Page 19 of Candy Hearts
Benji nodded and closed his eyes, trying to shape the words in his head, his heart, into something that made sense. Into a sentence that wasn’t pathetic, emotional word vomit.
“I … I have a tendency to get involved with guys who aren’t very good for me. I’m a people pleaser, see.”
“Okay. Go on.” William slipped his fingers into Benji’s hair and massaged gently.
Benji kept his eyes closed. It was easier that way. To pretend as if he were speaking to his therapist. Or his sister. Or a wall. Not this nice-as-hell hottie.
“My parents weren’t around. I think that’s where my people-pleasing comes from.” Oh God, he was really spilling the beans. “That’s my theory, at least. I’m desperate to please the people in my life so they won’t up and fucking bail. If I can contort myself into exactly the right shape, whatever asshole I’ve attached myself to won’t leave me.” Oversharing alert. He took a big, gasping breath, on a roll now. “If I stop wearing my favorite clothes. If I put away my lingerie. If I pretend to like IPAs. If I delete my Instagram. If I pretend that I don’t mind being cheated on. If I—”
“Hey, whoa. It’s okay.” William gently cradled Benji’s face with both hands, and Benji realized he was trembling. “Deep breath.”
Benji nodded and kept talking. “I’m an easy mark, I think. For controlling dickheads.” Hehoped hoped hopedWilliam didn’t end up being a controlling dickhead. “I must have a bullseye on my forehead that says ‘pushover.’”
“I’m so sorry if I was too controlling.”
“No! Oh God, that’s not what I meant. That’s one of the problems. I enjoy giving up control in bed but not outside it. It’s outside of bed where it hurts, you know?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“I’ve been on a dating moratorium lately, besides some unwise booty calls with my ex. Loneliness is a hell of a drug. Makes me do all kinds of stupid shit.”
William kissed Benji’s forehead. William was a great listener, which meant Benji kept talking and talking and talking.
“I liked what we did earlier,” Benji said. That felt like a big admission.
“I did too.”
“I think I want to keep doing it.” That felt like an even bigger admission.
Silence stretched between them for long, embarrassing seconds. Benji had fucked this up. He was sure of it. But William was still touching him, and Benji wanted to be called “sweetheart” at least one more time.
Finally, William said, “I think this could benefit us both.”
“How?”
“It’s fun, for one. I haven’t had any fun in a very long time. We can focus on the fun and leave the heavy stuff at the door. No room for heavy when there’s no electricity. That’s a rule I just made up.”
“I like that rule.” Benji pressed his forehead to William’s throat.
“And I’ve been trying to jump back into the dating game, but I’ve lost my mojo.”
“No!” Benji said, shocked. “You have all the mojo.”
William gave him a smacking kiss on the cheek. “I think this fake valentines thing could help me be with someone without the pressure. Get me back in the game, so to speak. It will get us both back in the game. You can be with someone who absolutelydoes notwant you to change an iota. You’re beautiful and funny and you deserve to be appreciated. You can be wholly yourself. No masks. Just you. We can practice.”
“Sex practice?”
“Dating practice. But also, yes, let’s have lots of sex.”
It would feel good to simply be himself and to be completely honest. To not be lonely on Valentine’s Day.
“Fake valentines,” Benji whispered. “We can be totally loving and attentive to each other through this weekend. Really put our hearts into it.”
“For the weekend.”
“Yeah. I would be the best weekend valentine.”
“What about after?”
