Page 112 of A Conduit of Light
“WhenIwould try to…talk to you…you got worse.Mypresence and voice especially set you off.Andafter a long time of trying and failing to get anywhere, it wasMoirawho lovingly told meIshould shut my mouth more often around you and see if you’d come any closer.”
“Thatsounds like somethingMoirawould lovingly say.”
“Yes, well, it worked.Youslowly would at least let me be near without falling to pieces.Eventually, we realized that you had lost the rhyzolm somewhere, andIfinally felt likeIhad a purpose.Somethingoutside of theBaronshipthatIcould pursue to help you.”Hepulled his hand through his hair, rubbing his neck andIgrinned.
Iremembered loving when he did that.
“Ithought maybe, just maybe, if we found the rhyzolm, you’d remember something.Anything.Andso, we all looked for it.Forweeks we were all out there, searching blindly.”Hepaused and chuckled, looking at me with admonishment. “Irealized you had lied to me, you know.Iknow that you must have lost it that day in theBlightwhen you savedMoira.Ifound the hole ripped in your skirt that you had attempted to mend yourself.Iwish you had told me then.Wouldhave helped narrow down where to look.”
“Butthat’s where you ended up looking?WheretheBlightused to be?”
“Yes.Wesearched day after day, andIheld onto hope that it would come to me, as it always had before.BeforeIhad given it to you.Butit wasn’t mine anymore.Iknew it was more likely it would find its way back to you, so…”
“So,MoiraandIwould walk through the forest every day and you would hope thatIwould come across it.”
Iremembered that new spring day, talking toMoiraabout the harsh winter, enjoying the scent of the fresh spring rain from that morning.Iremembered my hand sliding over the stone buried in the wood of the fallen tree.Yes, it had finally come back to me.
“Italso gave me an excuse to talk to you.Ihad to keep to the script.IfIever diverged,Moiranoticed you would leave tired and irritable.Shekept me in line as best she could.”
“Ican’t believe how much she did for me.”Ishook my head in wonder.
“Ithink she resented it a little at first.Butthen she became everything to you.Youronly friend in the world, andIthink she enjoyed the attention, honestly.IknowIwould have.”
Hesmirked and pulled the rhyzolm from his pocket.Itseemed to hum facing me and he held it out for me to take. “Don’tlose it this time, deal?”
Itook it from his hands, nodding, and the electricityIfelt as my fingers brushed his, sent a tug to my lower torso.Somethingstirred thatIhad not felt in ages.
Mycheeks flushed andIsat back in my chair, crossing my legs tightly, spinning the stone in my hand.Thesame feelings of joy, and love, and companionship raced through me just like the first timeIhad discovered it weeks ago.
Hesat back as well, placing a hand over his mouth. “CanIask you something?”
“Hmm?”
“Whydid you hide it from me?FromMoira?Whydidn’t you tell either of us you had found the stone?”
Ithought about those first days of waking.Mythoughts had been so muddled and hazy, confusing, likeIwas grasping through murky water for any sign of life.
“Ididn’t want you to take it from me.WhenIheld this stoneIfelt—Ifeel—alive.Ifeel happiness and love, andIfeel likeIbelong somewhere.Icouldn’t risk that feeling leaving.So,Ihid it.Andevery timeIrubbed its surface,Iwoke a little more.Youcould see it.Irealize that now.Youtook me intoFelgrenon those little walks.Thathelped, too.”
“Thosewalks were for me more than you.Isaw you changing slowly andIwas impatient.Ithought, if she lets me near her more often, that’s a good thing.Thatmeans she’ll…”Heswallowed hard. “Thatmeans she’ll let me talk to her, touch her even.”
“Revich…”
Hestood, moving in front of the fireplace, staring down into the flames. “Wait.Just…wait.Ihave some memories to untangle, too.”
Ishoved the rhyzolm into my pocket and watched him stand there for three minutes, four.Hewiped his eyes at one point andIcouldn’t sit there any longer.
“Rev?”Istood and touched his shoulder.Heturned his head toward mine, tears falling down his cheeks into the shadow of hair on his chin.
“Thebluest eyesIever did see.”Ibeamed, brushing strands of black waves from his face, tucking them behind his ear.
Hecleared his throat asIwiped the tears away, moving close enough for our bodies to touch. “Karus?Wouldyou like to go see the nitor moths?”
Itilted my head back in mirthful laughter, easing myself into his arms as he wrapped them across my waist. “Absolutelynot.”Istood on the tips of my toes and pressed my forehead to his, leaning into his scent.
Irememberedthis.
Iremembered these moments between love and lust at the threshold of intimacy and desire.
