Page 10 of Perfect Matcha
Chapter Five
Theo madeit home in a daze after retrieving his laptop from Charlie. It was near the end of the workday anyway, and he wasn’t going to get any statistical analysis done knowing he had hundreds of dollars of high-quality sex toys waiting for him in his vehicle. His brain was a fog of horniness and disbelief.
He worked up the nerve to untie the bow on the gift basket and let the cellophane fall where it may. The labels on the toys jumped out like comic-book bubbles.
Vibrating Butt Plug!
Zip!
Dildo!
Pow!
Nipple Clamps!
Boom!
He turned on his heels and poured himself a shot from a bottle of tequila that had been in his pantry for eons. He wondered idly if tequila went bad, but as he grimaced through the taste, he decided he wouldn’t have been able to tell either way.
Once the burn of alcohol was in his system, he returned to the basket. Someone had taken great pains to arrange the toys in a pleasant array. It looked nice enough to be on Instagram, like those pictures of fancy charcuterie boards. Only it was sex toys, not meat and cheese.
His phone buzzed right as he was reaching for something named the Monster Me Ice Zombie Dildo. A text from Camden. He opened his messages to see one that read:Just have fun. Don’t think too hard about it.
As if.
Thinking hard about stuff was literally Theo’s strong suit. It was his modus operandi. To be honest, it was one of the reasons he had trouble calming down during sex. His brain whirred and whirred and whirred with insecurities and discomfort and exasperation until it was over. He assumed most people could shut off their internal monologues during sex. That their brains went fabulously blank from pleasure, and they didn’t worry about where to put their hands or if their breath smelled bad or whether the next-door neighbor would hear them when she took her shih tzu for a walk.
Another message from Camden came through.
Camden:Start with the Fleshstroker. It’s easy and intuitive. A great starter for a beginner.
Theo grabbed the Fleshstroker. The box was made from very sturdy, luxe cardboard, which Theo could appreciate. He loved a good box.
He read the information on the back panel before opening it. His lips were tingling and his hands shaking, which was silly. It was just a masturbation sleeve. It wasn’t going to bite him or anything. There weren’t teeth in there.
He pulled the toy out of a plastic covering and cleaned it according to the specifications in the instructions. It was shaped like a flashlight with a sparkly pattern meant to mimic a galaxy on the shell. The end, where the lightbulb would have been if it weren’t a sex toy, was navy blue and pillowy to the touch with a little hole in the middle. He dipped his finger in, and the material gave.
Okay. He could do this. It felt pleasant on his finger. He liked fucking. That was all this was. He’d fuck this interstellar flashlight thing, and it would be … swell.
He sat at the kitchen table and unbuckled his chinos.
No. Wait. He ate at the table. He couldn’t orgasm there. That would be mixed messaging. Or something.
Maybe the couch would be better. In a few short strides, he was in the living room. That was the benefit of living in an apartment—efficiency.
He plopped down on the couch and stared at the Fleshstroker.
Yep. It was time. Any minute now.
His body thought it was time. His dick was hard, and his blood was thrumming sweetly. He placed the Fleshstroker on the crown of his cock and tried to press down.
“Ow.” He yanked the toy away. It had pulled at the sensitive skin. “Lube. Duh.”
He held his pants up with one hand and waddled over to the kitchen table to dig through the gift basket. He found a bottle of lube specifically “formulated for anal sex.”
“Super.” His face flushed when he thought about Camden selecting that for him.
He didn’t want to get lube on the couch, of course, so he shuffled into his bedroom and sat on his bed, his back against the headboard.
