Page 37 of Always
My body ached all over. While I’d endured much discomfort in the days of traveling, I sensed this was different, and I didn’t complain when Lance insisted I ride the mule through the night.
Even though I tried to stay awake, exhaustion overtook me so that I slept in fits. During moments of wakefulness, my thoughts returned to the queen and the days I’d spent with her. She’d demonstrated such grace and kindness and peace in the way she lived. I prayed I would be able to model her attributes and train Emmeline in everything she would need to know as a princess.
Raising a princess was a monumental task. Maybe Lance was right. Maybe we needed to focus all our energy and attention on Emmeline. After all, she was our priority.
The queen’s words of wisdom drifted through my consciousness:Oft times we cannot change the entire direction of a route already set in motion. But we can do our small part to shift the path one degree at a time.
With the darkness of the forest growing ever thicker and blacker, I bent and kissed Emmeline’s head. Content in the sling, Emmeline nestled against me, which filled me with a new sense of peace.
I might not be able to oust King Ethelwulf and change the entire direction of the rule he’d set in motion, but I could do my small part to take care of Emmeline. By pouring my life into her, maybe one day my dedication and efforts would lead her to do something greater. I could only pray so.
Whatever the case, God had given me this role as Emmeline’s caregiver. I would embrace the task and do my best to shape the princess into the kind of young woman the queen would have wanted.
In the meantime, I needed to relinquish my desire for Lance’s love. I had to accept that he, too, was fulfilling his God-given role in taking care of Emmeline. Without her, we’d have no reason to be married. He certainly wouldn’t have met me or spoken with me or spent time with me.
Emmeline was the only thing keeping us together. I couldn’t let myself forget that.
Chapter
15
Lance
We traveled allevening and night, stopping only when necessary. My injured leg ached, but I refused to allow it to impede our flight into Inglewood Forest as far away from the woodcutters and the rest of civilization as we could go.
Sister Katherine had sketched a map of the deserted charcoal burner’s cottage. I’d committed the route to memory but hadn’t anticipated the path would be so overgrown and difficult to traverse. What should have taken only another day dragged much longer.
After the encounter with the woodcutters, I was more anxious than before to find our secluded home where we would have little chance of running into anyone. While Felicia’s intervention might have worked this time, I didn’t have faith that our charade would have the same results the next time we met someone. Too many others would also suspect I was a former king’s guard. Upon closer examination, they’d also discover Felicia was no peasant woman.
We would have to remain anonymous and secluded for as long as we could. Perhaps for years. Thankfully, I’d been trained to survive under the most rudimentary of circumstances. But life would be harsher than I’d anticipated, and with each step deeper into the untamed forest, I regretted I’d agreed to bring Felicia into such an existence.
We said little to each other as we traveled. I told myself I needed to stay focused on the trail and prevent us from getting lost. Felicia, too, was quieter than usual, her attention fixed upon Emmeline. Although she regarded me with kindness and respect, I could sense a new reserve that hadn’t been there before. It was for the best, I tried to tell myself, as was the hurt I’d caused her the day we’d kissed. Even if I hated that I’d brought her pain, it had served to rebuild the boundaries between us.
I love you. Felicia’s words came back unbidden all too often, as did the memory of our kisses. But each time I reminded myself of the danger in feeling things for her. My commanders had been right when they’d said such emotions made soldiers weak. That’s what had happened when I’d allowed myself to kiss Felicia and luxuriate in her nearness. I’d dozed and put her and Emmeline at great risk. The children playing nearby could have discovered us. Moreover, we most certainly would have been hidden before meeting the woodcutters. Even now, I feared the men had figured out my true identity and alerted Ethelwulf.
Aye, we’d all be better off if I put all thoughts of loving Felicia from my mind and if she did likewise.
By mid-morning of our second day of pushing deeper into the forestland, I finally found the steep ravine Sister Katherine had mentioned. The rocks lengthened in both directions and seemed impassable. I had to examine every crevice before I found the cavern hidden behind hanging ivy. Following the nun’s careful instructions, we made our way through the cave and its narrow passageway, which eventually led uphill and opened onto the opposite side of the gorge.
I realized then that the rocky area would serve as a natural barrier for anyone who might search for us. At the very least, it would shield us from most wanderers and keep us secluded.
After several more hours, we stumbled upon an overgrown clearing. At the sight of an abandoned—though severely dilapidated—cottage I nearly fell to my knees in relief. It was concealed by blackthorn and covered by ivy so that it blended in with the woodland, making it the perfect hiding place.
“We’re here.” I led the mule and goat past a well that appeared to contain water.
Felicia’s shoulders were slumped and her head bent, and she’d tied herself to the pommel to keep from slipping off. With one arm cradling Emmeline in the sling and the other tangled in the mule’s mane, she slowly lifted her head. She blinked but couldn’t seem to focus. Her head drooped again, and this time she started to slide sideways off the mule. The rope around her arm caught her and dug into her sleeve, keeping her astride.
Something wasn’t right, and my pulse began to knock a dreadful beat. I rushed to her side, and the moment I touched her, I realized she was burning up with fever.
I worked frantically day and night in my attempts to save Felicia, but she remained feverish. My only guess was that she’d eaten or drunk something her delicate body hadn’t been able to handle. I’d seen roughened soldiers waste away under the same conditions, nothing to be done for them except pray.
I rebuked myself for not having noticed Felicia’s malady sooner, but I’d been so focused on trying to get us out of harm’s way that I’d once again neglected her well-being, not that I could have done much to prevent the illness from spreading into her body. At least I could have made her more comfortable.
Thankfully, the cottage provided basic accommodations. Although the structure needed many repairs, Sister Katherine had been correct in saying it was well built and sturdy. The upper level was a dormer loft filled with nothing more than cobwebs and raccoon nests, as well as an abandoned loom.
The main floor consisted of two rooms—a bed chamber and a larger living area with a spacious hearth, trestle table with benches, several rickety stools, and a cabinet that was falling apart but that I would easily be able to fix.
With the chinking between the stones crumbling away, the interior wall gave up its secret too easily, and I discovered a hidden cupboard. After cutting open the lock, I’d been surprised to find a wealth of books and scrolls. Except for yellowing and brittle pages, they’d withstood the passing of time and would hopefully keep us company in the days and years to come.
