Page 41 of Playing for Keeps in Starr's Fall
“We’re in our thirties, Jenna. It’s not like we’re kids anymore?—”
“But neither of us is married,” she pressed, “with other families to go to at Christmas or Thanksgiving. They don’t visit. They don’t invite us there either. Why shouldn’t we see them more?” She didn’t wait for him to answer. “It’s because they don’t really care. They never did, not that much. Do you know, Mom let it slip once that I was an accident? I’m guessing you were, too, especially considering there are six years between us.”
“Whoa.” Zach held up his hand. “Way too much information.”
“Well, it’s the truth,” Jenna stated belligerently. Her eyes flashed with both anger and hurt; it was obvious this had been eating her up for a while. And maybe it would have been eating him up, too, if he’d thought about it. He’d told Maggie once to credit him with some emotional astuteness, but now he wondered if he actually had any.
“They just were never into being parents,” Jenna stated flatly. “I mean, they fed and clothed us, and they weren’tcruelor anything. When it came down to it, they just weren’t all that interested.” Zach couldn’t keep from wincing a little as Jenna plowed on. “And fine, I get that, I can accept it, because that’s just how some people are.” She took a deep breath as she gazed at him squarely, her expression bleak. “But I realized a while ago that I was basically trying to replicate in my own life what they had with each other, and that trying to do that was toxic. For most of my adult life I’ve been looking for an ideal that shouldn’t exist. Mom and Dad aren’t the gold standard, Zach.No oneshould be that wrapped up in another person, and when you’ve held that up as something to aspire to… well.” She sighed unhappily. “You’re bound to be disappointed in your relationships, like I was. It took me a long time to realize that, and the reality is I’m still working it out… but I’d rather be single than have what Mom and Dad had.”
Zach simply stared at her. They’dnevertalked like this before, and all these revelations were kind of blowing his mind. Making him wonder about himself in a way he didn’t want to have to. “And you think that’s what I’ve been doing?” he asked. “Trying to find what Mom and Dad had together, by dating so many different women?” It sounded kind of pathetic.
Jenna raised her eyebrows. “What do you think? I mean, I know I’ve treated you like some kind of womanizer, and that’s my emotional baggage. I had… a bad experience with someone like that.”
“In San Francisco,” Zach surmised.
She nodded, her face tightening with remembrance. “It’s been a long time, and I need to get over it, and I think I mostly have, but… I’ve started to see things differently with you, and I wonder, Zach… all these dates you go on? Are you looking for this great romance like Mom and Dad had? Because trust me, you’re going to be disappointed. People are just people, pretty flawed, and that fairy-tale romance? It doesn’t exist, and even if it did, it won’t satisfy you.”
Zach looked away. He’d woken up this morning thinking about Maggie, feeling so happy and hopeful about that kiss and their potential relationship, but now…? Now he felt like he had to reassemble all the scattered pieces of his history and figure out who he was and why he did the things he did, which sounded like a lot of work, and maybe none of it was worth it, because could people even change?
“Jenna, you might not be looking for some romantic ideal, but… aren’t you trying to replicate what Mom and Dad had with the store? Is that why you’re not willing to change anything?”
Jenna’s brows snapped together. “Don’t psychoanalyze me,” she barked, and Zach almost laughed.
“What have you just been doing with me?” he demanded as good-naturedly as he could.
“Fine. Let’s just stop this conversation.” Clearly she didn’t want the spotlight turned on her, and Zach understood that. Still, it gave him a lot to think about.
“I get where you’re coming from,” he told her. “But just because Mom and Dad might have been a little too intense in their marriage doesn’t mean we can’t be healthier about our own relationships and work lives.” Hopefully.
“I know, but you’ve got to beaware,” Jenna replied. “Are you?”
Zach decided not to parrot the question back at her, although he had a feeling Jenna wasn’t as aware as she seemed to think she was. But was he? Zach felt an uncomfortable prickle of dawning realization that in every relationship he’d ever been in, no matter how short-lived, he’d been the one doing the heavy lifting. Determined to make it work, and not just work, but be the answer to everything, and it never was.
As for him and Maggie… in the last six weeks, he’d basically dropped everything in his life to help her with the café. To be a friend to her son. To do whatever he could to make her life easier and better—and make her see how she needed him. Which, frankly, maybe was also a little messed up. To be fair, he’d enjoyed it all and she’d been appreciative, but… maybe it wasn’t a healthy way to go about things. Maybe their relationship—if they even had one—wasn’t meant to be so one-sided.
“Just think about it,” Jenna said, and Zach nodded. He certainly would, but right now his head hurt with all the info his sister had just dumped on him, and he needed to do something that didn’t involve his brain.
“I’m going to go out to the barn,” he told Jenna. “We had a delivery yesterday that needs to be shifted.”
“Okay.” Jenna’s expression softened. “And thanks, Zach. I know I’ve been a control freak about the store, and you’re right, that’s part of my issues. I’m… I’m trying to be better.”
He smiled, appreciating her saying as much, even if her trying wasn’t all that obvious yet. Maybe it would be soon. “Thanks.”
“How’s it going with the boardgame café?”
“Yeah, pretty good.” He wasn’t about to say more than that until he’d seen Maggie again and they’d had some sort of discussion about what their kiss had meant. Although… considering everything Jenna had just told him, Zach didn’t know what it should mean, or even what he wanted it to mean, anymore. He felt like everything he’d thought about himself and what he wanted out of life had been upended.
“You think a place like that will take off in Starr’s Fall?” Jenna asked, sounding skeptical.
“I hope so.”
She nodded slowly. “It would be good to have some more business in town, anyway. Is Maggie settling in? And Ben?” The questions sounded so innocent that Zach knew his sister didn’t suspect anything between him and Maggie. Maybe the age gap really was a thing for some people. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Good.” She nodded and then turned back to her laptop, and Zach headed outside into the kind of dark, dank, frigid morning that only February could bring. Spring was on the way, but it didn’t feel like that right now.
His mind felt too full of everything Jenna had said and he had thought, and he was relieved to empty it out as he started hauling boxes. He didn’t want to think, wasn’t ready to second-guess every decision he’d ever made, wondering why he’d been searching for the love of his life for so long and never had come close to finding her. Did his parents really have something to do with that? Was he stuck in his past?
And, while he was thinking about it all, what about why he’d always wanted to stay in Starr’s Fall? Jenna had branched out for a little bit, and most of his high school friends no longer lived here. Admittedly, a lot of them had only moved as far as Torrington or Litchfield, butstill. Why hadn’t he ever thought about moving on? Doing or being something different? Was there somethingwrongwith him?
