Page 72 of Someone Else's Shoes
He isn’t sleeping and it makes him feel crazy. The dorm manager he liked, Big Mike, had an argument with the administrator and walked out. Now without him or Sasha he feels like there’s nobody here he can talk to. A new girl downstairs throws up secretly after every meal and the staff don’t know but the downstairs toilets always smell of vomit and he cannot believe like none of their noses even work. ‘Mom? When are you coming?’
Nisha closes her eyes and takes a breath. ‘Soon.’
‘But when? I don’t understand why you’re still in England.’
‘There’s something I have to talk to you about, baby. And I wish I could do it in person but it’s kind of difficult right now.’
He is silent then and she winces, filled with fear because of what she is about to unleash on him.
‘Um … well, Daddy and I … we’re … well, the truth is, we’re … Well, you know things have been a little tricky between us for a while and –’
‘Are you leaving him?’
Nisha swallows. ‘Kind of. Well, not exactly. He’s – he’s decided he will be happier with someone else and I – I’ve agreed that this is probably the best thing for both of us and,well, we’re just trying to work out how to do it in the way that will be easiest for you.’
He is silent again.
She puts a hand to her cheek, lowers her voice. ‘I’m so sorry, Ray. I really didn’t want you to have to deal with any of this. But it will all be okay. I promise. We’ll still be a family, just a different sort of family.’
He still doesn’t speak. She can just make out the sound of him breathing, so she knows he’s still there.
‘Ray? … Sweetheart? Are you okay?’
‘I don’t mind if he goes.’
‘… You don’t?’
A pause. ‘It’s not like he’s wanted to spend any time with me the last few years.’
‘Oh, he does. He really does, baby. He’s just been very busy.’
‘Mom, you and I both know that’s a lie. Honestly. My therapist has been talking to me about honesty and seeing things as they are. And if Dad wants to go that’s okay with me. His loss.’
There is a pause.
‘I actually spoke to him two days ago. I told him I wanted to come home, and he said, if that was the case, I shouldn’t have been so stupid and that I was … he said I was a liability. That I couldn’t be trusted.’
‘A “liability”?’
‘It’s fine. I told him to go fuck himself.’
There is a deadness to his voice that makes her stomach constrict. He has been so brave for years but she knows Carl’s rejection is a bruise that won’t heal. ‘Are you really okay, baby?’
A long silence.
‘Ray?’
‘I’ve not been doing so great.’
‘How not great?’
He doesn’t answer.
‘Okay. Give me a one to ten on how sad you feel.’ That was what the last psychiatrist advised, for when discussions of feelings were too difficult.
There is a short pause and then he says, ‘Like, an eight?’
Her stomach flips.
