Page 61 of Playing for Keeps in Starr's Fall
Why had she been so stupidagainand said she was going on a date? At that point, she hadn’t even agreed to Lynn’s suggestion to meet up with Eric. But when Zach had started talking about his new life—the log cabin, the woodworking business—the enthusiasm in his voice… well, it had reminded her that he had so much life ahead of him and she didn’t.
It had even been the kind of thing she’d imagined for him, minus the pretty little wife, but surely that would come one day, maybe even one day soon. And it wouldn’t be her. Itcouldn’tbe her, because Zach deserved more than a middle-aged mom with grief and guilt issues. And so she’d pushed him away, because she seemed to be really good at doing that, and in the moment it had felt like the kindest thing.
Too bad she was regretting it now. Just as she was regretting this evening. It was, Maggie decided, time to call it quits.
“This has been fun,” she told Eric, interrupting yet another monologue about one of his cases. “But I’ve got to get back to Starr’s Fall.”
“Oh.” He looked startled. “I thought we could have dessert…”
“Sorry, it’s a bit late for me.” Maggie reached for her purse. “But let me pay my half.”
Eric didn’t protest, no doubt realizing that there was not going to be a second date. Ten minutes later, Maggie was out in the parking lot, sliding into her car with relief. She texted Ben to tell him she’d be home in half an hour; he was out with his new friends, something that thrilled her, but she’d still sensibly given him a 10p.m. curfew.
The sweep of loneliness that she felt coming for her as she drove down the darkened road was different than those she’d endured after Matt’s death. It wasn’t grief so much as longing, a longing for Zach. She’d put the figurine he’d made for her on her bedside table. Every time she looked at it, her heart ached with both longing and loss. She could find him right now, she thought suddenly. She knew where his log cabin was. She could knock on the door and tell him she was crazy, crazy abouthim, and see what happened. Where it led.
Already Maggie knew she wouldn’t. There were far too many reasons not to—for Zach’s sake as well as her own, and also for Ben’s. And yes, she was also chicken. She’d been rebuffed once before, and it hadhurt. Laying herself out there again, and even more this time, did not feel like a good—or safe—thing to do.
And ever since Matt’s death, she knew she’d had a big thing about being safe. Hiding away from life until Zach had forced her to take more than a few timid steps back into the land of the living. Not risking her heart, both because it hurt and also because part of her still struggled with wondering if she even had the right to such happiness. Did she deserve a second chance?
Everyone had issues, Maggie knew. Life—and people—were complicated. And her emotions were so tangled up that she didn’t know if the reason she didn’t knock on Zach’s door was because she was afraid, or because she was being smart. Maybe a little bit of both.
As she pulled into Starr’s Fall, the town’s quiet peace felt like a comforting blanket being wrapped around her shoulders. The air was full of the smell of lilac as she parked the car and headed toward the café. Ben hadn’t replied to her text, which would have once alarmed her, but now she knew he was out with his new friends and most likely having a good time. She was so,soglad her son had started to move on, but even that made her feel lonelier. She needed to move on, too… from Zach.
As Maggie came upstairs, Penny greeted her by winding her way between her legs, so she scooped up the cat into her arms and carried her into the darkened kitchen. She flicked on the lights and then sank into the chair by the desk, Penny purring in her lap. All around her the house settled softly into the darkness, and the sense of loneliness tugged at her, started to sweep her under.
She could have stopped by Laurie’s, Maggie knew. Laurie was meeting her biological mother next weekend and was both anxious and excited about it, a potent emotional combination Maggie understood all too well. She could have driven over to the Lymans, checked in on Annie and Barb; Annie had started looking into hospice care for Barb, which was heart-wrenching for both of them. Or, Maggie reflected, she could have called on Henrietta Starr, who had recently invited her over for tea. She’d come in to play Scrabble twice more, and Maggie had enjoyed both games, as well as the old lady’s acerbic wit. And there was Elaine, Liz, Zoe, Jenna… There were plenty of friends she could have called on rather than sit here alone in the dark, because right now there was only one person she wanted to be with.
The computer beeped, and Maggie turned to it, clicking on the mouse to see the purple and green screen of the RainQuest game come up. Ben must have left the house mid-game, and there was a message in his profile’s chatbox, from the Zachanator.
Hey, you there?
Maggie’s heart lurched, and then, having no idea of the ethics of the situation, she typedYesbefore she deleted it and typedYeahinstead. That sounded much more like Ben, although why she was trying to impersonate her son she had no idea. She just wanted to connect with Zach.
A few seconds passed and then Zach typed:
Are you playing?
Maggie knew she wasn’t nearly competent enough to attempt to play RainQuest, even though she had her own profile.
No. Not right now.
Another second, and then simply:
???
Maggie let out a soft huff of laughter. How was she supposed to respond to that? And did she really want to pretend to be Ben for much longer?Hold on, she typed, and then she logged out of Ben’s profile and switched to her own. As Maggie-kai, her heart thumping, she typed:
Hi.
A long pause then, and finally Zach typed:
Maggie?
A soft laugh escaped her.
Yep.
I already suspected it was you.
