationship is a bit…complicated.”
“In what way?”
I explain my fake engagement because why not? Doctor Martin is paid to keep everything confidential, so the worst that can happen is her openly judging me for my choices.
“Surprisingly, you’re not the first client to share a story like this.”
I chuckle. “You seem to have quite the roster.”
She nods. “But each one is different, so tell me a bit more about your relationship withLily.”
“She’s…amazing. But I’m sure a lot of people tell you that about their…”
“Significant other?”
“Yes.” Although I was about to sayfiancée, because in my mind, I’m fully committed to Lily, regardless if she feels similarly.
I continue, “She is the one who encouraged me to go to therapy.”
“Seems like you trust her opinion.”
“I trust her with everything.” I sigh. “Although I can’t say she feels the same about me right now.”
“How so?”
