Page 12 of Empowered
“When will you be home tomorrow?” Nigel asked, cutting into their mutual silence.
“Hopefully around four.”
“Ah.” He went back to being quiet.
Sarah was happy to have the silence. Simply knowing that her brother was on the other line, ready to talk to her whenever she was ready, was enough to alleviate the bad thoughts coming up in the back of her mind.
Then he spoke.
“I… I hope he’s taking good care of you, sis.” Nigel cleared his throat. “I’ll talk to you later.Ja yeop.”
He hung up after saying one of their made-up words for farewell, a phrase that had existed as long asja lub ke.They hadn’t said “I love you” since the night Sarah found out the truth about her miscarriage.
But that wasn’t what shocked her the most. Rather, she was surprised to discover that her brother thought she was seeing the same man every time she went to New York.Perhaps it’s not so farfetched.She turned off her phone and placed it face down on the table.He must know I’m up to something like that.Part of the danger of their relationship was how easily they communicated their thoughts and feelings without ever using words.He knows I’m up to something sexual.It was almost quaint that Nigel assumed she was seeing the same man.
Did he think the man was a sugar daddy? Or a real boyfriend she was testing out before going public with him? How deeply did he think about it?
Sarah picked up the TV remote and changed the channel. One of the cable shows was nothing but the usual tits and ass.
Fuck.She didn’t want to be reminded of sex so quickly. While her body was more than satisfied after her quick hookup with Lucas, the rest of her pined for another round, for more attention, for a clarification on what he meant by“So that’s your game.”
Ahaha. Like she needed clarification. The man thought she was trying to get knocked up by a rich baby daddy.
So what if she was?
Sarah leaned back in her chair and folded her hands over her stomach. She had barely known she was pregnant – had barelyacceptedshe was pregnant – when it was over with one of the worst pains of her life. Only later did she find out she woke up like that because Russell had drugged her and bade his bodyguard to beat her bruised and a little bloody. The miscarriage was intentional. Leaving her potentially infertile was another nice big fuck you to her agency and bodily autonomy.
Part of her spiral into self-destructive habits was intentionally leaving herself open to an “accidental” pregnancy. Her doctor had told her the odds were so slim she should never get her hopes up. But what if? What if she could take control of that part of herself again? What if she could have that normal life that was ripped from her in such a heinously violent way?
She didn’t care about the father. He was a pawn in her search for control. A fun fling to enjoy on her road to recovery. If Lucas got her pregnant, Sarah would be content with never seeing or hearing from him again. She didn’t want his money.
What she wanted was to be empowered, and she didn’t care what toxic hell she swam through to get there.
Those bastards took it away from me.She stumbled away from the table and collapsed on the bed, hand still on her stomach.They took away my choices. They stole my right to decide what I wanted.
They fucked upme.
Sarah prided herself on how easily she controlled her emotions. It was one of the reasons the Monroes paid her so handsomely: always obedient, helpful, and devoid of reactions to whatever they got up to. Still, she knew how unhealthy it was to bottle up her negativity, her trauma, her screams into the void that made her human.
So every weekend in her final pursuit to purge herself of what made her human, she allowed herself to cry. To howl. To sob. To scream into her pillow that she was worthy of love and respect.
Nobody knew about these outbursts. Nobody except God.
And as soon as she cried it out? Back to the Sarah everyone knew and appreciated. Quiet, docile Sarah.
She hoped Lucas never thought of her again. It was best if nobody remembered Sarah Clayborn and her problems she didn’t ask anyone to care about.
