Page 42 of Big Balls
I let my eyes slide from one to the other of the women who are currently wrecking my life. “Okay, I get it. Katy, you know I like Zoe, right?”
Katy nods, then shakes her head, then nods again.
Zoe breaks into giggles. “Exactly right, Super Spy.” Then she high-fives my kid. “Now go turn off the water for real. We can talk about it like grown-ups when you get back.”
Katy peers at me, her eyes narrowed and her lips pinched downward. Then she points two fingers at her eyes, then at me, then at her eyes again. Sheesh.
She heads toward the bathroom to turn off her decoy water, and I shake my head. “What is it going to be like in ten years?”
Zoe slides up next to me and gives me a one-armed hug. “We’ll figure it out, I promise.”
And at those words, the breath leaves my body. How can she be so certain about us, when I can’t even bring myself to act like an adult around my daughter?
Katy returns to the kitchen and sits down facing us. “Are we going to talk now or after cooking?” Her little voice is so serious that I know there’s no reasonable way to avoid having the conversation that she’s waiting for.
“Now,” I say, and sit down and deliberately take Zoe’s hand in mine.
Both of them gasp, and I make a face. “Stop it,” I chide them. “We’re holding hands, okay? See how nice it is?”
Zoe closes her mouth and then smiles. “It is nice,” she says, and we both shift our attention to Katy.
Katy sizes us up. “Daddy, do you have a crush on Auntie Zoe?”
I pretend to think it over, so Zoe pulls her hand free from mine and whacks me in the stomach. “Okay, okay! I do. I like Miss Zoe a lot, is that okay with you?”
Katy’s attention shifts to Zoe. “And does this mean you’ll make more of your mama’s pancake noodles for me?”
Zoe grins. “Of course I will. I told you they were delicious.”
Katy nods until her head looks like it might jiggle loose. “When do I get to meet your mama, Auntie Zoe?”
Zoe’s face goes still and quiet, and I know what she’s about to say because that’s exactly what my face does whenever the topic of Lisa comes up.
“Well, Super Spy, my mama is in heaven already, so you’ll have to wait a long, long time to meet her, okay?”
Katy pops off of her chair and flings her arms around Zoe. “My mama is in heaven, too. Maybe they can be best friends there.”
The words slip out of her mouth so easily, but they go off like little explosions inside my chest. Suddenly I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m actually going to choke on my feelings.
But Zoe, cool as ever, cuddles Katy back and tells her how much she would like that for their mamas. Then she leans over and kisses my little girl on the head.
I stand up and turn away from them. The picture they make there in the kitchen, commiserating over their lost mothers… I can’t stand watching it any longer because I can feel it all the way down to my bones.
Then Katy says quietly, “I wish I had a mama like you, Miss Zoe. You’d make the best mama ever, and I could even be the flower girl and wear a very beautiful dress at your very fancy wedding.”
Everyone stops moving, and I forget to breathe as my heart breaks into little tiny pieces. “Daddy, can we please make Miss Zoe my mama now?”
I spin toward them, my heart throbbing with pain at every single word that still hangs in the air between us.
“Katy, that’s enough,” I bark out, and they both stare at me like I’ve lost my mind.
I have though. I definitely have.
We’ve been playing house, and all along, I let things get too close to real between us. The game has gone on too long, and if there’s one thing that I know, it’s when to call it done.
“Here’s the thing.” My voice is stern and rings with the decisiveness that I’ve earned during the last four years of our lives. “I am never going to get married again. I loved your mama, Katy. And I could never do that to her.”
I can see each one of my words landing like a blow across Zoe’s happiness. She flinches and recoils from the finality of my words, but I can’t scoop them back into my mouth and pretend any longer, so I let it all out.
