Page 65 of His Perfect Bride
Twenty-Two
Her heart hurt too much to shed a single tear. In fact, she hadn’t cried once during the long, sleepless night.
Now at dawn, as she knelt in front of the tent door and began to lift the flap, she hesitated.
She didn’t want to see Jackson or talk to him this morning. All she wanted to do was search for Augusta, find her, and then ride back to Victoria together in the comfort of each other’s presence.
That’s why she’d come on this journey in the first place, so that she could locate Augusta, rescue her, and continue being her lady’s maid. She hadn’t come to draw closer to Jackson and practically throw herself at him and make declarations of love.
With a low groan, she buried her face in her hands, feeling the mortification once again, just as she had last night after she’d spoken the words. Oh why had she done it? Why had she told him how she felt?
She’d been foolish, too forthright, too naïve.
Apparently over the past days of traveling with Jackson, she’d lulled herself into believing he cared about her just as much as she did him. She’d felt his attraction, she’d basked under his attention, and she’d even felt a deep connection with him unlike any she’d had with past men.
But she’d obviously been wrong about him, just like she’d been wrong about David. Why had she been so mistaken? She’d spent the night making mental lists of all the possibilities, of all her flaws, of all the explanations why neither man had been right for her.
She’d come up with every plausible reason to add to each list. She would hang on to them tightly and remind herself of those lists every time she started to think about having more with Jackson and every time she contemplated changing her mind about becoming a spinster.
She’d been right about the need to remain single. That was the better path for her after all. She’d just allowed her head to get turned, to think more highly of herself than she ought, and to let hope for a future take up residence inside her.
She’d risked everything on loving Jackson, and she’d lost him anyway.
“I learned my lesson,” she whispered. “I learned it well.”
Even as the words settled over her, so did the pain—a pain so deep her heart felt as though it had been wrenched from her chest, which wasn’t possible since it had already been ripped out the moment Jackson had left her alone in the tent last night.
The pain pulsed through her veins and to her limbs, and for a moment she couldn’t move or breathe with the force of it.
It was worse than what she’d felt when David had left her. Then she’d cried and silently railed against him, mainly because she’d been feeling sorry for herself and all that she’d lost. And because she’d been embarrassed about having to tell everyone about her cancelled engagement and David finding someone else.
In the end, she hadn’t really missed David. She’d missed the idea of the perfect life she’d planned for herself.
This time, she hadn’t planned to have a happy life, she hadn’t planned on falling in love, and she hadn’t planned to even tell Jackson her feelings last night. But somehow it had all happened anyway.
She supposed it had slipped out because she’d sensed he was hurting and needed someone by his side as he faced his past. She’d wanted to be that person for him, had wanted him to know she cared.
But she’d said too much. She could have assured him she cared but then stopped there.
With a sigh, she lifted the tent flap. Even though his rejection hurt terribly, it was better that it had happened now before she allowed herself to care about him even more.
As she ducked outside into the early morning, the fire was low and smoky with the heavy scent of fried fish in the air. The sun hadn’t yet risen over the eastern edge of the river valley, but the sky was light and cloudless, promising a beautiful autumn day ahead.
Pastor Abe was sitting on a log beside the fire, a plate balanced on his lap and a mug of coffee steaming in one hand.
At the sight of her, he offered a guarded smile, as if he didn’t quite know what to make of the fact that Jackson had spent the night outside of the tent instead of inside with her. “Good morning, Mrs. Lennox. I hope you slept well.”
Mrs. Lennox. Should she correct him and tell him the truth about her fake marriage with Jackson? She tried to smile back and prayed it didn’t look like a grimace. “Good morning.”
She glanced around for Jackson, hating that she wanted to see him even though she’d resolved to put him out of her mind. Thankfully, he wasn’t present, which gave her a few more moments to compose herself before interacting with him today.
From the barrenness of the campsite, the others in their party had already packed up and left, as had most of the other groups. Only a few men remained, and they were in the process of folding up their items and strapping them to their horses.
Soon, she and Jackson would be left alone. Yesterday she would have been thrilled at the prospect of countless hours with him—talking, hiking, and continuing to put their minds together to find Augusta. But today…she dreaded having to pretend she wasn’t hurting when every part of her body ached.
“He’s over there.” Pastor Abe nodded upriver in the direction of the bridge debris.
She followed his gaze to find Jackson attired in his suit and hat and looking as gentlemanly and handsome as always even though he’d slept in his clothes and still hadn’t shaved. He was standing in a rocky section of the riverbank in front of a heap of stone and wood. His hands were stuffed deep into his pockets, and his shoulders were slumped.
