Page 57 of Calling on the Matchmaker
Everyone had told her Ava’s death had been just an accident, that the curious baby could have taken a tumble down the steps even if Mam had been the one watching her. But Finola knew better. Mam wouldn’t have turned her back on the baby. Mam would have noticed Ava crawling out of the room sooner. Mam would have reached her in time.
Finola shook her head, sliding away from Riley’s gentle touch and slipping her hand from his. “I’ll always hold myselfresponsible for her death. I’ll never forget about it and never forgive myself.”
“Finola, sweet love.” His voice was soft, beckoning, even pleading.
She stared down at her lap, couldn’t afford to see anything in his eyes that might dissuade her from doing what she needed to. With a deep breath, she pushed onward with the words that would cut him out of her life. “I always knew I wanted to go into service, become a Sister of Charity. But after Ava died, I vowed that I would.”
Silence settled between them, and it was only then that she realized they’d already reached her home, and the gig was now parked in front. The windows were all dark, which was unusual for a winter night. The traffic, too, seemed lighter, as if the world knew the seriousness of the conversation she was having with Riley and had decided to give them privacy.
After a moment, he finally spoke. “I take it your parents don’t approve of your vow and your decision to become a nun?”
“They don’t know about my vow. And even if they did, they’ve never believed I should give myself over to the church.”
“Of course. Why else would they have pushed twelve—now thirteen—suitors on you if they supported your vow.” This time his voice held a note of bitterness, even defeat.
“I wanted them to conclude for themselves that I wasn’t suited for marriage and children.”
“And if I walk away, you finally have the chance to show them.”
“Aye.” She’d been more honest with Riley than she had been with anyone else. Her plan to drive him away was working. Why, then, was misery poking at her heart?
He was silent, this time for long minutes. The noises of the evening sifted around them—the distant call of a newsboy, the blast of a late-arriving steamship, the clanking of a carriage passing on a cross street.
She chanced a peek his way to see that his brow was furrowed above troubled eyes. The muscles in his jaw were rigid. His grip on the reins was tight.
“Please say something,” she whispered, unable to keep the despair from her voice.
He stared straight ahead. “After meeting me, after what we’ve shared, can you honestly tell me you still want to become a nun?”
Could she? She couldn’t deny how much she cared about Riley. Their feelings had formed so quickly. The intensity of their connection had taken her by surprise. And her attraction to him was embarrassingly strong.
But she’d put all her energy into keeping men at arm’s length for so long that she didn’t know any other way. Even if the breakup hurt Riley in the short term, he’d soon get over her. The matchmaker could find him another woman, one who wasn’t riddled with ghosts of past mistakes.
Besides, Riley deserved a woman who would love every aspect of him, even the part that was reckless and dangerous. He needed a woman who wouldn’t cringe in fear of death every time he made one of his rescues but would instead encourage him to be the hero he was born to be.
And the biggest reason of all? Riley should have a woman who would be willing to give him a family of his own. “I don’t want to have any babies, Riley. After what happened, I wouldn’t be a good mother—”
“That’s not true.”
“I’d never be able to let my child out of my sight and would worry constantly—”
“Sometimes tragedies happen, but they don’t have to determine the course of our lives.” Even as he spoke, his words lacked the conviction and passion of a man who believed what he was saying.
She’d already learned over recent years that the only wayto find peace was by making reparation for her sin. Service. Prayer. Solitude. And now, in denying herself this relationship with Riley, maybe God would know that she was truly sorry. Maybe one day Ava would know it and forgive her from heaven.
Riley lapsed into a silence so heavy and thick, it weighed upon her, crushing her, until she could hardly breathe. Finally, he lowered his head. “I’m tempted to pressure you to change your mind. I want to argue with you and force you to see reason.”
Like he’d done with Helen. Even though he didn’t say the words, they lingered in the air between them anyway.
“But I won’t do it.”
Her throat tightened. Should she tell him to fight for her? That she needed his rescuing, but this time from herself?
She bit her lip to keep from speaking. She couldn’t offer him any hope when she had none.
“So this is it?” His voice was raw with anguish. “We agree to part ways?”
She nodded.
