Page 59 of Big Balls
I’d rather the story come out on my terms, under my timeline. I don’t want someone monetizing my child’s differences or making it out like she is somehow defective.
“And as to why you, it’s because you do a bunch of work with Autism Speaks, the National Autism Association, and the Autism Society of America.” I pause and wait for her to say something.
When she doesn’t say anything, I continue. “I knew you would understand Katy better than many other people might. I knew you would be kind to her and fair to me, and that’s the best I could possibly hope for.”
Alicia sits back in her chair and finally lets out a long sigh. “My son is autistic. He’s not nearly as high functioning as your daughter, but he’s mine and I love him. Now let’s finish this off before I get emotional, okay?”
I smile at her gently. “Whenever you’re ready. Unless you need me to get Katy.”
She shakes her head. “Let her play for a while. She probably used up all of her people time for the day.”
It’s so much easier when the person I’m talking to just gets it the way Alicia Cuthbert does. She’s at ease with Katy and her differences, just like Zoe was.
My mind slips to the West Coast for a moment, and I hope that she’s happy at her new place. All three of the schools I’d donated to in order to secure Zoe a job in this area have told me that she declined their offers.
I really messed everything about that situation up as thoroughly as possible. I’d made Zoe so unhappy that she left her entire family behind to give herself a new start. Her dad was probably going to show up at one of my games just to throw something at me.
“—about the Sinners charity poker night?” Alicia is asking.
I pause. I definitely should have been paying more attention, because I don’t know what she’s talking about at all.
“I’m sorry,” I say, “this is the first I’ve heard of it.”
Alicia Cuthbert folds her hands in her lap and pastes on a serene smile. “Interesting. Well let’s talk for a moment about autism and about being a single father.”
Okay, shots fired. I don’t know if she didn’t like my answer or if she could tell that my attention was elsewhere for a minute or two.
I take a deep breath and go back in for more tough interview questions.
“And how about dating? Is there someone special in your life besides your daughter?” Alicia asks gently, but I can still feel all of my tender parts showing when I answer her.
I swallowed hard and looked directly into the camera, willing Zoe to hear my words, even though they haven’t even been televised yet. “I asked my mom for advice recently, and she said that I didn’t need to be alone anymore. That Lisa would have wanted me to find love and happiness again. That I should allow myself to have adventures with someone special. To feel like a family again.”
“I never thought I would find love again after Lisa’s death. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, and I didn’t want to risk feeling that amount of pain ever again.”
I take a deep breath and continue. “But if it were the right person, someone special and kind-hearted who loved my daughter as much as I do, then I think it could be very easy to fall in love again.”
We finally wind down with Katy on my lap, and we take the last break of the day.
I think it went well, but I’m still really nervous and I can never tell with these things anyway.
Alicia Cuthbert gives me a tiny hug afterwards. “Thanks for not taking a swing at me, Big Balls. I know I asked you some rather personal questions, and I think people are going to love seeing you as you really are, instead of how you’ve been portrayed in the media all these years.
“As a violent, ill-tempered man who can’t control himself?” I smile sheepishly. “I know, and the thing is I did lose my temper that one time, but the guy deserved it.”
Alicia nods. “I know him, and you’re right. But don’t forget who tells the story that the public hears. It’s not you, but the people who talk about you when you’re not around who make your reputation.”
I thank her one last time and take Katy’s hand in mine as we head for the car. I stop to sign a couple of autographs outside the studio, then drive us back home to my empty house.
Except it isn’t empty. The lights are on inside, and I can hear music playing when I pull up.
I debate for a moment about who would be in my home without my knowledge, but then I see Tate’s car parked almost sideways in my driveway. I pull up behind him, and Katy and I head inside.
The guys already have the poker table set up, our stack of chips at each spot and a little shot glass next to a water bottle.
“Hey,” Jackson sings out. “The guest of honor is here.”
Tate and Sebastian poke their heads out of the kitchen, which smells like tamales. I guess I know what my cook left for dinner tonight.
