Page 41 of Crash
Austin
To say the vibe is off would be an understatement. Last night, I woke to her in our usual sleeping position, but oddly I felt too hot. So, I ended up on the couch. Didn’t get much sleep, however. Her words and actions of the previous night haunted me until I finally said fuck it and got up. I went for a run earlier and when I returned, I could hear her in the shower. I’m inclined to make sure she’s okay, but not sure if she would welcome that gesture. Instead, I grab a bowl and my cereal and fix myself breakfast. The water shuts off and I know she’ll be out here soon. But what do I say? Do I say anything? I really don’t know where we stand at this moment. The cold milk dribbles down my chin and I wipe it away as I prepare to take another bite.
She enters the room and the smell of her body wash fragrance entices me. I ignore the pleas it draws from my libido and continue with my food.
“Hey,” her soft voice announces.
I choose to ignore her, still feeling the burn from last night.
She takes a dish from the cabinet and I can tell she will also partake in the same choice of morning fuel. She pulls the chair across from away from the table and takes a seat, clearing her throat. “Good morning,” she announces.
I’m not one to just move along as if nothing happened or needs discussion. And I wasn’t in the wrong. Instead of risking an already tense situation exploding, I get up and go finish my cereal in the living room.
Tessa hobbles in behind me. “Austin, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Her voice is elevated slightly with a bit of annoyance in her tone.
“Tessa, I can’t act like last night didn’t happen. You get in bed and lay on me like everything’s okay. But it’s not. You didn’t even attempt to talk to me,” my voice is stern and loud.
“I wanted to last night, but you went to bed.”
“And you felt that all was right between us, so you just fell into routine?”
“I figured we would talk this morning, but just have the night to ourselves to relax. What did you want me to do?”
“Wake me up. Be the strong woman you are and take initiative like you always do.”
“Why the fuck do I have to be the one to make the first move, Austin? You could’ve just woke me up instead of dipping out of the bed and onto the couch.”
“How did you know I slept out here?”
“I woke up when you weren’t there. I came out here and saw you.”
“And you still said nothing?”
“I wasn’t sure if that’s what you wanted.”
“Just like I’m not sure what you want anymore.”
We take a beat looking at each other.
Tears flow from her eyes and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was getting choked up. How I want to just wrap her in my arms and hold her, kissing all her doubts away, but I can’t.
She takes a seat on the couch, and I continue to stand.
She looks up to me with those water filled brown eyes. “What do you think we should do, then?”
I breathe deep and exhale a few times. Mentally wrestling with the thoughts of what’s the best thing to do. “Tessa, maybe we came together too soon without thinking about the consequences. We both have busy lives and maybe that’s too much to sustain a relationship.”
“Austin, what are you saying?”
“I think we need to take a break and figure out if we are what we want.”
She breaks down in tears at the news, but I know this is what’s best for us.
I retreat to the kitchen and rinse out my bowl ahead of going to the shower. During my run earlier, I figured the best way for me to deal with this is to jump back into work, feet first. I have a meeting with my superior today to get me active in the system and to catch up on any procedure changes. I jump in the shower for a quick cleanse before dressing and heading to the job. When I exit the bathroom, she’s sitting on the edge of the bed getting dressed, efficiently and without my help. A strong sign she is okay with the decision.
She’s always been a resilient person, even when faced with a burdensome task. This reaction should not come as a surprise to me, but it does.
I thought she would fight for us more or even apologize. Am I wrong? I go to speak to her, but she interrupts.
