Page 41 of Sunset at Embthwaite Farm
“I was asking in case you felt like coming by here for a quick kitchen supper. Nothing fancy, mind. I didn’t learn to cook until after Helen died, I’m sorry to say. But maybe you’d rather head straight home to bed, by the sounds of it?”
Anna thought of James’s lovely house, with the fire burning cheerfully and a warm meal prepared for her, and most of allhim, being so lovely and understanding, and she knew what she wanted.
“I’d love to come over,” she told him, “if you’re sure?”
“I’m sure,” James replied, and that seemed all there was to say.
Ten minutes later, Anna was pulling up into the courtyard of James’s house as if she belonged there. Considering it was the fourth time in just over two days that she’d driven over, she was starting to feel like she did. And just as before, James threw open the door in welcome before she’d crossed the courtyard.
“I’ve made a coconut curry,” he called in greeting. “But don’t worry, it’s not too spicy.” At some point in their journey yesterday, Anna had mentioned her intolerance for spicy foods. The fact that he’d remembered made her soften inside, and she smiled in return.
“Phew,” she replied. “It sounds delicious.” She paused at the door, feeling an urge to hug him or, shockingly, even kiss his cheek, except that would be inappropriate, wouldn’t it? Or would it? She gave him a smile and an awkward hand wave instead before slipping inside.
“I thought you’d be tired of me,” she confessed as he took her coat, “after yesterday. Nine hours in the car is probably too much for anyone.”
“Not at all,” James replied. “But truthfully, I wondered if you were tired of me.” Something about the seriousness of his tone made Anna hesitate. “Only because you went rather quiet, towards the end of our journey,” he explained. “But you were probably tired. It was a big day.”
“I was tired,” Anna answered slowly. “But I suppose I was thinking through a lot of things, as well.”
James nodded. “I was too, which was why I went quiet, as well,” he admitted as he walked back to the kitchen. “I wondered if you were feeling the same as I was.”
Anna followed him back, taking a moment to savour the cheerful blaze in the fireplace, the delicious smells of coconut and coriander coming from the kitchen, the whole, homely warmth of the scene that felt like a cosy blanket enveloping her. “I suppose it depends on what you were feeling,” she replied, wondering how long they were going to tiptoe around each other, talking about what they were feeling without actually saying anything remotely specific or important.
In truth, right then she wasn’t sure she felt brave or energetic enough for anything else, but James obviously did, because he stopped with his stirring and placed his hands flat on the marble counter as he gave her a direct look, his blue eyes seeming very bright.
“Well, this is how I was feeling,” he stated. “I was feeling like I really like you, and we get along really well, and we’re both in our fifties so there might not be time to waste when it comes to a potential relationship.”
“Oh…” The syllable slipped out like a sigh between Anna’s parted lips. She hadn’t expected all of that. Not remotely, although maybe she should have. James had been pretty direct since she’d first met him.
“But I was also feeling,” James continued steadily, his gaze never wavering, “that life is complicated, maybe more for you than for me right now, although it’s certainly been complicated for me in the past…more than you know. And I’m also feeling that there’s a reason people take things slowly, no matter what age they are, and I don’t want to scare you off by coming on too strong, which I probably am, simply by having this conversation and saying all the things that maybe are better said slowly, like the medicinal sips you talked about the other day.” The smile he gave her was crooked and utterly endearing. “But then I decided, when I started, that it was better to say it all and simply have done with it so there are no secrets, no misunderstandings…although now that you’re looking at me like I’ve grown two heads, I’m seriously starting to question the wisdom of my thought process.”
“No,” Anna said quickly, taking an involuntary step towards him as she let out a startled laugh. “No, not at all. That is…you’re right. It’s good to get it all out in the open, I think. I’m just surprised you said it all, and as plainly as that.”
“Well, I’ve never been great when it comes to tact,” James replied wryly, “as both Helen and Jane have told me in the past.” He reached for two plates and began doling out the curry and rice. “But I guess the real question,” he continued slowly, his eyes on the plates, “is, are those the sorts of things you’ve been thinking about…or not?”
Anna hesitated. Her mind felt as if it were crammed full of thoughts and feelings, a hopeless jumble she couldn’t even begin to process. Her conversation with Peter, with her daughters, even with Jane last night. After living a life of quiet reserve for the last thirteen years, it all felt like a bit too much. All thesepeople, people she cared about, needing or wanting things, and then her needing and wanting things in return.
On top of all that, she hadn’t come here tonight expecting a full-on discussion of her and James’s relationship, such as it was, which was basically nothing, and yet…
For a second, she pictured Peter’s face, weathered with age and shadowed with regret. She wanted to make different decisions than he had, and yet right now she felt overwhelmed by it all, and she wasn’t sure she could even decide what she wanted to drink. Still, the silence stretched on.
“I’m an idiot,” James exclaimed suddenly as he shook his head. “Anna, forgive me. I shouldn’t have said anything about all of this, if either of us even knows whatthisis. Dear Lord! You’ve just come from the deathbed of your ex-husband and I’m spouting off about feelings and whether you’re ready to talk about them.” He did a rather adorable face palm. “Please. You don’t have to say another word. Just have some curry, and maybe a glass of wine, and enjoy the fire. And I will shut up, I promise.”
She let out a wobbly laugh. “Actually, that all sounds marvellous,” she admitted, “although not the shutting up part.”
“No, definitely the shutting up part,” James replied with a quick smile. “Forget I said anything. Truly. I mean it.” He took their plates over to the table, and then went back for the bottle of red they’d opened the night before last. “A glass?”
“Just one, maybe,” Anna replied, and he took two wine glasses from one of the glass-fronted cupboards and filled them both up nearly to the brim.
“What do you want to talk about?” he asked as he handed her a glass. “The weather?The Traitors? Very good TV, I have to say. Or maybe you just want to sit in silence, which is absolutely fine.” He took his seat opposite her, and Anna let out another tired laugh.
“Maybe just sit in silence,” she admitted, feeling badly about it, but also grateful for James’s understanding. Her brain really did feel too full, and she didn’t think she could cope with even desultory chitchat right then.
“All right, then,” he agreed with alacrity, and they both started eating, so, after a few seconds, the only sound in the room was that of their chewing, and the silence started to feel heavy, like something else that needed to be managed. After several minutes of this, Anna realised this wasn’t what she wanted, after all.
“I didn’t mean we had to take a vow of silence,” she teased, trying for a smile, although she suddenly realised she was feeling more fragile than she’d thought. Her lips wobbled at the edges, and she had to press them together to keep them firm. She was, she knew, far too close to tears, and she wasn’t even sure what about. Everything, maybe. Right then, life itself felt fragile, beautiful, and exquisitely painful.
To her surprise, James reached his hand across the table to brush her fingers with his own. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, and Anna gazed at him uncertainly.
