Page 46 of Big Balls
Ethan Alexander gives me a look that somehow combines being insulting with being insulted, all at the same time. Considering he’s not known for expressing himself well, it turns out he can really convey a lot of feeling with just his beautiful eyes.
“It’s not that. I mean all the going out and acting”—he pauses for a moment, and I watch him calculate his next word—“normal.”
I recoil. “Your daughterisnormal. She may not be a neurotypical kid, but she’s bright and funny and charming and sweet and one heck of an artist. You are lucky to have her in your life.”
He puts his hands up in a gesture of clear surrender. “I know I am. She’s my favorite person in the world, Zoe. But I can’t give her the help she needs.” His voice is resigned, tired, and has an air of finality about it that makes every hair on the back of my neck stand up at once.
I swallow hard, willing the nausea climbing up my throat to wait a moment or two longer, because I cannot, absolutely cannot, vomit on Ethan Alexander in my own family kitchen.
“What are you saying?” I can barely get the words out because I’m so afraid of what comes next.
He takes a deep breath, and then he tells me.
15
Ethan
We getto spend the week packing up the last of her suitcases. They’re her favorite color, a bright teal that’s meant to make this horrible thing that is honestly going to break my heart a little seem less unbearable and more like a fun vacation or an adventure.
Like the adventures she used to go on with Zoe, before I completely messed all of that up.
“But why can’t I stay here, Daddy?” Katy’s voice is heavy with tears, rough with days of crying. No matter how many times I have explained that the Orthwein Academy will have the very best people to help her all day, every day, she’s made it very clear that she doesn’t want to leave home.
“But I don’t have any friends there. I don’t want to go there by myself. I’ll be all alone.”
I remember my first time away from home and my family, when I was fifteen. I’d never seen so many people who were so different from me. I’d felt completely adrift, like I’d been given a rare chance at a complete do-over.
I wanted that for my daughter. I wanted her to be able to grow up and be her own person, instead of the daughter of a long dead mother and some has-been’s kid.
Katy is going to make some friends quickly. She’s a good kid, just too innocent in some ways.
“I have to do what’s best for you, Katydid. Right now, that means getting you the extra special care that you need to be at your best.” I almost choke on the next words, but manage to get them out somehow. “Because I may not always know what you need, but the teachers at Orthwein do. They’re so much better at this than me.”
And with that, I have to lean down to fiddle with her suitcase, so she can’t see the pain all over my face.
Because even though I know this is the best care for her that money can buy, it still feels like my heart is going to fall out of my throat.
What would Zoe do, if it were up to her? And how long will it be before I get to stop thinking about her all the time?
Katy cuddles up that night on my lap, in a way she hasn’t done in many years now. I run my hands through the wild tangles of her hair.
She leans into me. “You love me.”
“Of course I do. You’re my favorite person in the world.” I squish her up against me, waiting for her to squirm her way off of me.
“Then can you please bring Zoe back?” I pause, my muscles straining at the sad sound of her voice. She’s killing me, her words twisting a knife of guilt through me.
I try to think about how to answer her. There has to be a way to say it so she’ll understand.
She looks up at me with her big, pretty eyes. “Is it because of what you said? Is it because you hurt her feelings?”
I start to shake my head, but then I nod. “That’s part of it, yes.”
“Why didn’t you tell her you were sorry?” Katy cries, her jaw squared out and mutinous.
“I did, Katydid. Remember when Uncle Tate came over to stay with you the other day?”
She gets this dreamy look in her eyes, and I take a deep breath and hold it.
