Page 21 of A Conduit of Light

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Islumped onto my bed, arms spread wide, looking up to the stones that ran together in endless black, completing the cageIslept in every night.

“Ido feel different, but why?WhydoIspend my days here in theFortress, wandering the forest, no purpose, no reason…nothing?Igrow weary of it,Moira.Ifind myself questioning thingsIdid not know to question.”Isat up and ran fingers through my white-streaked hair. “Whycan’tIremember,Moira?What’swrong with me?”

Shesighed in a heaviness not befitting her usual self, placing her hands on the pestle and then resting her pointed chin on the long length of her sage fingers. “Idon’t know ifI’mthe right one to tell you.Iwas hoping your memories would all come back at once, you know?But, you seem to be coming back in pieces.Allincomplete and out of place.”Sheshook her head and mumbled, “Idon’t know how humans work.”

“Please,Moira.”Irushed to the vanity. “Helpme understand.Iam sotiredof this struggle.I’mso tired of this confusion and forgetting.Youhave answers.Iknow you do.Iknow you can help me, so why won’t you?”

“I’mafraid.I’mafraid to tell you about your life.Idon’t want you to fall back into all shadows,Karus.”Shefluttered into my outstretched hands and pulled her knobby knees up to her chest, placing her chin on top of them. “Idon’t think…Idon’tknowif you’d make it back out again.Andseeing you now…closer to who you were?Idon’t want to lose that.”

“Ipromise,Moira—my greatest friend—Iwill listen.Iwill hold on and just listen to anything you say.Iam too awake to fall.Iam too needed to leave again.”

“Needed?Whohave you been talking to?”Shehovered above my head, her fae wings reflecting in the sunshine streaming in through the window, transferring rainbows on the walls, fluttering at maximum speed.

“Just…”Istood and busied myself with tidying up the space. “Youhear things, you know?AndIcanfeelit.There’sa pressure about my presence every timeI’maround anyone but you.”

“Iknewit!Iknew he was saying things to you!I’llcurse him!BytheBlightress,I’llpull his hair out one by one and nibble the tips of his toes at night!He’llnever dream peacefully again!”

Moiraflew around the room in a rageIhad not seen before—from faerie or human alike.

Iattempted to repress a laugh. “It’snot like that!Settledown!Letme explain before you go giving him anything nasty.”

Crossingher arms, she slumped on my bed, her right foot rollicking up and down in impatience and subdued anger.

“Hedoesn’t say much to me,”Istarted, unsure of how to explain our odd excursions. “Hetold me once, weeks ago, after you had talked to him—that he’s looking for someone…and he needs her help.”

“Youheardthat?Andyou didn’t tell—”

Icut her off to finish my dwindling thoughts. “Ithink he must be talking about me.Whyelse would he pay so much attention to me now thatI’mfeeling…different?Maybehe just suspects it’s me, butIdon’t even know why he needs this woman.Hedoesn’t talk,Moira,Ipromise.Hedoesn’t even ask me his questions anymore, just has me follow him out into the forest at dusk to a different area each time, and then he turns around, smiles, and heads home.That’sit.That’sall he does and has been doing for the past few weeks.”

Moira’sface was filled with concern and concentration.Icould see a million thoughts were racing through her mind all at once and she sighed deeply again. “I’mstill going to curse him, even if hewasright.”Shemet my eyes with hers, which had grown to giant circles on her face, mostly violet in color and taking up the majority of it. “Maybeyou don’t need to listen.Maybeyou just need to…see.There’ssomethingIcan show you.Itmight help with your memories, but what if you get worse?Whatif you go back to—”Tearsswelled at the corners of her eyes. “Comeon.Let’sgo.Thatis, if you’re willing to risk it?”

Ithought about allIhad felt since finding the stone.Ididn’t want to return to a foggy haze, forced to live my life here in rote memory, my only enjoyment found in walking the forest and falling into a dreamless sleep each night in my tower room.

Moirastared at me, waiting for an answer.

“Takeme,Moira.There’sno turning back now.”

Chapter10

Ash

Asthe weekseased by inFelgren, so didAsh’scontempt for her situation.Astime in theFortressand the forest waxed and waned each day,Ash’seyes grew brighter.Herlaughter returned to her in unexpected ways.ClairanniaandFiguerah’sstories of their lives beforeFelgren, her daily rides on her lumen, evenBaronRevich’scharm and radiant laugher while they trained was causing her lips to slide upwards…slightly.

Shecould feel herself in the midst of letting go.Thefreedom given to her was enticing and illuminating as she realized how hidden away she had truly been—how her power had been.

Theidea of becoming a conduit was no longer so abhorrent to her.Thethought that she could actually use her gifts for more than simple tasks around the castle seemed to fit well with her soul.Itwas settling in, unfolding into new dreams and new pursuits for her life.

Heranger left in pieces.

Littlebits of her hardened shell drifted away in the spring breeze or at the inhalation of the pouring rain that doused the forest floor in droplets that sank to the very roots of the trees that gave her magic—that gave her life.

She’dlie awake at night, her tower window open to the starlight and she would contemplate how she felt, still torn in surprising ways.Herheart, missing theQueen, thePrince, andGeyrand, was in constant battle with her curiosity.TheQueen’slessons on self-reliance were challenged every morning whenClairanniaandFiguerahgreeted her at breakfast.Thenagain, every timeSylvabrought them lunch and stayed to laugh and eat together as old friends, and especially each time she used her magic inFelgren.

Aboveall, that was what she loved.Shespent many hours walking its paths, encouraging its flowers to bloom and the leaves of its trees to unfurl.Inthat, she felt a purpose.Thisone much more resonating than what she had tried so hard to convince herself of inHyrithia.Buthere it was different.Inthe forest, she didn’t question if she belonged; the truth of it stared her in the face each time she walked out of theFortressdoors and into the wondrous wood, the heart of it beating with hers.

“Whatdo you think grows here in summer?”AshaskedClairanniaandFiguerahas they basked in the spring sun, looking up at the puffs of white swimming lazily in the crisp blue sky.Theymet in the field of golden buttercup blossoms each day after their morning lessons withBaronHeimlenorBaronRevich.

“Youtwo really need to read from theFloraofFelgrenHallmore often,”Clairanniachided half-heartedly. “There’san entire row of books just about the seasons here and what grows in each of them.”