Page 61 of The Girl with a Secret
Rosa shook her head again, dread pooling in her stomach. “I… I still don’t understand how I can help.”
Pennell leaned forward. “Weber is despondent. He’s started to question the whole purpose of the war. He’s called Hitler a madman. This is strong stuff for someone who once was in the SS, you understand. If he truly believes the war could be lost, if he can see a future where Germany is defeated… then there is a good chance he will aid us in making that happen.”
“You want to…turn… him?” Rosa asked slowly.
“Turn him?” Pennell spoke as if this were a novel idea. “Perhaps,” he allowed. “Or perhaps just act on his sense of disillusionment. Either way, that’s where you come in, Miss Herzelfeld. We will arrange for you to meet him at a nightclub in London?—”
“What—” Rosa could not keep the astonishment from her voice. She felt as if Lieutenant Pennell had just completely switched directions—anightclub? He was surely talking nonsense!
“Yes, a nightclub,” he continued calmly. “We are giving Weber and a few others a tour of London—the kind of tour that avoids bombed streets and shows our lovely buildings of Parliament operating as usual. We’ll add a few plucky commoners for him to meet—staged, naturally—to show just how amazingly well good old Blighty is resisting the Jerries and will do so for the foreseeable future. While he’s contemplating this, we’ll take him to a nightclub for drinks, dancing, music—and he’ll see you, looking utterly beautiful, from across the room.”
Rosa found herself flushing. Part of her—a tiny, treacherous part—yearned for such a scenario. Another, larger part backed away in horror. “I don’t see how…”
“You won’t talk about the war, or anything to do with what goes on here,” Pennell continued severely. “Not a peep. You’re just a beautiful young woman in London, enjoying all our lovely, lively city has to offer. We’ll give you all the relevant details of the background we’ve made for you, keeping as close to the truth as we can. And over the course of a few drinks, you’ll show Hauptmann Weber all he’s been missing.”
“What isthatsupposed to mean?” Rosa asked in a taut whisper. Despite that flicker of longing, she realized she was truly horrified by the whole prospect. To see Ernst again, to pretend to beguile him… it made her stomach churn with both fear and dread. She couldn’t possibly do it.
“There will be no improprieties,” Pennell assured her smoothly. “You share a drink, a recollection of old times, an acknowledgment of how wonderful your new country is, how strong they’ve been and will continue to be. It will be, I believe, enough to push Weber over the edge, and he’ll give us the information we need.”
“This is… psychological warfare,” Rosa surmised slowly.
Pennell raised his eyebrows, a small smile playing about his mouth. “Of course it is, Miss Herzelfeld. What do you think it is we’ve been doing here, after all?”
Rosa walked from the Blue Room in a complete daze, so much so that she didn’t see Peter until he was right in front of her, looking tense and unhappy.
“Rosa… what was that all about?”
She shook her head slowly. “You know I can’t tell you.”
He nodded, accepting, but not seeming particularly appeased. “I feel like there is more to say between us.”
Rosa nodded, her insides heavy. Considering what she’d just learned—that Ernst was actuallyhere—she knew she needed totell Peter about him. She just didn’t want to. “Shall we go back outside?” she asked, and Peter fell into step with her.
They walked in silence back outside, where the sky was just as blue, the sun just as warm, and yet Rosa felt cold inside, so very cold.
“I’m sorry I seemed so angry before,” Peter started in a low voice. “I don’t mean to judge you… I apologize if I seemed as if I was. I know you were young, and you’re not responsible for your father’s actions. I can even acknowledge that your father had cause to act as he did, and little choice, as you said, even if I disagree with the way he chose to live his life. I know you didn’t?—”
“Peter, stop.” Rosa knew she couldn’t listen to any more, not without telling him the truth. “There’s more you don’t know.”
Peter’s face, drawn into determined lines, became wary. “More?”
“If you are to choose not to judge me, you need to know the whole of it,” she said heavily. “At one of those parties… I…” Rosa faltered. It felt impossible to confess. She pictured Ernst as she’d first seen him—that wry smile, not all that different from Peter’s. The blond hair, swept back. “I met someone,” she admitted quietly, and Peter drew his breath in sharply. “He was young and handsome and very charming. Looking back, I think he was amusing himself with me, just as those men were amusing themselves with the whole idea of being friends with a Jew. It never meant anything to him, and why should it?” She lifted her chin, pressing her lips together to keep them from trembling. “The truth was,” she stated bluntly, “that he thought Jews were little better than rats—I heard him say as much, when he didn’t know I was listening.”
How well she remembered that awful moment, when she’d been coming down the stairs, dressed in a new gown of white satin, her heart lifting at the sight of Ernst looking so handsome.His voice carrying, with the lilt of laughter… When he’d caught sight of her, he’d looked annoyed rather than guilty, although Rosa hadn’t registered that at the time. She’d been too hurt.
Peter could not hide the horror on his face as he drew back from her. “He wasSS?”
“Yes,” Rosa replied simply.
Peter did not answer; he looked as if he were struggling to control his emotions.
“It was risky for him, of course,” Rosa continued quietly, “and he broke it off when it—I—became too much of a liability, for his career. Not that our… attachment… was ever public. It was always a secret between us.”
“Of course it was,” he replied scoffingly, and Rosa acknowledged this with a nod.
“I’m ashamed of it,” she confessed after a moment. “And I regret it deeply, more than you could possibly know. But…” She looked at him pleadingly, longing for him to understand. “I’ve also forgiven myself, Peter. Or at least, I’m trying to. I was young—I see that now. I had my head turned, and I ignored so many things… but Ernst, he wasn’t… he didn’t seem…” Rosa saw Peter’s nostrils flare, his mouth tightening in distaste, and she decided to stop that line of reasoning. “I’ve come to see that punishing myself for a stupid, schoolgirl mistake—what is the point in that? I don’t want to be mired in the past, Peter.” Her voice took on an urgent, pleading tone. She longed for him to understand, but she feared he didn’t. Wouldn’t. “I want to live for the future,” she explained softly. “That’s something I began to realize at Rushen. How often I was looking back instead of forward. How I let what had happened paralyze me, keep me from doing anything good or useful with my life, because I felt so guilty. There was no point in it. No hope.”
She paused, scanning his face for some small sign that he understood, that, like her, he could forgive. She didn’t see it,and her heart sank with disappointment, and something even deeper. She knew she couldn’t tell him that Ernst was here; it was secret. Would he find out somehow, and if he did, how would he react?
