Page 61 of Snowflakes Over Starr's Fall
Jack handed her a whiskey before sitting down with his own. “I appreciate I shouldn’t have led with that,” he said quietly. “I’ve been turning it over in my mind since Will offered me the opportunity last week. I told him I’d do it, and I was figuring out a way to make it all work. The job. Living here, at least part-time. Us.” He took a long swallow of whiskey, but Jenna didn’t think she could manage a mouthful, and so she just cradled the glass between her hands.
“And so, based on what you told me, you decided to go ahead?” she filled in when Jack didn’t seem inclined to say anything more.
“I wanted to,” Jack agreed. “I’vemissedthat life, Jenna. I’ve missed who I was—someone important and yes, a big deal.” He grimaced and Jenna winced. She had, she knew, said some very hurtful things, and she was sorry for them. “I was good at what I did,” he continued quietly. “I enjoyed it. I liked having that kind of purpose, and you know what? You’re right, helping out with a store thatisn’t even your owndoesn’t compare.”
Ouch. “I’m sorry,” Jenna whispered. “I shouldn’t have said all that.”
“But it’s true, isn’t it? I was distracting myself. Because I am only forty-two and I’m not ready for hobbies being the rest of my life, not even worthy ones. I want to do more. Be more. And I was wrestling with all of that over the last week.”
Jenna stared down into the amber depths of her whiskey. “I wish you’d told me,” she whispered.
“Would you have understood?” Jack challenged her, his voice gentle. “Or would it have sent you into a panic?”
“You mean like it did?” She looked up, trying for a smile even though everything felt wobbly, her lips included. “I’m sorry, Jack. I overreacted and I—I said some hurtful things. I wasn’t even thinking, just… just reacting.” She looked back down, afraid to see the expression on his face. “I shouldn’t have said them.”
He was silent for a long moment, forcing her to look up again. When she did, she saw he only looked sad, and that scared her. Had she ruined everything by freaking out the way she had? What an awful thought, thatshe’dbeen the architect of their relationship’s demise, simply because she’d been so scared.
“I’m sorry too,” he said at last, and Jenna’s stomach contracted at the tone of his voice. He sounded sofinal.
“Please don’t tell me,” she whispered, her voice catching, “that my freaking out like that has ruined everything.”
For a second, as he stared at her, she could barely breathe. Then he cocked his head and said thoughtfully, “I wouldn’t say it ruinedeverything.”
Was he joking? She felt too fragile to be able to tell. “Umm…” was all she could manage.
“Maybe I should start over,” Jack said. “And if you can listen to the end, that would be great.” He smiled to take any sting from the words, but Jenna still cringed in guilt.
“I feel like the word ‘shrew’ is coming to mind…” she murmured.
“Never,” Jack told her. He reached over to clasp her hand with his, and his touch was warm and dry and intensely reassuring. “Jenna, I’m sorry I started like that. I do realize that it would have brought back some very unpleasant memories. But what I was trying to explain was… I was offered a job, I wanted to take it, and that’s a part of who I am. And I’m very glad you care about me a lot, and that I care about you a lot, which is what I should have led with, definitely.” He released a pent-up breath. “I’ve spent the last week trying to figure out how this can work. Howwecan work.”
“You mean if you take this job in New York?” Jenna asked in a small voice. It didn’t have to be a deal breaker, but it was kind of a big thing. A very big thing. If Jack moved back to New York to work eighty-hour weeks, well… what kind of relationship could they possibly have?
“No,” Jack said, surprising her. “I’mnottaking the job in New York. That’s what I was going to try to explain. I said I would, and then I backed out, because I realized I couldn’t go back into the world, not in that way, as much as part of me wanted to. Really wanted to. But I did mean it when I told you before that I didn’t want to be that kind of person again. I know myself, and I can’t go back into that world without letting it consume me. But… I want some part of that old life, that old me, back. And I just don’t know what that will look like, or if that’s something you’d want.” He gave a little shrug. “Maybe you care a lot about the Jack who potters around his house and has all the time in the world, and not so much the guy who loves working hard and closing a deal. And yes, drives a Porsche and wears a Rolex. That’s part of me, too.”
“I care about all of you, Jack,” Jenna replied, her voice turning fierce in her certainty. She wished they’d both handled that conversation differently, instead of reacting out of their fear and insecurity, but they could have a re-do now… she hoped. “Not just the parts I like better, or you like better, or anything like that,” she continued. “Laurie said something to me awhile back about how we have to love the worst as well as the best parts of somebody. And I’m not saying the Wall Street version of you is the worst, but it is part of who you are, and I accept that part along with every other…” She managed a smile. “If you can accept the crazy banshee part of me along with every other.”
Jack squeezed her hand. “Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about the worst and best parts. And as far as you are concerned, I think I can. But as for what it looks like…”
“Maybe we can figure that out as we go along.” She took a deep breath and decided that this was the moment for the total honesty she should have given him before. “I shouldn’t have told you I care about you before, Jack.” He looked startled, and she hastened to clarify. “What I should have said is that I—I love you. I’mfallingin love with you, if that sounds less scary. But the point is, I’m committed. Iwantto be committed. Whatever that looks like going ahead… for both of us.”
Jack was still holding her hand, and gently he twined his fingers through hers, which seemed like a good sign. “Not that it’s a competition, of course, but I kind of wanted to tell you that first.”
She raised her eyebrows, her heart feeling as if it were soaring upwards, as light as a balloon. Her toes were barely touching the floor. “Tell me what?” she asked.
“That I love you,” he told her, his voice a warm thrum, “crazy banshee and all. Nofallingabout it.”
Jenna let out a trembling laugh. “You definitely should have led with that.”
He laughed as he leaned toward her for a kiss that felt full of promise. “Yeah, I should have.”
They shared a lingering kiss that went a long way to making Jenna feel a whole lot better. But as they eased back, smiling at each other, the question remained.
“So,” Jenna said, just as she had the first time he’d kissed her.
“So,” he repeated, smiling a little.
“What now?” She had to ask, even though she was pretty sure Jack didn’t know the answer, and neither did she.
