Page 102 of Games We Play
Sloan glanced at the woman sitting across from her. Leah had said in front of everyone that she loved the woman Aaron was so quick to dismiss. Sloan couldn’t overlook that for all the money Aaron could possibly promise. “You were amazing today. I knew you had that much confidence in you.”
Leah’s arms stiffened against the table. “It wasn’t really confidence. I… reacted. He made me so angry.”
“It was confidence, trust me.” Sloan laughed. “I’ve got enough of it to recognize it in other people. Aaron had confidence too, but his ego took a huge blow.” That laugh turned into a pitiful chuckle. “Sometimes I wonder if it was the confidence that roped me in… or the ego.”
“Must have been the ego. Because you said that I have confidence, but nothing about an ego.”
“You’re the least egotistical person I’ve ever met. It’s refreshing.”
“Sometimes I don’t think it’s refreshing. Well, maybe for you.” Leah continued to stare at a knot in the wood. Occasionally, her finger pushed into the little hole. Did she know she did that? Or was she so lost in her own thoughts that it was impossible to control her actions? “For me, though, I think I’ve been held back. When I had a baby at such a young age, the adventurous part of me completely shut down. Between my mother and… well, society, I guess, I decided to take as few risks as possible. I didn’t go away to college because I was afraid of what might happen there. I don’t knowwhatwould have happened, but I was in too deep by then.”
“Yet the moment you turned thirty, you met me by chance?” Sloan pretended to be more interested in the dirt beneath her nails. “The universe was telling you to start living life again. Maybe it was telling me the same thing. Before I met you, I was in such a rut that I was left with no friends, no family, and only the reputation of being the biggest bitch.”
“Sounds like your husband played a huge part in the friends thing.”
“He did. After we broke up, I realized that my friends werehisfriends. They would never side with me. Realizing that doesn’t make you think rationally. Your first reaction is to cut off everyone around you, because you can’t trust anyone.”I had female friends who turned their backs on me as soon as I broke up with Aaron and attempted to reclaim who I used to be.They had been women like her during her relationship: submissive, deferential, and malleable. They held the same opinions as their husbands, and only associated with women who mimicked their mannerisms, both in and out of the bedroom. They had been great friends to have during that period of Sloan’s life, but the fairweatherness proved she was ready to move on.
Too bad it took years for her tomove on.
“For what it’s worth,” Leah said, “I think all that crap about you being a huge cunt or a bitch or whatever is just that. It’s crap. That’s not the real you at all.”
Sloan managed a weak smile. “It kinda is, though. I don’t sugarcoat my personality. I’ve always been a pain in the ass. I’ve been estranged from my parents ever since I graduated high school, and it’s because we simply do not get along.” Sloan sent the occasional updates back home to suburban Chicago, but they held no emotion, and she had no emotion for the updates her mother occasionally sent back. They appreciated what her money had afforded them over the years, and that was it. Sloan didn’t mind paying for her parents’ future nursing homes if it meant they were off her ass. After all, they had no problem paying for the first twenty-five years of her life. It only made sense to pay them back. “I thought it would protect me more, though, you know? Yet I still fell into the same trap so many other women do.”
“We all fall into traps. They’re unavoidable.” Leah’s hands wrung together. “Look at me. I got the biggest one out of my way when I was barely in middle school. Now what do I do? The biggest adventure of my adult life has been… um…”
“Going out with me?” Sloan originally intended to be sultrier with her response.“Fucking me. Bedding me. Having sex with me.”In that order. She arrived at “going out” because now was not the time to tease Leah.
Leah blushed. “Yeah. That.”
“To be fair, it’s been an adventure for me as well. I probably wouldn’t have finally kicked Aaron out of my life if it weren’t for meeting you.”
“Really?”
Sloan nodded. “I’d been wanting a divorce for years, but never got around to it. Why would I? Wasn’t like I wanted to marry someone else instead. I made a lot of money with Aaron. The less the boat was rocked, the better.”
“So how did I change your mind? Was it because of what happened when I found out?”
“No.” Sloan’s sigh deepened. “I was already making contacts and preparing events like this morning before you found out about my marriage. What changed was I realized it might be possible for me to have a viable relationship with someone new. What was I doing remaining married to a man I despised? I’m almost forty, for fuck’s sake! I needed to get the hell out. So, with or without you by my side, that’s what I decided to do.”
Leah remained removed from Sloan’s personal space. “Would you prefer to have me at your side?”
“I told you. I don’t grovel. Comes with the territory of being a snotty ass.”
“It’s not groveling if you tell me how you feel.”
Right. Feelings. Sloan had been cutting hers off for so long that she forgot what it was like to live them from moment to moment. “I feel… weird, honestly.”
“Weirder than me?”
“I don’t know how else to describe it. As much as I hate to admit it, Aaron changed me.” The most frustrating thing? She couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened. She knew what triggered the changes, but they happened so slowly that it was like mistaking aging in the mirror for bad hair days. “I used to be effortlessly confident. I could go up against a man like him and either leave him frothing at the mouth because he knew he was wrong, or at least so far in my distant past that I never had to deal with him again. Nor did I ever think of men like that again! Now, though… I had to force it. I knew how to act confident. I remembered what it was like tobeconfident. I emulated it. What I once knew so innately is now nothing but a memory. I keep convincing myself that I’ll be like I once was one day.” She caught Leah’s eyes the next time they wandered in her direction. “You were right, you know. I was using you. I’ve used every woman I’ve been with since breaking up with my husband. Because I can’t go back like I want. I have to start all over again. I have to become someone else, and I don’t know how.”
Leah shivered. Before Sloan could offer her a jacket, however, she said, “We’re both using each other.”
“Huh?”
“I was using you too. Just because I grew feelings for you doesn’t mean I wasn’t also using you. I wanted a girlfriend who would take control of everything for me. I wanted to feel like I was the center of the universe. You offered that fantasy. For a night here and there, I could pretend to be someone who didn’t have to take responsibility all the time. I couldlet go.That meant I trusted you. I was angry because you broke my trust.”
“Well, shit,” Sloan said with a huff. “I still feel terrible. You didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of my frustrations.”
